How I Got Free

How did it happen?
How did I get free from my fear of what people think of me?

That's the question my friend asked me after I posted this quote: "The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think." Maybe I bragged a little about how good it feels to finally get free.  Maybe just a humble brag...
 
But how did it happen? she asked, so I decided to try to answer. As if I have it all figured out and have now arrived at the state of "no fear." Yah, I don't think so.

How did it happen? 
How indeed.

There is no simple answer, no magic list of steps to freedom. Instead it has been (and still is) a journey. A bumpy journey with scary twists and turns, steep hills to climb and slippery slopes to avoid. It has taken a combination of factors to get me turned around and on the road to health and freedom.

Probably the real turning point was when I started to ponder whose opinion really matters in my life. I can't possibly please everybody.  Of course I know that.  But still I tried. Oh, yah, I was a classic pleaser. I did not want to disappoint anybody.  Eventually, slowly, oh so slowly, I realized that by trying to please all those people out there somewhere, I ended up neglecting the very ones who really mattered - those closest to me and even myself.

Beginning to understand healthy boundaries has been a huge part of my healing and I am so grateful. It is such a simple concept, but so often overlooked. One of the most helpful books in my library is "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. When I notice that something is out of whack in the ways I'm relating to other people, I pull that baby off the shelf and read it again. It is so dog-eared and marked up that I find myself hoping it will survive my lifetime because I suppose I might need to be reminded of its truth until the day I die. 

Basically the concept and the book are simply about responsibility, about learning what is my responsibility and what isn't. I appreciate the simple illustration of the fence between adjoining city lots being the boundary line of responsibility.  Yes, it is my responsibility to take care of my yard, but not to take care of my neighbor's yard.  While it is noble to be generous and helpful, people like me sometimes find ourselves "over-helping" with other people's responsibilities and thereby neglecting our own.

It has taken more than a little while to learn this new pattern and to recognize when it is necessary to stop and think about who I am responsible to. Who should I fear? When it comes right down to it, who do I really want to please? These questions are packaged tightly with a whole bunch of spiritual growth principles as well as mental health implications; therefore they require patient wisdom in sorting through them.

But I'm getting all philosophical here...

So yah, I need to figure out who it is that I want to please. Once I realize that I don't need to please John Doe, I no longer need to fear his displeasure. Whoa. That's true, isn't it? I mean, that is really true. I don't know that I've ever thought of it exactly like that before. If it doesn't matter what he thinks of me, well, then, why would I be afraid of him and his opinion? Wow! That really is freeing.

But the old patterns are strong.  Intimidation is a powerful force.  Fear creeps back.  That chronic helpless feeling that appears under the weight of manipulation and indimidation can be an incredibly tough habit to break.

This has not been a one-time deal for me. To the contrary, it pops up over and over and over again - sometimes with the same person, then at times with someone else. The fear may coincide with a position of power or authority or it may come with a specific relationship or role complicated by expectations or family history - like what a good son (or daughter or mother) should do.

Ah, yes, expectations. It can feel like everybody has expectations of us, demands they make, wishes they express. Because of this person's position over me (as I see it) I might find myself cowering with fear while scrambling to do everything within my power to please him or to fulfill her wishes and demands. Of course, I may also begin to feel resentful for being forced to perform on demand. In extreme cases we may even realize that we are moving toward a master/slave mentality.

How do I get free from this fear? By knowing the truth. Yep, one of my favorite people once said something about how knowing the truth shall set you free. Sure enough.

But what is the truth? I think it starts with what I've just talked about - figuring out what is appropriate, what is right in terms of bowing to the will of other people. However, I must admit that even just hearing the truth and trying to apply it can be complicated and guilt-inducing. I remember years and years and years of sermons about being a God-pleaser rather than a man-pleaser. About fearing God rather than man. A noble, lofty principle. Oh, how I used to long to be a God-fearer rather than a man-fearer.  Unfortunately wishing doesn't make it happen. So how in the world could I make it true for me?

Finally, I began to learn that I had to first recognize the things that were embedded in my brain that were NOT true. As long as I believed that I must fear this particular man, or that group of people, or the vague invisible "they" who always seemed to be unhappy about something, this fear couldn't help but occupy my thoughts and sap my energy. This false belief could keep me on my toes in a terribly negative way; let's just say it was not a happy dance.

Gradually, tentatively, I took steps to examine my beliefs - to test and see if they were valid.  When I noticed that I felt fear about someone's opinion, I learned to ask myself why it had surfaced. Is it appropriate for me to fear this person? Do I owe him something? Do I have a responsibility to make him happy? It took repeated "sessions" of asking and answering those questions before I began to get free from that person. And then another one would pop up. Someone else who wanted a piece of me. Someone else who loved me and had a wonderful plan for my life.

One by one, over and over again, I would ask and answer the questions. What is my responsibility to this person? Over and over again, I had to remind myself that this person was not my ultimate authority, not the person whose approval I need to seek.

It is important to note that this was not something I did all by myself. This journey, this battle is not the time or place for the Lone Ranger. I don't know how I could have made this journey alone. Good friends and encouragers are absolutely necessary to this process. I needed them to help me be objective. I needed them to remind me to ask those questions. I needed them to help me see the truth once again or to recognize the faulty thinking I had accepted - once again. I needed them to teach me the 12-step method for healing damaged emotions. I needed them to help me sort out whether it was time to seek professional counseling. Sometimes I needed them to help me rehearse for a possible encounter with a boundary-busting wannabe-authority-figure in my life. I even needed them to remind me to pull the "Boundaries" book off the shelf one more time.

If raising a child takes a village, and if healing damaged emotions requires a support group, it is easy to see that I need people around me in my struggle.  But they must be the right kind of people. They must understand healthy boundaries themselves. They must have a commitment to truth and wellness. They need wisdom and discernment to help me see when my perception has become clouded and when my vision needs correction. These are the people I must surround myself with.

There is another group of people who are not the right kind to be around for this season of healing.  'Tis true; some people fall into the "wise to avoid" category.  As much as it is possible and practical,  I am learning to minimize my time with these people when it is within my power. These would be the blamers and shamers - never a healthy bunch to hang around. This group would also include those who seem to specialize in complaining, demanding, gossiping and grumbling. I need to avoid these like the plague because those habits are contagious and deadly.   Please hear what I am NOT saying here.  I do not mean to imply that the people in this group are villains; otherwise I'd have to count myself because I've done my share of blaming and shaming and all the rest.  What I AM saying is that these habits create a toxic environment and I am wise to stay away.

Ah, yes; such a complex question - one that I've barely begun to answer.  Such a crazy journey - one that I've barely begun to walk.  But yes, at this point in my journey, I would have to say that my best companions have been people and truth. Good people. Healthy people. Wise people.  People who can point me to truth. Truth that sets me free.