Speaking up

I think I am a compassionate person - or at least I try to be. I think I have mostly goodwill in my heart toward people who are different than me.  But I realize that I'm kinda' clueless about what life is really like for them. I have never walked in their shoes but I have made feeble attempts to learn more about such things.  It is easy to see that in many cases, black lives do not matter and that is not okay with me.

A couple years ago I was challenged to read Black authors so I made a commitment to read and listen and learn.  I am finding so many writers from whom I can learn more about their reality. 

Jacalyn Wetzel is one of the many Black writers I've found and this is one of her everyday normal life stories.

I don't often speak up or share the things I'm reading.  Maybe I'm hesitant to get up on my soapbox.  But I am deeply troubled by the things that must be endured by so many - simply because of their skin color.

Maybe I could find the courage to speak up once in awhile.

the practice of the better

The best criticism of the bad

is the practice of the better.

Just go ahead and do it better.

If you really believe in the values

you say you believe in,

then put them into practice.

- Fr. Richard Rohr

Word for the year: BREATHE

I’ve tried this “word for the year” thing a couple times now and think it has served to remind me of some of my best intention. One year my word was “less” which was pretty appropriate for our early stages of serious downsizing. My word for last year was “now” and more than once it reminded me to appreciate the moment rather than get stuck in stuff from the past or fears for the future.

For the coming year I have thought of the idea of “pause” or “stop” or "wait" - because I seem to need those reminders. To pause before responding is usually a good thing. To intentionally stop and assess my attitude or my behavior is often needed. But I think I want my word to be more than that. Maybe there is another that could encompass those and even more.

I think I found it. 

Breathe...

Breathing is pretty basic. 

Even my brand new grand-daughter is good at it. She may not understand how it works, but that doesn't stop her from actually doing it. And I doubt that she has a clue about how necessary it is for her, but if something (like maybe her bottle) gets in the way of her breathing, her little body can suddenly exert great force in removing the obstacle.

...

I could benefit from learning to be more intentional about my breathing.

When I start feeling stressed, maybe I can remind myself to stop and just breathe. To step back a bit and look for the bigger picture. 

When I get panicky or reactionary, I want to pause to take a big breath and think about what really matters.

When I'm slouching and/or getting achy, I want to throw my shoulders back, straighten my posture and breathe deeply.

When I start mindlessly popping food in my mouth, I want to remind myself to stop, take a breath and honestly think about what I really want or need.

When I feel angry or frustrated, perhaps that would be a good time to consciously breathe more deliberately and expansively - preferably BEFORE lashing out at someone.

When I'm feeling impatient, in a hurry, focused on the next thing, but someone needs or wants my attention, it could be helpful to remind myself to breathe. To slow down and focus on that important person.

When I become accustomed to how things are and maybe even feel bored, I want to notice my blessings and to consciously breathe in the beauty of my surroundings. I want to be more mindful, more present in the moment, more alive in my world. I want to gratefully embrace what is.

But I can also choose to let go of things. I can exhale the unhealthy. 
The unnecessary worry and fear. 
The unhelpful critique. 
The intense drama. 
The polarizing opinions.
The bad habits. 
The negative reactions. 
The harmful relationships. 
The damaging dogma.  

Exhale. Breathe them out. Let them go.

...

Deep breathing can affect my posture and my perspective - and quite possibly a bunch of other areas of my life. I think it will be healthy and wise to remember to breathe deeply this year. 

Remembering Roberta: teacher and friend

Roberta Hartzman
1948-2015

My friend, Roberta, helped so many people. Her life was not easy, so she got desperate about learning how to make it better. And then she shared those lessons with the rest of us. After hitting rock bottom and surviving, she learned to "work the program" so that she could continue to survive AND to get healthy. She invested hours and days and weeks and months in relationships and meetings - to help others who needed the things she was learning.

I remember when I first heard about Roberta's groups. A close friend was meeting with Roberta and  was experiencing healing. Because of that friend's honesty, I began to wish I had a place like that. A place where it was safe to express my pain and a place to admit where I was messed up and where I could find hope for healing. Because they were both so honest and willing to admit their flaws and their failures, I had the courage and the audacity to ask Roberta "How messed up does someone have to be to come to one of your groups." She quickly assured me, "You're messed up enough, Kaye!"   So I started attending one of the groups studying "Twelve Steps for Healing Damaged Emotions."

Best thing I've ever done for my emotional health. In all my years of attending church and being in leadership positions, I've sat through lots and lots of meetings. Hundreds of meetings. I've been involved in various small groups through the years. But this place was different. Instead of trying to impress others with good stuff - like my maturity or wisdom or ability or whatever, this was a place where I was allowed (AND encouraged!) to reveal the bad and the ugly, too. Not to focus on the negative, but simply because we all have crap in our lives and we'll never get better until we face it honestly.

Roberta longed to help people get better. She knew the negative power of secrets. The bad secrets. What did she tell us? "You're only as sick as your secrets." She also knew that the more successful and "put-together" we seem to be, the harder it is to humble ourselves and be honest about that stuff. She did everything in her power to invite and welcome church leaders to go through the Twelve Step program - because she knew how much they would be transformed and how wonderfully the rest of the people would benefit from it.

Roberta learned about healthy boundaries and she helped us learn about them as well. She taught us how to figure out which things were our responsibility and which were not. She taught us how to build healthy boundaries in our lives. She helped us anticipate the boundary busters that were sure to come along and gave suggestions for how to prepare for them.

As a pleaser, I had long, deep-seated habits of cowering before the wishes of other people. Gradually, Roberta helped me to sort out whether I was in fact answerable to each of these various people or not. It has probably been fifteen years since I started meeting with Roberta and learning from her, but to this day I still hear myself quoting one of her one-liners that helped me hang in there so I could get better. Like, "It's unfortunate that you feel that way." Because I'm such a softie, my pattern was to just sort of melt if I discovered that my actions (or inaction) had made someone feel badly. Consequently, I would immediately backpedal to try to fix it and make it all better. Nowadays when I find myself doing that I can hear Roberta words reminding me that I can simply say, "It's unfortunate that you feel that way." Not, "Oh, dear; I'm so sorry you don't like my new hairstyle. Here; let me change it for you!" Nope. Roberta taught me that I don't have to bow to the wishes of someone who pressures me to do so. I could just say, "It's unfortunate that you feel that way" and move on.

Does this mean that Roberta taught us that we should never help others? Not at all!!! To the contrary, she had a huge servant-heart and taught us much along that line by her example. It's just that she helped us sort out which requests and demands were appropriate or reasonable and which were not conducive to our well-being - or which might not be helpful to the person making the demands.

So much more could be said in praise of Roberta and the ways she helped people. Even as I type, I'm realizing that her help continues. Just thinking back over these things and trying to articulate some of them has been good for me. It has reminded me of things I haven't thought about for awhile or of good habits that I've forgotten to implement recently.

Thank you, dear friend. You taught me much and continue to teach me and I appreciate you more than I can express. I'm reminded to revisit the things you'd taught me and yes, to keep working the program - which involves passing the healing on to others.

What's your excuse?

 

We all have excuses. Good excuses. Bad excuses.

There are really good reasons why we do the things we do... Good reasons why we choose not to do other things. But sometimes the things that seem like good reasons turn out to be just excuses.

We make choices and those choices bring about consequences. Some of those consequences turn into obstacles for our future choices. When we come to a point where we really want to make big changes in our lives, we bump into those obstacles and have new choices to make. It can be a vicious cycle.

 

Obstacles make pretty good excuses to stay where we are. Unless, of course, we get to the point where we don't want them to block us anymore - at which point we can decide to do something about them. Of course, it won't always be easy. And sometimes it may not even be possible to remove the obstacles. But we will probably never find out until we try.

Allison Vesterfelt has experience with letting good reasons become excuses - obstacles that kept her from achieving her goals. Fortunately, she has also learned much about dismantling those excuses. In this article she deals with some of the most common excuses I've heard - AND used:

• I don't have the money.
• I don't have the time.
• It's not possible.

Yes, sometimes those are true. Sometimes they are valid reasons. But sometimes they are not really good reasons. Sometimes they are simply excuses.


 What's your excuse?

Have you taken time to examine it carefully?

Is it a good reason? Or is it simply an excuse?

Is there something you can do about it?


What are you willing to do?


...


I keep asking myself what I am willing to do about my excuses.

That sermon? Not for you.

That's what my pastor told me.

"Sister, that sermon was not for you."

We were sitting in his office discussing his most recent sermon. I probably mentioned being discouraged about not living up to the admonitions included therein. He knew that I had tried my darnedest because I so much wanted to please God. Maybe he felt badly that his sermon unnecessarily added to my burden of guilt and obligation. To my striving. So he said, "Sister Kaye, that sermon was not for you."

Some of us are such sensitive souls. Call it a tender heart. Call it a pleaser personality. Call it compliant. Call it conditioning. Call it what you will, but some of us have the tendency to trip all over ourselves trying to please other people.

And for some of us that translates into a deep longing to please God in everything we do. So every sermon on commitment makes us want to be more committed. Who am I kidding? Pretty much EVERY SERMON we ever hear makes us want to do better at SOMETHING! So we can please God.

DISCLAIMER:

Lest I give the wrong impression let me quickly admit that I didn't always have the most pure of motives nor do I always choose to do the thing that pleased God. I don't always choose to do the right thing. There are plenty of times that I am downright selfish. But there have been those tender moments, those sensitive seasons, in my life. The fact remains that my personality type tends to take on an undue sense of burden when presented with certain kinds of sermons.

By the way, sermons don't always come from a pulpit. You may be bombarded with a sermon at a family gathering or during a commercial. For the purpose of this discussion, we could define a sermon as any time when someone preaches at you about something you should do.  

Not every admonition you hear - whether from a preacher or a relative or a well-meaning friend or a financial consultant or some health expert... Not every single piece of advice is necessarily one that you must internalize or submit to.

But what are we to do? Should I never try to please others? Are there ways that I can protect myself from this sense of obligation and still be kind and compassionate?

At the risk of oversimplifying, let me say that there's nothing wrong with wanting to please God or to please people for that matter. But the danger comes when our compulsion to please others paralyzes us and keeps us from making mature or healthy decisions. So we DO need to learn to protect ourselves. And we do need to find balance.

My favorite counselor who also happens to be one of my favorite bloggers says:

...if you have a tendency to be compassionate already, there is NOTHING wrong with guarding your heart and taking care of yourself. Sometimes you have to say no. There is nothing selfish about that; you are merely being responsible to protect your soul first. If you burn out completely you won't be able to help others anyway.

It seems so obvious to me now - and maybe to my readers - but maybe there is someone still stuck there in that overwhelming place where you still feel pressure to obey whatever admonition you hear. Where you still have to please people. Or God. Or both. Let me remind you that you need not obey everyone who preaches at you about what you should do. Maybe that sermon is not for you.


 Conclusion:

I realize not everybody has this pleaser tendency and therefore is not so susceptible to these struggles. Maybe you're reading and just don't understand how someone could feel so pressured to please others like this. If you happen to NOT be one of us hyper-sensitive ones, well, then...

Honey, this sermon's not for you!

Happy birthday, tranquil mama

How can this young woman be mine? How could I have raised someone who would surpass me in so many ways? When you were little, I was proud of all the ways you were like me - and I still am. But somewhere in those early years you also began to develop characteristics that often elude me. Things like grace and kindness and respect toward other people. I guess you got those from your dad. Things that I have begun to learn from you. Like patience and diligence. And then there's your servant heart. And your calm demeanor and ability to bring peace to situations that are not naturally peaceful. I often remind myself of your words "Tranquila, Mama." I find myself grateful that you found a calm and gentle way to say it without using that other phrase - "Geez, Mom; take a chill pill!" - that lots of kids tell their moms. When I remember your tranquil reminder, I consciously take a deep breath and begin to ask myself what is causing me to feel stress and what I can do about it. I think that I am learning to be gentler and kinder and more patient with myself - and hopefully with others as well.

 

What fun to celebrate you by hanging with your kids. Watching them and listening to them makes me appreciate you even more. In particular, I love it when your daughter points out things in nature before I can even spot them - whether a tiny white butterfly or a barely perceptible dragonfly or the beautiful clouds today or the bright colored leaves on the ground or the tree with barely any leaves left on it. It always surprises me to hear explanations about the beauty of nature coming from your tiny three-year old. I can just imagine you taking the time to explain to her how to notice and count the gossamer wings or which bees "won't hurt you" while you also teach healthy habits by explaining that some things can make you sick and how to prevent that. Once again I learn from you and her - yes, even to shore up my own healthy habits and especially to refresh my sense of wonder.

But it is not just your kids that make you look good. Your hubby's references to you in his sermons... High praise indeed. He says he didn't know the word "nag" because you never do it! Whoa! I sure can't take credit for that one! But I can celebrate it and learn from it.

Actually there are several things that you DON'T do that most people do. Things like having to express your opinion on everything that comes into view. Things like venting your frustration in inappropriate places or ways. Things like putting people down. Things like judging those who are different from you. I can learn much from your example - by observing the things you don't do.

Yep, I celebrate you today. I am so glad that you were born and that it has been my privilege to be your momma. Happy birthday, dear girl.

Amazing Day Number 26: fake boldness

It is amazing to me how being hidden behind a computer screen can make a person so bold and harsh and mean and caustic and how it can give them the audacity to say things to and about other people that they would never say face-to-face.
Yep, it is amazing.
Scary.

Violence - with words and guns: some jumbled thoughts

It hurts my heart.
It frightens me.
I don’t know what to say, but that doesn’t seem to stop me from saying whatever pops into my head.

When some horrific thing like this* comes along, we react. We don’t always react well. We are heart-broken for the carnage, for the terror, for the fear, for the loss. We empathize with the victims and their families. We feel our own sense of safety and security slipping away. We wonder what our country is coming to. We try to make sense of it but how do you make sense of something so irrational? We grasp for straws – for explanations, for some kind of guarantee that it won’t happen again. We wish we could erase the act and go back to feeling safe and secure.

Sadness and sorrow get tangled up with anger and fear.
We react well – with compassion and wisdom.
We react poorly – with judgment and blame.
We react against those who react.
We blame with broad strokes.
We make generalized pronouncements.
We point fingers at those who try to make sense of it all.
We blame anyone who dares to point a finger in a different direction than we do.
We insult the intelligence of those who disagree with us.
We lash out at anyone who lashes out.

Why do we feel the need to speak with authority?
Why do we feel the need to campaign loudly for our position?
Why do we try to dictate how others should react?
Is it because we wish to regain a sense of control or stability or security?

Why do we let fear win over wisdom?
Why do we trade compassion for condemnation?
Why can we not have civil conversation about better ways to prevent such violence?

...
* Referring to the recent shooting spree in Aurora, CO

Appropriate apology

Troubling it is – this latest rancor coming from the Christian right. It saddens me to hear our president labeled as anti-American for sending an apology to President Karzai about the burning of Korans that has led to such violence. To the contrary, his apology was at least partly for the sake of protecting American lives in Afghanistan. Referencing a somewhat similar incident for which President George Bush apologized to the president of Iraq, White House spokesman Jay Carney explained, "…that's appropriate for the same reason, because our concern -- this president's concern, as was surely the case with President Bush, is the safety and security of our men and women in uniform, as well as our civilians in Afghanistan. …one of the reasons that it's appropriate to express our sincere apologies for this incident is that the kind of reaction that it can cause risks putting our men and women in harm's way, or in further risk than they already are. So I think that precedent is a useful one to look at."

Besides closely following the precedent established by past administrations, this apology is also in line with the foreign policy changes promised by President Obama. His plan to repair U.S. relations with the rest of the world was one of the things that first impressed me about him and is one area where he has, in my opinion, followed through with reason, wisdom and sensitivity.

Much of the ill will toward America from the rest of the world can be linked to the perception that we are arrogant and insensitive bullies. Recent presidents including Ronald Reagan and George Bush have seen the wisdom for some measure of humility and compassion and have both issued apologies to other countries for unfortunate events that happened on their watch. It would seem that some of the candidates currently battling for the high office would prefer to go back to a path of brash power that leaves no room for apology or sensitivity. I admit that that path is very scary to me.

Appropriateness

(Previously posted as a FB note...)

In the open atmosphere that is Facebook, it’s often tough to be objective about what or how much to post. For example, it’s difficult when you have a crisis that you can’t talk about – when you feel so alone and want to share the pain, the hurt, the fear, so that people will rally in support or encouragement, but it isn’t appropriate for some reason. Then, when the crisis is averted, when the prayer is answered, when the fear gives way to relief and huge sighs and you’re able to breathe deeply again… Then, you once again want to share – so that others can celebrate with you… but perhaps it still isn’t appropriate. How do you express your joy adequately, but discreetly?

For that matter, what IS appropriate on Facebook anyway?

Methinks that Facebook is a new world unlike any we’ve lived in before.
• It can be great fun to connect so regularly with the details of our friends’ lives.
• We can feel a sense of intimacy and well-being and good-will and camaraderie.
• It’s easy to forget that all 350 of my friends are now privy to the minute details that I wanted to share with a few.

Before Facebook, a few of us had tasted what it’s like to be a public figure – whether as teacher, minister, or other professional – and hopefully learned a bit about appropriateness in sharing personal information. Since Facebook, we have all become “public persons” – with or without previous practice.

Facebook does provide an easy platform for several things.
• A place to share joy and sorrow – or pet peeves
• A “publication” to post the latest news in our world
• A billboard to promote a favorite cause
• A soapbox for political rants (Oops; I mean opinions)

It may be natural to assume that most of my friends think like me and that we share the same passions and opinions. However, it’s not too hard to figure out that this isn’t necessarily the case. So… I’ve been trying to stop and think about how my posts may be interpreted by my friends – or by friends of friends. I don’t mean to suggest that I should never add a quick comment to a friend’s post, but I do want to be sensitive not to unnecessarily cause pain or embarrassment.

Perhaps these are good questions to ask before I post.

1. Is it confidential? If it’s not my news to share, then maybe I shouldn’t be the one to share it.
2. Is it offensive? This question begs a disclaimer: I’ve lived most of my life in fear of offending somebody and am finally breaking free from that fear. So I am not saying I need to tiptoe around people’s feelings, but it’s not a bad idea to ask myself if this posting will be offensive to others and whether it is worth the risk.
3. Is it polarizing or inflammatory? Some of us move almost exclusively in like-minded circles while others have friends from all over the spectrum. What may be hilariously funny to my right-wing friends can seem terribly arrogant and hateful to others. And vice-versa. What if a friend of mine voted for this horrible, evil jerk-face that I am ranting about? How does that make my friend feel? It’s very easy to bad-mouth those with whom we disagree, but I would be wise to avoid name calling and other disrespectful tendencies – which leads to a good bottom line…
4. Is it respectful? Is this comment respectful to my friends, my family, my co-workers? How about those with whom I disagree? What kind of example am I setting in the way I speak about people?

I don’t claim to be a paragon of virtue. I am simply sharing some of my struggle to find appropriate parameters in my internet interaction. And not just on Facebook, but these questions could be helpful in many other settings in real life.