Johnny Lingo

(The legend of Johnny Lingo has been published in many places and has been made into at least two movies.)
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My trip to the Kiniwata Island in the Pacific was a memorable one. Although the island was beautiful and I had an enjoyable time, the thing I remember most about my trip was the fact "Johnny Lingo gave eight cows for his wife." I’m reminded of it every time I see a woman belittle her husband or a wife wither under her husband’s scorn. I want to say to them, "You should know why Johnny Lingo gave eight cows for his wife."

Johnny Lingo is known throughout the islands for his skills, intelligence, and savvy. If you hire him as a guide, he will show you the best fishing spots and the best places to get pearls. Johnny is also one of the sharpest traders in the islands. He can get you the best possible deals. The people of Kiniwata all speak highly of Johnny Lingo. Yet, when they speak of him, they always smile just a little mockingly.

A couple days after my arrival to Kiniwata, I went to the manager of the guesthouse to see who he thought would be a good fishing guide. "Johnny Lingo," said the manager. "He’s the best around. When you go shopping, let him do the bargaining. Johnny knows how to make a deal."

"Johnny Lingo!" hooted a nearby boy. The boy rocked with laughter as he said, "Yea, Johnny can make a deal alright!"

"What’s going on?" I demanded. "Everybody tells me to get in touch with Johnny Lingo and then they start laughing. Please, let me in on the joke."

"Oh, the people like to laugh," the manager said, shrugging. "Johnny’s the brightest and strongest young man in the islands. He’s also the richest for his age."

"But …" I protested. "… if he’s all you say he is, why does everyone laugh at him behind his back?"

"Well, there is one thing. Five months ago, at fall festival, Johnny came to Kiniwata and found himself a wife. He gave her father eight cows!"

I knew enough about island customs to be impressed. A dowry of two or three cows would net a fair wife and four or five cows would net a very nice wife.

"Wow!" I said. "Eight cows! She must have beauty that takes your breath away."

"She’s not ugly…" he conceded with a little smile, "… but calling her ‘plain’ would definitely be a compliment. Sam Karoo, her father, was afraid he wouldn’t be able to marry her off. Instead of being stuck with her, he got eight cows for her. Isn’t that extraordinary? This price has never been paid before."

"Yet, you called Johnny’s wife ‘plain?’ "

"I said it would be a compliment to call her plain. She was skinny and she walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. She was scared of her own shadow."

"Well," I said, "I guess there’s just no accounting for love."

"True enough." agreed the man. "That’s why the villagers grin when they talk about Johnny. They get special satisfaction from the fact the sharpest trader in the islands was bested by dull old Sam Karoo."

"But how?"

"No one knows and everyone wonders. All of the cousins urged Sam to ask for three cows and hold out for two until he was sure Johnny would pay only one. To their surprise Johnny came to Sam Karoo and said, ‘Father of Sarita, I offer eight cows for your daughter.’ "

"Eight cows." I murmured. "I’d like to meet this Johnny Lingo."

I wanted fish and pearls, so the next afternoon I went to the island of Nurabandi. As I asked directions to Johnny’s house, I noticed Johnny’s neighbors were also amused at the mention of his name. When I met the slim, serious young man I could see immediately why everyone respected his skills. However, this only reinforced my confusion over him.

As we sat in his house, he asked me, "You come here from Kiniwata?"

"Yes."

"They speak of me on that island?"

"Yes. They say you can provide me anything I need. They say you’re intelligent, resourceful, and the sharpest trader in the islands."

He smiled gently. "My wife is from Kiniwata."

"Yes, I know."

"They speak of her?"

"A little."

"What do they say?"

"Why, just … " The question caught me off balance. "They told me you were married at festival time."

"Nothing more?" The curve of his eyebrows told me he knew there had to be more.

"They also say the marriage settlement was eight cows." I paused. "They wonder why."

"They ask that?" His eyes lighted with pleasure. "Everyone in Kiniwata knows about the eight cows?"

I nodded.

"And in Nurabandi, everyone knows it, too?" His chest expanded with satisfaction.
"Always and forever, when they speak of marriage settlements, it will be remembered that Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for Sarita."

So that’s the answer, I thought: Vanity.

Just then Sarita entered the room to place flowers on the table. She stood still for a moment to smile at her husband and then left. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin, and the sparkle in her eyes all spelled self-confidence and pride. Not an arrogant and haughty pride, but a confident inner beauty that radiated in her every movement.

I turned back to Johnny and found him looking at me.

"You admire her?" he murmured.

"She … she’s gorgeous." I said. "Obviously, this is not the one everyone is talking about. She can’t be the Sarita you married on Kiniwata."

"There’s only one Sarita. Perhaps, she doesn’t look the way you expected."

"She doesn’t. I heard she was homely. They all make fun of you because you let yourself be cheated by Sam Karoo."

"You think eight cows was too many?" A smile slid over his lips.

"No, but how can she be so different from the way they described her?"

Johnny said, "Think about how it must make a girl feel to know her husband paid a very low dowry for her? It must be insulting to her to know he places such little value on her. Think about how she must feel when the other women boast about the high prices their husbands paid for them. It must be embarrassing for her. I would not let this happen to my Sarita."

"So, you paid eight cows just to make your wife happy?"

"Well, of course I wanted Sarita to be happy, but there’s more to it than that. You say she is different from what you expected. This is true. Many things can change a woman. There are things that happen on the inside and things that happen on the outside. However, the thing that matters most is how she views herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. As a result, that’s the value she projected. Now, she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands. It shows, doesn’t it?"

"Then you wanted …"

"I wanted to marry Sarita. She is the only woman I love."

"But …" I was close to understanding.

"But," he finished softly, "I wanted an eight-cow wife."

Love - Part Three: Supernatural

Once upon a time there was a handsome prince who met this beautiful princess...

Wait!
Cut!!!!
This is not Hollywood, folks!
Marriage is not a fairy tale.

This is a series of posts about different kinds of love and different ways to treat a woman. In the middle east, women are treated with less than respect. In the celebrity world, we are more surprised to hear of a long marriage than of a break-up. Throw-away relationships are very much in style.

But this discussion was not about Muslim men. It was not about movie stars. We are not in the Middle East nor are we in Hollywood. This story involved pastors - their actions and their beliefs. This discussion about how we love each other and relate to each other in marriage is in the context of Biblical principles. We are called to be ambassadors of the love of Jesus. Our relationships should reflect that love. Our marriages are to represent the relationship between Jesus and the church.

In the previous posts, I talked about two kinds of love - an immature, selfish kind of love says "I will love you if you meet my conditions" and a level of love that is unconditional and says "I love you... for better, for worse." This second kind is more mature, realizing that my beloved WILL disappoint me, but I will love anyway. Unconditional love sees the worth of the whole person and cares about the well-being of that person. Much could be said about the dynamics of that kind of love. Volumes have been written about respect, companionship, affirmation, faithfulness, encouragement, passion and compassion.

Human beings are pretty good at conditional love, but it is not so natural to offer
unconditional love. It takes effort to consider the needs of the other person and willingly submit to the wishes of the other. We can give ourselves for another - as instructed by Jesus' example in loving the church. Those of us who grew up in the church learned that this is called agape love - the kind of intentional, unconditional, compassionate love that promotes the well-being of the beloved.

At weddings our pastor often talks about the ancient meaning of husbandry - to cultivate, to nurture and to help grow - sorta' like a gardener. He challenges each husband to play that role for his wife - to cultivate her giftedness, to encourage her to grow, to help her become all that she was meant to be. Cool. That sounds a lot like how Christ loved the church. Of course, it can work both ways; wives can do the same for their husbands. It is somehow redemptive, isn't it? Sort of a way to cooperate with God in His work.

.......

How thankful I am for a husband who loves me unconditionally. He is faithful, kind and patient. He affirms me and encourages me to do what I was created to do even when other people may not see the value in it. Not only that, but he is a man who respects all women and has little patience with men who don't. He is an amazing example of God's love. Living in close proximity to this man, I certainly hope that it rubs off on me. I aspire to continue maturing in my practice of unconditional love and to participate in the redemption of the people around me.

.......

Once again, I'm reminded of Johnny Lingo.
Gonna' have to read that story again...

Love - Part Two: Unconditional

Once upon a time...

The "sexiest man alive" falls in love with a beautiful and popular actress.
They are the subject of much gossip.
They are the beautiful people.
They get married and live happily ever after.

Wait. They live happily until...
Until "the sexiest man alive" makes a movie with another famous actress - perhaps more beautiful than the one at home. Sultry. Seductive. Maybe even the "sexiest woman alive."
He's hooked.
Divorces wife.
Starts family with new beautiful actress.
They live happily ever after...
Maybe.

......

Modern women (AND modern men)are constantly confronted with so many bizarre expectations and demands.
We must do this.
We should do that.
We'd better perform at this level - or else!
The pressures to conform and perform are huge - and often ridiculously unrealistic.
We can't possibly measure up!
We live discouraged.
We live frazzled.

When the "...or else" factor is introduced into the marriage equation, security is shattered. Now the discouragement is joined by fear. If I don't measure up, he'll leave. Talk about insecurity!

My previous post (Love - Part One) was referencing an online discussion about how much responsibility spouses have to keep looking good for each other. One commenter brought up the fact that most women WANT to look good their husbands. Duh! Another pointed out that it's not enough to want to; she also has to put some effort into it. Another DUH!!! Ya' think?

I just keep thinking about the woman who is painfully aware that she is not perfect. Maybe she has never felt pretty. That rude comment from junior high about being fat or ugly has been indelibly etched on her brain and on her soul. She does everything she can to look pretty, to stay fit. She invests time, she spends money on beauty products, she wears herself out to get in shape or stay in shape.

Hopefully she is too busy to read these online discussions. Hopefully she won't have to hear her husband make some of the comments that were posted. She is already run ragged trying to keep up with the multiple demands placed on her. She already feels incompetent and unconfident in too many areas. She's already running scared. The LAST thing she needs is to fear that her husband will be upset with her if she forgets to put makeup on. Or styles her hair the wrong way. Or puts on any extra pounds.

But.....

Blessed is the woman who feels secure in her husband's love.
Blessed is the woman whose husband loves her unconditionally.
Who sees her as a whole person.
Who meant it when he said "for better, for worse."
Blessed is the woman who knows she is loved when she succeeds and when she doesn't.

.......

It has been said that a woman of a good husband becomes more beautiful.
Hmmm...
Now that makes me think of the story of Johnny Lingo.

...to be continued...

Love - Part One: Conditional

Once upon a time a famous preacher was caught in a horrible scandal.
He lied.
He betrayed people.
He cheated on his wife.

The world was stunned.
Atheists had a heyday with it - more ammo to use against Christianity.
Christians were shocked, saddened, disappointed, angry.
Famous preacher was condemned, shunned, and banned by other Christian leaders.

In the midst of the brouhaha, another famous preacher came along and stirred up the pot by saying that preachers' wives shouldn't "let themselves go" - as if to imply that it might be an excuse for husbands to "look elsewhere."

Say what?!?

Still more famous preachers got in on the action by condemning that statement as being inappropriate. Preacher #2 apologized for his remarks.

Years pass. The topic surfaces from time to time. Yesterday was one of those times. A favorite blogger of mine published a thoughtful post about it - pointing out that said remarks were not Biblical. Commenters entered into discussion about how much responsibility spouses have to keep looking good for each other.

Later in the day a Facebook friend posts a link to said discussion.
More comments. More discussion.
Some good points were made, but my heart sank as I listened in.
Something felt so sad, so out of balance.
So shallow.
So much about rights and entitlement.
Somehow it felt like we were missing the point.

I tried to comment.
Couldn't do it.
Too torn up.
Too heart-broken.
Couldn't get past the big aching lump in my throat.
Part of me was crushed and vulnerable.
Part of me was pissed off.

To be fair, I should point out that I am not referencing any particular commenter here. In fact, I admit that I didn't... I couldn't read many of the comments.
Too upsetting.

So what's wrong here?
What's wrong with ME that I should react so?
Am I being hypersensitive?

Maybe it is too soon after the recent vivid discussion about how women are treated in the middle-east, where they are considered mere property. If a wife fails to please her husband in any way, he can get rid of her. It is an accepted fact of life that women will be groped and abused in public.

Americans are appalled by this mentality.
Right? Aren't we?

Are we more progressive in our thinking?
Are women treated with more respect here?
Maybe.
Maybe not.

This discussion brings up a myriad of issues - some of them certainly worth attention. However, it also plays right into the obsession we Americans have with youth and beauty and fitness.

And the discussion degenerates so easily into one of rights and demands.
"I deserve a beautiful and sexy wife."
"I expect to be proud of my spouse."
"I deserve to be happy."
"I expect you to read my mind."
"I am entitled to... "

Maybe I AM hypersensitive; probably I am.
In my ears, it sounds like "I will love you as long as you make me happy and meet my needs."
That kind of love is conditional.
Changeable.
Unsteady.

.....

Click here for part two - unconditional love.

Should pastors tell the truth?

Rachel Evans is becoming one of my favorite bloggers. She often tackles the tough issue of doubt which gives me courage to face mine.

This week she wrote a letter to pastors challenging them to tell their people the truth. Here's a brief sampling:

Dear Pastors,

Tell us the truth.

Tell us the truth when you don’t know the answers to our questions, and your humility will set the example as we seek them out together.

Tell us the truth about your doubts, and we will feel safe sharing our own.
...
Tell us the truth when you fall short, and we will drop our measuring sticks.

Tell us the truth when all that’s left is hope, and we start digging for it.

I was rather excited that such truth-telling would be encouraged.
But not so fast!
She received so many responses from pastors who feel like they are not allowed to tell the truth and/or they suffer consequences when they do.
Now I'm sad. So very sad.

Praying for Egypt

One week ago today, I posted some of my thoughts about the protests in Cairo. That was also the day that my daughter was trying to get out of the country. (Yes, they finally got out late that night to neighboring Jordan.) Since I posted that note, I've been working on another which I had hoped to post today.

HOWEVER, just a couple hours ago Mubarek resigned. Suddenly the situation there has greatly changed. The world waits to see HOW this transition to democracy will happen even as we are stunned to see what HAS happened. To have sustained 18 days of protests is unbelievable. That the protests have been generally peaceful is incredible and amazing.

I don't claim to have any wisdom on such a complicated issue, but I have watched this whole thing with great interest and have wondered what will happen there. There are many varied perspectives on the situation - as we all consider how the unfolding of this drama will affect our lives, our countries or our future. There is also the question about which perspective, which opinion, which report, which article to believe.

I was interested to receive something from the perspective of Christians within Egypt about a week ago. It comes from the Evangelical Fellowship of Egypt confirming that the church all over Egypt is united in prayer for the country and calling on the church globally to pray with them. Though they are a small minority, they are deeply committed to being good citizens and contributing positively to the future health and development of their nation. Christians (evangelical, Coptic, Roman Catholic) are uniting in prayer in homes all over the country for the welfare of their beloved nation. They are praying for:

* wisdom for all leaders in Egypt – both for the present government and for the future leadership of the country,

* safety of the young people in Tahrir Square – some of them are Christian, some of them are Muslim. The Christians believe strongly that most Muslims and Christians are united in their common concern for the welfare of the nation,

* peaceful change,

* positive outcomes that will benefit the country as a whole, and will bring glory to God,

* positive impact on the region and the wider world as a result of the change in Egypt.

Obviously things have changed drastically since this alert was issued, but I think it is still a pretty good list.

Caring for Egypt

During many tragedies and disasters around the world that are highlighted on the evening news, I've made comment that "all we care about is the Americans." Never mind how many Indonesians died as long as all the movie stars are safe. Never mind that the Haitians will suffer for years to come from the effects of this quake; the Americans can leave the squalor and come back to their comfortable homes. There were no survivors of the plane crash, but fortunately no Americans were on board.

I know that it is natural for us to be more concerned for "our own" than for the nameless, faceless masses around the globe who suffer with no hope of relief. At times I have been one of those traveling Americans who was able to leave and come home. Yes, I have felt compassion for those who had no way out. Indeed I have tried to be a watchman and an advocate for those who suffer.

Once again, this week on the nightly news we have been watching video clips from Tahrir Square in Cairo, Egypt - going into the 11th day of protests and now new violence. We have been nervous, saddened, fearful - about many aspects. Westerners are rightly concerned about how this will affect the stability of the region. Many also feel great compassion for the Egyptians who have long lived in such difficult circumstances and are suffering even further during this time. But again, the most natural response for us is to care about the Americans who are there or how it affects us. Of course, we get upset when western journalists are attacked. Our eyes are glued to the TV screen for news of American tourists. Of course, we want them to be able to get out safely.

This time my voice is one of the loudest hoping for that to happen. This time I freely admit that my main concern is for two Americans who have been living within a few blocks of Tahrir. This time I have been carefully monitoring the news and the travel alerts from the State Department and waiting and watching and hoping and praying for them to be able to get out safely. This time it's my baby girl was living within earshot of the commotion at Tahrir Square. This time it's my daughter and husband who were "confronted" and detained by the mob as they tried to leave the area. This time it's my kids calling the American Embassy to be rescued from the angry mob. This time I am the mom who is relieved that my daughter has safely arrived at the airport and will momentarily board a plane to leave the country.

One thing that could easily happen is for me to stop caring about Egypt as her plane crosses the desert and leaves Egyptian airspace tonight. I pray that that will not be the case. I hope that my heart has been expanded once again to the plight of the Egyptian people and ultimately of people around the world. Because my daughter is leaving a piece of her heart in Egypt, because she loves the history and culture of that place, because she hurts for the people there, perhaps this experience of waiting and watching from the other side of the globe will make me a better person, a better mom and grandma, a better friend and neighbor, a better steward of my many blessings.

I can only hope.