little tiny window in that teeny tiny place

When I posted this photo as my cover shot back in 2012, there were lots of comments about the lovely view. 

But I see more than the view outside the window.
I see and remember and can almost feel the darkness in that little loft...
The black margin around that cheery picture.
The frame of darkness.

And I see a symbol of some of the process we chose to maintain our mental health.

I can remember that the time in this tiny place definitely had an edge to it.
Yes, there was the edge of excitement and crazy abandon and wild adventure.
But there were also moments that could better be described as the edge of despair.

What's the word?
The being closed off inside this tiny space ...
The vulnerability...
Claustrophobic!
That's it.

As I look at this picture today in December 2020...  not quite solstice, with the darkness still encroaching, it feels painfully familiar.  I can see a bit of light and beauty and life but it is still framed in a lot of darkness.

The place we now sit definitely has an edge to it.

Yes, there is an edge of relief and a bit of hope...

But there are also moments of fear that could be described as the edge of despair.

I made it through those months in that small space.

I focused on the light and beauty and hope rather than the surrounding darkness.

Most days.

I can still make that choice today... to survive this depressing time and place.

I can choose to cling to that bit of hope even while not expecting too much...

Dubious partners

Fear sits timidly in the corner

Helplessness slinks to a nearby chair

Sadly  

Slowly 

Anger approaches with an invitation

Again

Fear succeeds in refusing

Again

Until…

Fear feels strong enough to stand slowly and accept 

Ah…

This is better

Easier

Safer?

Dancing with Anger is exhilarating 

Empowering

Better than cowering alone in the corner 

Better than rejoining Helplessness

Yes, Anger is a strong partner

Protective

Cynicism cuts in

Neither Fear nor Anger is ready to retreat gracefully

An awkward threesome jostles for dominance

Hate and Mocking watch from the shadows

Sneering

Violence quietly joins them unnoticed

Ready 

Waiting

*    File under NaNo, not NaNo

**  NaNo Day 17,  not part of my story... at least I don't think it is... but I kept on writing... because some famous poet said "Nonsense writing is still writing" - or some such nonsense.

Writing as therapy

Some unedited lines from today's writing on my NaNo project... 

...

I am so weird.

There was that one time when I kinda’ wished that I had a reason (or an excuse) to go to a counselor.  Yep, weird, huh?  I might have had more than one ridiculous conversation with myself about the whole idea of paying somebody to listen to me talk. And maybe even act like they cared about what I was saying.  Almost like paying somebody to be my friend; right?  Weird.

And then there was that time when Bob was dealing with a pinched nerve and his medical team tried all kinds of things before resorting to surgery.  When he was sent for massages as part of his treatment, I was a teensy bit jealous - because I wanted so badly to get a massage, but hadn’t found a reason or an excuse to do so.  Of course, I did not wish for the numbness and pain and hassle of a pinched nerve.  I just wanted the massage.  Silly me.

But wait; there was also that time WAY BACK in the early days…  when I was a young mom of little ones…  and a bunch of hungry foster boys to feed…  and I was probably volunteering at the church and trying to be all things to all people… and to fix everything for everybody!...  and the flat surfaces in my office were AWFUL… because I never seemed to be able to keep things picked up...  or keep current with anything for that matter…  because you know, being too busy must prove that I’m pretty important; right?  Then there was that moment when I heard of someone who had a nervous breakdown and was confined in the hospital for complete bedrest.  Wait; do people still have nervous breakdowns? Yikes! I bet there are better ways of speaking and understanding and treating such things these days - and I should probably become more aware and certainly more compassionate. Something to ask my mental health expert daughter...    But back to that moment…  Now don’t get me wrong. I think that (at least I certainly hope!) I must have felt sympathy and compassion for that person….  But…  But am I a terrible person if I admit that the idea of being confined to a quiet room for a few days…? with no responsibilities and no one demanding my attention…?  Well, let’s just say that it might have been a tempting fantasy for a little minute there.  

So yah, maybe I have strange ways of discovering what I need and want - and how to be healthy and balanced… At any rate, I certainly had much to learn (and probably unlearn and relearn) about self-care and wellness and mental health and boundaries and personal responsibility…  Who knew that we don't HAVE to be too busy all the time? Who knew that I don't have to do it all? That I don't have to be everybody's fixer... and that I do not have to please everybody?  Indeed.

And while these stories are from other times, other decades long before this one… they have come back to my remembrance while writing about the journey of this decade.  This writing process, this trying to find the story of my inner journey… has been so fascinating.  I am having SO much fun and am starting to feel like a new person - and I'm only a week into NaNoWriMo month!  

It just occurred to me that these writing and remembering and processing sessions almost feel like intense therapy sessions.  The good kind.  Sometimes hard to deal with the not-so-good parts, sometimes funny or embarrassing to think of all the weirdness and the goofy silliness, often heartwarming to find the happy endings or the healthy progress... and almost always end up with me feeling so grateful for the fantastic journey.  Might it be true that I can be my own best counselor? 

Hey, maybe I got what I wished for... regular counseling appointments - every day for a whole month!  And I don't even have to pay my therapist!

Alternatives to NaNoWriMo

So you’ve thought about NaNoWriMo but are not sure it’s for you?

You are in good company.  Lots and LOTS of people want to do it, but are afraid they can’t make it happen.  Lots of others have tried but didn’t make it to the finish line.

Or maybe you wanted to do it this year, but feel like it's too late to start.

Or maybe you did start, but it's just not coming together.

Never fear; there are alternatives to NaNoWriMo.

Don’t believe me?  Just keep reading!

I have somehow stumbled upon a plethora of articles about such alternatives - three, five, six, or nine of them, in fact.  Take your pick!

Here are a few samples to whet your “alternatives appetite.”  

…

Should you do NaNo?

• by Ellie Betts

Ellie swings back and forth between pros and cons… concluding with:  You know what?  Why not?  She speaks of her own NaNo attempt - and admits that failing NaNoWriMo was one of the best things that ever happened to her as a writer.

…

3 Alternatives to NaNoWrimo

• written by Emily Wenstrom
• presented by Joe Bunting at The Write Practice

Emily shares 3 catchy ideas that might work better for you:

1. Round of words in 80 days
2. 52 week short story challenge - inspired by Ray Bradbury who famously stated: It’s not possible to write 52 bad stories in a row.
3. Continuous Creation Challenge

…

Five alternatives to NaNoWriMo

• by Carrie Rembrandt

Writers don’t have to be novelists.

There is writerly life beyond novel writing!

1. The Notebook Project: One notebook, cover to cover, in 30 days
2. National Blog Posting Month: 30 blogs, 30 days.  I’ve discovered there are all kinds of these challenges and have actually participated in 31 Amazing Days - 31 because it was for the month of October.
3. Academic Writing Month  - Set your own goals based on these rules.  
4. Digital Writing Month 
5. Become a NaNo rebel - Actually NaNoWriMo organizers have set up an official forum devoted to NaNo rebels - for those writing non-fiction.

…

6  Alternatives to NaNoWriMo

• Dot and Dash

Sure enough, here’s one with SIX alternatives - although a few of them overlap with the previous article.

… and finally…

9 Alternatives to NaNoWriMo

Again, several overlaps with the articles above including poetry, blogging, and literary journals. Lots of fun stuff!

...

So there you go.  Lots of really cool options for you to try if you think that NaNoWriMo is too much.  Maybe you can tweak one of these to make your very own best version.

Images courtesy of National Novel Writing Month.

The story of a decade

It’s NaNo time again.  That time of year when people all over the world come up with an idea for a story... and an ambitious plan to type a bunch of words every day... for a total of 50,000 words during the month of November.  I have succeeded in cranking out those words 10 different times so I know I can do that part.  This year I've set my hopes a little higher; I plan to end up with an actual story that can be edited and published.   

Here are a few of today’s unedited lines…

Riding the rails...

Sure enough, the railroad offers a different vantage point.

Cuts through cities and small towns and farm land...

Backyards and industrial yards...

Cuts through them quickly. In the blink of an eye…

Clackity-clack.

…

Sell the Christmas tree farm?

That’s just crazy!

You’re kidding me; right?

Well, sure we want to travel and have some adventures…  but we most certainly want to come back home… to this amazing place!

…

How dare they?

Don’t they know that good kids come back home and put down roots?

They get married and have 2.5 kids.

They land respectable jobs and buy a nice house with a big garden and a white picket fence.

They put down roots and contribute to society.

They go to church and raise their kids in the fear and admonition of the LORD.

They are faithful and responsible.

Don’t they know that faithful and responsible also mean unchanging and unwavering?

Thankful October

It's Thursday and I'm thankful... because I choose to be.  Well, and because my calendar reminds me...  After a cold walk, I’m thankful for my warm house.  I am also thankful for this Thankful Thursday practice - simply because it reminds me to be thankful - even when I don't automatically feel it.

’Tis true that thankfulness and gratitude do not always come automatically or easily… especially with so many awful things happening in our world.  Yes, it is easier to let those negative feelings rule the day.  Sad and scared, fearful and frustrated, depressed and discouraged.  Seems like there is so much animosity and anger… not to mention confusion and chaos. Disrespect and cruelty and injustice and heartbreak.  It can feel overwhelming.

So what can one do?

Can we change things?

Where can we start?

I honestly don’t know... sometimes.

Except that maybe I can find something to be thankful for.  

Something positive.  

Something good in the midst of the awful.

Something beautiful to temper the difficult.

Somebody amazing.

Somebody who is finding creative ways to make the world a better place.

And maybe there is some way that I can help somebody else.

Maybe there IS something I can do.

Even something small. 

So… today is Thankful Thursday.

I am thankful for the reminder.

I am thankful for the great examples I've noticed just in the last few days.

I am thankful that I found a couple things that I can do to help somebody.

I am thankful for a gloriously beautiful October.

And I’m thankful for my warm house.

My inside voice

I wasn't feeling so well that morning. Not sick, but not up to par. Not at full strength. But as the teacher I still needed to control the room full of third graders and hopefully to teach them something. 

I may have flicked the lights - in those days a common trick to get attention. At any rate, I began in barely more than a whisper to explain to my students that I needed their help in being extra attentive because I wasn't able to speak very loudly.

To my delight, it worked. How cool! They got serious and even lowered their tones to match mine. It worked so well, in fact, that I decided I should remember this tactic.

...

Is there still some lesson for me today?  For me, the friend, the neighbor, the mentor, the writer, the influencer? In the classroom that morning, I learned that sometimes...  maybe rarely, but maybe  at least once in a great while... silence can speak louder than noise.  

Actually maybe not so rarely. That being the case, could my soft voice (or my silence) be as effective (or maybe even more effective) than my loud voice? Could my whisper cut through the noise better than a strong, bold statement?

I want to be a truth-teller, but maybe that doesn't always have to be with bold, strong statements. Maybe there should be more whispers of affirmation and encouragement from these lips. Certainly I could be using a soft voice more than I do - a voice that is kind and gentle rather than strong and persuasive. I'm not so confident in my ability to be strong and persuasive anyway.

So...  how about I practice using my inside voice? My gentle voice.  Maybe, just maybe, it will cut through the noise and maybe even calm the chaos. And quite possibly it will speak peace to ears that are aching from the surrounding din.

...  Edited and reprinted from my early days of blogging

Two parents, two processions

 1996

My first time to ride "up front" in a funeral procession

We slowed down coming into town.

But what’s this…?

People on the sidewalks stopped in their tracks, some with hands on hearts, waiting for the procession to pass

Caught me totally off-guard.

They didn’t even know who died, but they paused in respect.

I was moved. 

...

2020

Same route, pulling onto the highway from the same church, heading to the same cemetery.

Settling into the steady moderate pace when suddenly... 

A commotion… as a big pick-up truck comes flying by the cars in the procession... until he is forced to squeeze in...  between the hearse and my brother’s car just ahead of us. 

So much for a quiet peaceful ride to the cemetery behind the hearse carrying my mom’s body.  Instead we watched intermittent brake lights as he tried to get around that bothersome hearse.  

I guess he was in a hurry.  

Must have had somewhere important to be.

No time for interruptions.

No time to pause and respect a human life.

...

Different years

Different attitudes

Finishing well

Did you ever notice how life can get in the way of our goals?

…of what we think we should do with our life?

Strange but true.

Not only life…  but death can also get in the way of goals.

Not just in the obvious way, but even a death in the family can cause a sudden shake-up to our schedule and what we think we’re supposed to do with our time.

We experienced a death in the family this week.  

My schedule got flipped upside down.  

Plans and appointments got changed.

Goals and disciplines went out the window…  at least some of them.

…

My mom finished her life goals this week. At 92, she was ready to go.  Heaven was her next goal.  She had planned her funeral service and even pre-planned it… meaning she had pre-paid for her funeral package and all the details on file.  For months and years she planned and pre-planned and then RE-planned…  

When she was able to focus on life and living, her main goal and objective was to love people and serve them.  Serve them food if possible, but if she didn’t have food to offer, she’d find something else.  

When she ran out of things to do, she would re-visit her funeral plans. “Is there anything more I should do…?”

Sometimes she got confused between focusing on life or death.  So in our daily phone calls, she might start through her mental list: 

• I’d like to contact so-and-so.  
• I want to take care of this or that. 
• Did we get this figured out for the funeral?
• Maybe I can offer to sing for my friend - or pray for her. 
• I need some treats that I can share with the other residents.

She wanted to finish well.

…

Some days I get confused about my focus, too. 

How do I choose between the urgent and the important?  

How do I adjust my goals for the week while trying to plan a funeral during a pandemic?  

What will happen to my monthly goals? 

Expectations need to be adjusted - obviously. 

I need to take care of my own physical, mental, and emotional health.  

I want to be flexible but I also want to be intentional about the important stuff.   

With the month running out of days, I still want to finish well.

Fortunately I had a good example. 

Somber day, somber year

Feels like a somber 4th this year.

Feels like a somber year.

So unusual

Weird

Surreal

No friends gathering in the back yard tonight to view the fireworks...

Because …  no fireworks show this year

No gathering with family for months now

No snuggling with grandkids…

...

I’ve always been grateful to be an American.

I used to be proud…

But this year, I am humbled and sad.

I am embarrassed about how little I really knew about the history of my country.

And so this Fourth of July finds me more serious.

• Somber
• Quieter - well, except for fireworks exploding every night for weeks now!
• More thoughtful
• More intentional
• Choosing to listen to voices that I have not bothered to hear before
• Choosing to listen and learn
• Noticing how I have benefited from racism
• Processing how to handle my privilege

...

Speaking of privilege... 

Takes me back to my years in church leadership.

I used to preach sermons about a proper attitude about our blessings.

I used to sign my letters with the closing, "Blessed to be a blessing"

Because I really believed that I was...  blessed SO THAT I could be a blessing.

And I still believe that.  

I still want to use my blessings to bless other people.

That's the kind of person I want to be.

"With great blessing

comes great responsibility..."

But there was so much I did not realize.

It had not occurred to me that some of my blessings and some of my privilege came at such an unfair cost to others.  Well, maybe I knew parts of it.  Bits and pieces.  But maybe I had not yet taken time to get quiet and somber enough to sit under the truth that so many of our systems are cruel and unjust.  

Methinks this processing will be a LONG journey.  

But I have started.

…

On this day commemorating freedom and independence, I am embarking on a quest to learn how to stand for freedom for those Americans whose skin is darker than mine.  

I have much to learn.

I wish I had known better sooner.

I wish I were farther along.

But I am where I am.

And I can only start where I am.

Now I choose to know better. 

... so that I can do better.