Grandma Betty

It is May... so of course I am thinking about my mom... especially today on her birthday.

She was indeed incredible.  Loved by so many... probably because she pretty much loved EVERYbody!

She was a shining example

Of light and cheer

Goodness and courage

Kindness and generosity

Friendship and helpfulness

And... she was famous for her homemade bread!!!

Please excuse me while I peruse a few more of the great photos of her.  Or feel free to follow me back to some of these other posts.  To see them in some semblance of order, you can scroll to the bottom and work your way back up to the top of the page.

More pandemic conversations

 More phone calls.   More random conversations.

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Some random summer day:

Mom has been withdrawing from life again - refusing to go to meals…

Thinking that she’s done here.

Today seems slightly different.

Commenting about the beautiful day…

Wondering about the temperature outside…

Soon she’s singing “Living for Jesus… a life that is true…”

Then more rambling.

Then suddenly she asks, “So do you have anything to say?”

Hmmm…  Could this be a chance to help her adjust her focus?

Naw, she probably won’t be able to hear what I’m saying, let along comprehend.

I say something about her being perkier today.  She seems to understand the words at least. So I dare to reference her song selection.  LIVING for Jesus… I throw out a couple little ideas - like that it’s nice to see her focusing on living - instead of dying.

It takes a minute and a couple repeats, but she seems to get it.

I tell her that I understand her desire to be done here and move to heaven… but remind her that the timing is not up to her.  And that maybe God is asking her to LIVE while she’s still here.

We had talked previously about how an “obsession with death” can be upsetting to the staff and to the other residents. I suggest that maybe she can still serve them and minister to them by choosing to focus on life and living.  And maybe participate once in awhile when they try to get her to join in on group activities.

I remind her of a bunch of the things that she has always been good at.  How she’s always been a people person and quick to give a smile and word of encouragement and to show interest in people.  I reassure her a couple times that I can understand her recent withdrawal from people, but speculate that maybe she’s not done yet.

She seems to get it!

Suddenly she excuses herself to go outside on the deck for awhile.  

But first… “I love you and I appreciate your exhortation.  I’m gonna’ give it some thought.”

…

She called me later to report that she had gone to dinner and it was nice.

Memories - not always good

There were more phone calls... every day through the summer.

She had lots of good days…  and lots of opportunities to offer her sweet smile and words of encouragement.  We had lots of amazing conversations.

I discovered that IF I could ask the right questions, sometimes memories would come flooding back.  She really enjoyed reliving the memories and would bring such conversations up again the next few days.

One of those conversations was pretty intense, catching me off-guard. We were talking about the old days - and she described some really difficult times.  Events after which she would come home and sob.  She started into that thought by saying something about remembering the first time she returned to the little white house and didn’t know of anything she had to apologize for.  Wow!

What?  She had never told me these things before, but somehow I was not really surprised.  Maybe because I immediately recognized the feeling.  The vague guilt.  The assumption that this must be my fault.  I asked if she remembered if it ever got better.  “Not much,” she said.

I got a little emotional and a bit angry about how people have power to hurt other people so badly.  Got choked up so that I couldn’t say anything for a bit…  and she kept talking.  I continued to listen for maybe another hour.  Once she ran out of things to say - or the energy to say them - we hung up.  I crumpled into my chair and cried for another half hour.

I wish there were a way to accept only the good traits from our ancestors and reject the nasty ones.  It just breaks my heart to think of ever causing that kind of fear and consternation in the hearts of the people I love.  That’s why I work pretty dang hard to rid myself of those negative tendencies… as I learn about them.

When I know better, I do better.

I hope.

…

But so many good memories, too.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure she would want to focus on the good ones.

Like visits from her great-grandkids...

...

Many of these conversations were gathered for the writing of my book, Journey of a Decade.

Pandemic on hospice

Wrapping up the month of May, which has always been "Mom month" to me because of Mother's Day and our shared birthdays, I'm taking time to look back on a few more memories - including her last birthday.

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March 2020

As the pandemic hit I quickly realized that I was going to need to get creative about helping my mom from a distance - and that phone conversations would become even more necessary than before.

There were some interesting conversations. She knows about the restriction on visitors… “because there is a nasty flu out there and we don’t wanna’ let it get in here.”

Most of the time she remembers. She asked if I had heard about the queen. Someone who works for the queen has the bad flu…  And something about her leaving because of it.

I googled it.  Sure enough; someone on the queen’s staff has tested positive so the queen left for Windsor Castle early this year…

So yes, Mom knows some it… some of the time.

Today, she said, “I kinda’ wonder how this will affect my transition to heaven."

Whoa. Yah. I responded with sympathy and mumbled something about not worrying about it because it is out of our control.

She quickly agreed…  that there’s no point in worrying about it.  This feels like a big deal because she has her “plan” to have family members gathered around her bed in her last days.  I don’t have the heart to tell her that might not be possible.  At the moment she seems to not be terribly disturbed by any of it.  So there’s that.

April & May

That whole scenario of dying alone and not able to have a funeral service… one of the new realities… I wonder how it will play out.

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Technology has been so helpful to so many of us during quarantine.  To be able to meet on-screen has been precious.  I love that I can help my daughters and spend time with my grandkids online.  Like being the one to listen to my third-grade grand-daughter’s reading lesson…  Like being interrupted by a video call from a goofy little four-year-old!!

I thought my mom might appreciate hearing about such technological adventures and hoped she’d be able to comprehend.  She was clear enough today that I was able to describe all this remote working cyber fun to her.  She was delighted!  She kept saying, “Well, isn’t that something?!?”  And talking about how educational it is… and that she wished she had learned how to use computers when she was a lot younger.   Not bad for a 91-year-old great-grandma.

May 18 - her last birthday...

The wonderful staff at Timberline helped me work out a little cyber birthday party for her.

Amazon delivered her gifts there.

Vicky collected them and put them in gift bags.

Mel connected us via FaceTime.

Mom was tickled that we could see each other and talk while she was opening her gifts.

I was happy that she was able to see and recognize the kids in the family photo on her new coffee mug.

And she modeled her new kimono so I could see that it fit just fine.

Thanks, Mel!

...

Some of these remembered conversations were gathered for my book, Journey of a Decade.

Birthday parties

I’ve been thinking back to some of my Mom's birthdays - particularly the ones when we pulled off a party.  She did love parties - probably because she loved people!  In her early days she was the one planning the party and doing most of the cooking.  In recent years she wasn’t able to make the food but she still loved to organize the event.

There was the one for her 80th…  Our house was filled to overflowing with nearly a hundred dear friends and neighbors and relatives.  So much talking and laughing and singing.  She always wanted singing.

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Then a few years later, another overflow crowd descended on the lobby at Hannah Wolfe Retirement Residence where she was living by that time.  The other residents graciously joined in on the fun.

When her 90th came along, she had just moved into her new place at Timberline Lodge - NOT large enough to handle 80 or 100 of her closest friends and family.  The staff agreed that they could fit in maybe 30 guests so we cut the guest list WAY down.

Because there were dozens of other who wanted to celebrate with her, I decided to declare the entire month of May as Betty Month - by orchestrating visits and phone calls throughout the month.  

…

Wishing we could do more, I reminded myself of lessons I had learned while living on the road.  I had stumbled upon a practice that feels like wisdom.*

When our time in a certain spot was nearly done and it was obvious we would not have time to do everything we wanted to, I had a choice.  I could be bummed and focus on the sadness about all we couldn’t do.  Or I could figure out what we COULD do.  I tried to think ahead to when we would look back on this place and time.  What would I wish I had done? 

I had tried to implement some of that wisdom in my mom’s situation.  She had already planned and pre-planned and re-planned her funeral.  I had been asking myself those questions I learned on the road.  When she’s gone, what will I wish I had done with her and for her?  What things can I do now that I will later be thankful I did?

Her 90th provided a good opportunity to get creative.  Since we couldn’t have a huge party with everybody she would liked to have seen, I really wanted to find more things I COULD do.

Was there any way to incorporate some of the good things that happen at funeral times, celebrating the memories of a lifetime.  How much better to do it while she is still here to listen in and to be part of it.  

I COULD do a photo book… so I did.  

Fifty pages, 271 photos, and millions of memories.  

And I could get it to her by May 1 so that she could share it with her Betty Month visitors.  

And she did.  

She got to narrate the photos from her entire life over and over again with her guests.

What a month it was!

People came to visit her throughout the month.

Others called her to chat for awhile.

The “small” party was a success.  The staff and several friends helped to make it lovely and very special.  Wedding pictures and other favorites graced the food table and every available spot.  ‘Twas a wonderful day of visiting with dear ones.

...

 

By the time Mom died two years later, such festive gatherings were restricted because of COVID.  I am SO glad we were able to celebrate her life while she could be there to enjoy it. 

We did what we could when we could. 

Finishing well

Did you ever notice how life can get in the way of our goals?

…of what we think we should do with our life?

Strange but true.

Not only life…  but death can also get in the way of goals.

Not just in the obvious way, but even a death in the family can cause a sudden shake-up to our schedule and what we think we’re supposed to do with our time.

We experienced a death in the family this week.  

My schedule got flipped upside down.  

Plans and appointments got changed.

Goals and disciplines went out the window…  at least some of them.

…

My mom finished her life goals this week. At 92, she was ready to go.  Heaven was her next goal.  She had planned her funeral service and even pre-planned it… meaning she had pre-paid for her funeral package and all the details on file.  For months and years she planned and pre-planned and then RE-planned…  

When she was able to focus on life and living, her main goal and objective was to love people and serve them.  Serve them food if possible, but if she didn’t have food to offer, she’d find something else.  

When she ran out of things to do, she would re-visit her funeral plans. “Is there anything more I should do…?”

Sometimes she got confused between focusing on life or death.  So in our daily phone calls, she might start through her mental list: 

• I’d like to contact so-and-so.  
• I want to take care of this or that. 
• Did we get this figured out for the funeral?
• Maybe I can offer to sing for my friend - or pray for her. 
• I need some treats that I can share with the other residents.

She wanted to finish well.

…

Some days I get confused about my focus, too. 

How do I choose between the urgent and the important?  

How do I adjust my goals for the week while trying to plan a funeral during a pandemic?  

What will happen to my monthly goals? 

Expectations need to be adjusted - obviously. 

I need to take care of my own physical, mental, and emotional health.  

I want to be flexible but I also want to be intentional about the important stuff.   

With the month running out of days, I still want to finish well.

Fortunately I had a good example. 

Betty Lorraine D'Arcy Caudell: the first 90 years

Mom,

I hope you enjoy this book.*

I have learned so much while putting it together.

I am pretty impressed with what a good job you did documenting your amazing life with photographs.  

AND I’m impressed that you followed through to document so many of those photos with names and dates - even though you must have been crazy busy as an instant mom to those two energetic boys. 

I remember how when I was little I loved to lug out that huge photo album with the dark red cover and the black pages - very carefully because some of the pages were already coming loose.  As I have been sorting back through that huge book and many other albums, I have thoroughly enjoyed remembering the stories that went along with them - and trying to remember the names of some that were missing despite Dave’s best efforts to get us all to “name and date” our photos immediately.  

So many beautiful photos of wonderful people!

What wonderful reminders of who I am and where I came from.

This book contains only a sampling of the hundreds (probably thousands!) of photos you have collected through the years.  There was room for only a fraction of even the best ones.  So many tough decisions.  I hope that I’ve chosen many of your favorites to include here.  And I hope that looking through it over and over again will bring you some of the same joy that big red book brought me years and years ago.

I wish that I had succeeded in recording more of your stories, but I have had to accept the fact that they call for a separate project.  But let’s keep working on it.  You keep rehearsing those stories so that you can remember them until I get myself and my notes organized enough to capture them.  Then again, I might need some help with that project.  (Here’s looking at you, Karina!)

In this process, it has been fun for me to learn stories I don’t remember hearing before.  And maybe even some that you hadn’t heard before either.  Like the fact that the young women in your class at Bethel College were quite shocked to discover that you weren’t coming back in the fall.  That you were marrying a man with two little boys.  They couldn’t quite believe that you had the courage to do such a thing.

But everyone I talk to about it is really glad that you did.  Grateful that you made that decision and that you followed through on it all these years.  And there is a general consensus that you did a bang-up job raising those little boys and shaping us all into one big happy family.  We are forever grateful for that. 

Thank you for loving us - and a whole lot of other people in the process. 

Thank you for the example of serving people in need.

Thank you for demonstrating how to make the best of difficult situations.

I love you and am so grateful to be your daughter.

Happy Birthday!

...

* "This book" refers to the photo journal I made for my mom's 90th birthday.  
This letter was written to include in the book, but there wasn't room for it.

Fifty pages, 271 photos, millions of memories...

Amazing Day #17: Positivity

She has lost much.

She set aside her career plans to serve others - becoming instant mom to two young boys.  Oh, the stories she can tell.

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She lost her husband and became a widow.
She grieved her loss and figured out how to put one foot in front of the other.
She somehow adjusted to her new reality and learned how to pump gas and gradually figured out how to deal with the rest of it.

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She gave up her home that she loved so much.
She lost her ministry that she was so passionate about and eventually discovered another.
She let go of her standing in her beloved community and moved into another.

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She lived through the irony of losing it all again - and she survived.
Once again, she grieved the loss and eventually adjusted to the new reality

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She lost her independence inch by inch along with energy and pep and health - one malady at a time.
She let go of her house - once again.
She gave away the tools of her passion - namely her baking equipment and enough dishes to feed an army or at least a crew of silo-fillers.
She traded a houseful of large rooms for one small room - losing her ability to "entertain" guests.

...

Eventually she traded that small room for an even smaller one.
She lost her privacy and another batch of her independence.
She had to let go of having food cooked the way she liked it - again and again.

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With each loss, she adjusted.
She has chosen to accept each new reality and to celebrate the good parts of it.

That's what I call a positive example.
Amazing even.

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Thanks, Mom.