What a difference a year makes

One year ago today, my daughter was on the other side of the world, in the middle of a medical crisis, with uncertainty and danger on every side. We were waiting to hear whether she would need surgery. I was applying for my visa - not wanting to go to India, but wanting/needing to be there with her.

Today that daughter is safe in Michigan. Today I held her new-born daughter (my first grandchild) in my arms - in a beautiful, modern, sanitary birth center. How different from what might have been. How grateful I am.

One year later, other areas of life are very different as well. One year ago a flourishing house church was meeting in our home every week; today we are on a Sabbatical from pretty much all ministry. A year ago today we carried the dreams and burdens for this place and wondered where we would find the energy and resources to make them happen; today we feel released from that load and free to move on to new adventures. What a change that is for us. It feels like a fresh start, turning over a new leaf, opening a new chapter.

December 1 - World AIDS Day

Today is World AIDS Day - dedicated to raising awareness of the AIDS pandemic caused by the spread of HIV infection. I won't presume to tell you what you should do about this fact. I don't even know yet what I'm going to do. But I can mention some things that we could do.

I could spend some time thinking about a few facts:
-that AIDS has killed more than 25 million people between 1981 and 2007
-that of the estimated 2 million who died in 2007, about 270,000 were children

I could let myself be appalled at the numbers of people currently living with AIDS:
-one million in the Congo
-one million in Uganda
-over a million each in Kenya, Tanzania, Zambia and the USA
-nearly two million each in Mozambique and Zimbabwe
-two million in Nigeria
-5.5 million in South Africa
-5.7 million in India

I can applaud the efforts of those who:
-have chosen to minister to AIDS orphans across the African continent
-are using their fame & their wealth to try to curb the spread of disease
-have invested their time to do research and find cures

I can grieve with those who grieve.
I can remember specific people who have died from AIDS.
I can celebrate their lives and the contributions they made to this world.
I can express my gratitude for having known some of them.
I can pay tribute to the amazing and talented Ron Sims.
I am a better person for loving and having been loved by him.

Words can seem so trivial

Each day during November I have been posting something that I am thankful for. My thankfulness list is quite long - so it is often a struggle to narrow it down to one item.  But this morning there is another struggle as well.  I have friends who are dealing with a horrible tragedy today.  I pray for them and cry for them and can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a child - another child!

When I tried to choose my thankfulness item this morning, I felt so hesitant.  It feels insensitive.  I can't post something light & cheery.  Certainly there's nothing wrong with feeling thankful and expressing it; November is a good time for that.  But there is also a time to grieve.  We are told to mourn with those who mourn.  

Yes, I am thankful for so many things, but instead of posting some of them, today I choose to honor my friend, Jill, in her loss, and to mourn with her.  I continue to cry with her and pray for her. 

Lessons at the half

Wow; I'm really doing it. I'm writing a book. Amazingly I'm meeting the goals. That makes me more than a little proud of myself. I have now passed the half-way point, which it a pretty cool milestone. I've noticed that I am learning little lessons along the way - lessons about writing that might just as well apply to life.

1. The darn daily-ness of it is a pretty big deal.
We probably all understand the power of doing something every day - the building of a habit, but also the accumulation of the work being done - whittling away at a big project. When you are committed to doing something every day, that means sometimes you can fly with the inspiration, but other days you have to plow through the sludge.

2. Even a little bit extra every day counts up quickly
Because I knew I'd need to take a couple days off for special events - and because I'm afraid of getting behind - I decided to pad my daily goals a bit. Consequently, I've been steadily climbing ahead of the bar - almost surprising myself. I'm glad about that cushion because being ahead of the game motivates me whereas falling behind can cause panic in me.

3. Public accountability can be rather helpful
My first thought about writing this book was to keep it a big fat secret. I thought I'd feel a little silly telling people about it. But in some of the WriMo tips, we were told to tell everybody - because it makes you more accountable. I knew that was true and so I did. The deal is not only the accountability, but also the gift of encouragement that I've been offered. That's bonus.

I'm thankful for these lessons that seem to be helping me to reach this heretofore unimaginable writing goal. I am also trying to notice ways that these principles can help me reach other goals in life. Small lessons really, but with significant results: one day at a time, a little extra push each day, and let somebody know what you're doing.

Flashing life

"My whole life flashed before my eyes."

Evidently that's what happens to some people who experience a close call, a brush with death, a near-disaster of some sort. I am happy to report that I have received a gift - the opportunity for my life to march (much more slowly than a flash) before my eyes so that I have time to... Time to do what? Maybe time to enjoy it. Yes, that, but also time to grieve some things.

But I should explain how this came about. I am participating in NaNoWriMo during the month of November. (Google it if you're curious.) That means I'm writing a book. An autobiographical novel. I don't know how it will go or what shape it will become - nor whether I'll ever let anyone read a word of it. But what I do know is that I'm having fun and that this experience feels like a gift - the opportunity to process the memories of my life in a somewhat leisurely way. Feels like a good thing to do - healthy even - to stroll through my memories and pick out this one or that to see if I want to do any celebrating or grieving or learning or letting go.

I'm really glad for the opportunity - thankful for the gift.
Thanks, NanoWriMo.
Nano, nano

wonder

Wonder is a cool thing. Wonder can be intense. Intensely wonderful - or intensely agonizing. Wonder seemingly can wander away. Sometimes I wish to get the wonder back. Sometimes I just wonder where it went.

Bring on the wonder
-by Susan Enan

I can't see the stars anymore living here
Let's go to the hills where the outlines are clear

Bring on the wonder
Bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long

I fell through the cracks at the end of our street
Let's go to the beach, get the sand through our feet

Bring on the wonder
Bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long

Bring on the wonder
We got it all wrong
We pushed you down deep in our souls for too long

I don't have the time for a drink from the cup
Let's rest for a while 'til our souls catch us up

Bring on the wonder
Bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long

Bring on the wonder
We got it all wrong
We pushed you down deep in our souls, so hang on

Bring on the wonder
Bring on the song
I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long.

September

Quite often as I ride the lawn tractor this time of year, these few lines run through my head. "The goldenrod is yellow The corn is turning brown The gentian's lovely fringes Hang halfway to the ground" ...and then that's all I can ever remember of the old poem, "September," from country school days. I used to wonder how/where I could find it, but hey, now that we're in the internet age, certainly I can find it online. Sure enough; after a few dead ends, Google led me to it. Turns out I didn't have those lines quite right, but not too bad. Here it is... for your autumn reading enjoyment. 

 September 

 

THE golden-rod is yellow; 

 The corn is turning brown; 

 The trees in apple orchards 

 With fruit are bending down. 

 

The gentian's bluest fringes 

 Are curling in the sun; 

 In dusty pods the milkweed 

 Its hidden silk has spun. 

 

The sedges flaunt their harvest, 

 In every meadow nook; 

 And asters by the brook-side 

 Make asters in the brook, 

 From dewy lanes at morning 

 The grapes' sweet odors rise; 

 At noon the roads all flutter 

 With yellow butterflies. 

 By all these lovely tokens 

 September days are here, 

 With summer's best of weather, 

 And autumn's best of cheer. 

 But none of all this beauty 

 Which floods the earth and air 

 Is unto me the secret 

 Which makes September fair. 

 'T is a thing which I remember; 

 To name it thrills me yet: 

 One day of one September I never can forget. 

 

- Helen Hunt Jackson (1830-1885)

praise You in this storm

Thanks, Casting Crowns for these great lyrics...

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

A Sense of Wonder

"...there is nothing you can buy, achieve, own, or rent that can fill up that hunger inside for a sense of fulfillment and wonder. But the good news is that creative expression, whether that means writing, dancing, bird-watching, or cooking, can give a person almost everything that he or she has been searching for: enlivenment, peace, meaning, and the incalculable wealth of time spent quietly in beauty.

"Then I bring up the bad news: You have to make time to do this."

-Anne Lamott

Guilt takes flight

Guilt takes flight

Is writing a legitimate use of my time?

Do other wanna-be writers struggle with that question?

If so, perhaps you'll get a chuckle out of this piece that I wrote over a year ago.

---

Guilt Takes Flight

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I got up from my study desk where I had been writing & walked over to the dryer to check the laundry. Made a mental note about the next load which I’ll do when next up here at my desk. Something flitted through my mind – too quickly to snag. Two somethings perhaps, one chasing the other. I think the first might have been a quick bit of guilt – old, familiar, nagging guilt – or maybe it was more like obligation – deber*, should, ought to – also terribly familiar. However that flickering idea was quickly followed by a less familiar one: something like “Hey, that’s what you were supposed to be doing – writing. That was your hope, your plan, your goal for the day – to write down those memories of your dad.”

Whoa. That’s what I should be doing. That’s what I set out to do. There was no need to feel guilty. Then I became aware of a third thought gliding in behind the others. Didn’t get a really good look at it so I couldn’t be sure what it was, but it looked something like “Maybe I really do want to write. Maybe writing is a legitimate use of my time.” Here I was, fulfilling my stated writing goal and enjoying it so much that it didn’t seem like work. Hmmm…

This fleeting, fluttering flight pattern hit me as an affirmation. That it’s okay to write. And that maybe I can do it. Whoa. It feels hopeful. I like it. Might I really be able to adopt the “literary life”? Is it valid to spend time writing? Could it be possible that reading, writing, and studying might be legitimate? That it could be what I’m supposed to do with at least some of my time?

There’s a huge aching lump in my throat. Something feels significant – like I stand on the brink of transformation. Can it be? How could this be turned into reality? Do I leap off the cliff? Or maybe I should learn how to climb – or to fly!!!

Mixed metaphors are wacky things. Whatever I do, I’ll need tools. But how do I know which ones? Climbing & flying are quite different.

At any rate, a few things seem clear.

• First, guilt & deberes* are not helpful.

• Second, it’s o.k. to affirm myself and my desires - and my promptings – and my efforts.

• Third, I can learn to trust myself.

• Fourth, I’m already taking some good steps: evaluation, boundaries, balance, & disciplines. Keep up the good work.

_____________

* deber: (Spanish)

-verb

1. to owe

2. to have to (must, should, ought…)

-noun

1. duty, obligation

2. debt

3. debit

The bride

Best-selling author Anne Rice has renounced Christianity, but not Christ. Reactions to that news are varied: empathy, identification, sadness, judgment, scoffing, disagreement, admonition, anger, admiration, respect… My first reflex was to completely understand her frustration and to agree with some of her conclusions as stated on her Facebook page.

“Today I quit being a Christian. I'm out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being 'Christian' or to being part of Christianity. It's simply impossible for me to 'belong' to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I've tried. I've failed. I'm an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.

“I'm out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.”

I know that feeling of not belonging anymore, of not wanting to identify with the extreme right-wing group-think mentality that is so prevalent in evangelical circles. Like Ms. Rice, I am beginning to feel like an outsider – not from the body of Christ, mind you, but from the legalistic, anti-grace political machine of organized religion. For a very long time I’ve been sad that Christians have come to be known for what we’re against rather than what we are for and how we love.

Some are saying that they hope Anne Rice can find a loving caring segment of the body of Christ where she could be at home. I can agree with that wish, but maybe it misses the point she is making – that Christianity is becoming known for some ugly characteristics. Instead of pointing our fingers at her and being upset with her, shouldn't we be concerned about the things that are so very wrong within the church?

Interestingly, this is not a new problem. Jesus-followers in other parts of the world have avoided the term Christian for some time. When we in the West first heard of that happening, some of us judged their motives; perhaps they are trying to avoid persecution or are guilty of diluting the Gospel. In reality, they likely know more about persecution than we can even imagine. Instead the reason for avoiding this term is because it is an inaccurate label; it means something completely different in those cultures than it originally meant.

And now a similar phenomena is happening here in our own country - that the label "Christian" conjures up all kinds of hateful stereotypes. What are we to do about this perception? Different people come up with different tactics. Some choose to try to change Christianity into something that more closely resembles our leader. Others have given up on that attempt and feel that they must disassociate themselves from the hateful brand of Christianity that seems so un-Christlike. No matter which route you or I choose, somebody is going to find fault with it and question our wisdom and our motives as they have done with Anne Rice.

So what is the best God-honoring stance for me? Should I focus my energy and resources on trying to change the church? What can be done that might make a difference? Do we need to be part of the body of Christ? Does that mean that we must be members of the institutional church?

May God give Anne Rice wisdom to use her vast influence in a Jesus-honoring way. And God help me to be grace-filled and God-glorifying in my little world as well.

May the bride of Christ be beautiful and ready for her bridegroom.

I wonder & then wander...

I wonder about the things that cause me to wander. I started blogging because I thought I had things to say. Now that I've begun, I often think of something I want to write, but then when I sit myself down to write, I struggle. Yah, I know; even "real authors" deal with writer's block, but I'm not sure that's what this is.

There may be various factors such as lack of focus. I have many ideas, but how do I pick one? Then I face my long-standing lack of discipline and follow-through.

There's also a bit of fear and insecurity - namely fear of what people will think. I've discovered that I'm not very confident that my topics will be of interest to readers. I fear that it will seem silly, disjointed, whatever. I think that I would like to write thought-provoking posts to stimulate discussion - but is my skin tough enough to handle any barbed reactions that may come my way? Perhaps the insecurity also surfaces as concern that I will come across as some arrogant self-proclaimed expert, but not be able to back up that assertion. And one of my biggest fears is that I will be offensive in the things I say - because I DO feel rather strongly about some of these topics.

But hey, if it's MY blog, maybe I AM the expert. At least I'm the owner, the manager, the administrator, so I am in charge of what is said there. It's time to set the fears aside and get down to business. I believe that I have something to say, and I am capable of doing so graciously. If people don't like what I write, they don't have to read it. Duh.

So my blog may seem silly or boring to some. I may not say things well and I might not even know what I'm talking about. After all, part of the purpose of my blog is to process my thoughts on any given topic. Others may not agree with me, but I can listen and maybe even learn from their comments.

Yah, I talk big.
Now let's see if I really follow through...

Wisdom & wonder

Wisdom begins in wonder.

~Socrates

To blog or not to blog

 Have you ever thought about starting your own blog?

Why would someone want to blog?

Some reasons I've observed for blogging:
1. To establish a regular writing habit, a spot for writing practice
2. To invite critique of your work from others online
3. To process your thoughts or to chronicle a journey
4. To communicate with friends – maybe as a type of newsletter
5. To create a following, to build an audience
6. To promote a cause or a concept
7. To develop a sort of portfolio for future reference
8. To gain exposure, discover opportunities for writing

What am I missing?
What other reasons might tempt you to blog?

Cancer-free & happy

Another annual check-up has come and gone. The second try to get there was successful. No canceled flights, no delays, uneventful travel. Lovely weather. Needle pokes mostly successful. Test results all good.

It has been six and a half years since original diagnosis and four years since recurrence and treatment. Annual check-ups can stir up a bit of anxiety. Good test results bring sighs of relief.

Gratitude is a dominant feeling at times like this. It is so nice to have yet another check-up behind me.

Quite a day!

1:30 a.m.
Fitful sleep
Somewhat normal stress about getting up early to catch a plane
Also some “normal stress” about cancer check-up

2:40 a.m.
Awake again
…& so on…
4:30 a.m.
Need to get up in 30 minutes.
Wonder if I should try to sleep a little longer.

5 a.m.
What’s that noise?!?! Oh, yah, the alarm.
Guess I did go back to sleep.

6:15 a.m.
Out the door, on the way to Saginaw.

7:30 a.m.
AR. MBS airport, say good-bye to hubby

7:35 a.m.
Checking in at kiosk.
Agent says the flight is canceled because of t-storms in Chicago.
“Put you on 8 a.m. flight to Detroit – then 10:10 flight to Chi-town."
Sent to next desk
Hurry up & wait.
Call B. – maybe stay nearby.
Finally get some paperwork for Delta flight
No seat assignment yet
Hurry to gate area
Through security, no problem
Gate agent eventually issues seat assignment
Time for bathroom? Nope; boarding now.
Board plane, find seat, use bathroom.
Small planes have tiny bathrooms!
Call B. – I’m on plane
Call cancer center; inform transportation dep’t of flight changes
Turn off cell phone.
Barely notice take-off, normally a favorite thing.
Lean back, breathe.

8:10 a.m. – descending already
8:16 a.m. – on ground in Detroit. That was fast.
8:22 a.m. – at gate
Ask for connecting flight info – Gate A-57
Up this escalator, turn left, down the escalator, thro’ tunnel, up escalator
No big rush, departure is at 10:10 a.m.

8:35-ish – AR at new gate
Flight delayed, to depart at 10:54 a.m.
Call CC to give heads-up on latest schedule change

Flight delayed again – now to depart at 11:45 a.m.
Call CC to update.

Gate change
Flight delayed again – depart at 1 p.m.
Call CC – push back appointments?
Oops; wait. Flight is canceled
Stand in line to learn options
Call B.
Call CC
Keep standing in line

They’re closing this gate.
Go to Gate A-43 for options
Confirmed for flight tomorrow – 7 a.m.; for other options, must see person at desk.
Stand in line.
No hotel vouchers
Call B.
Call CC. Travel person gives blessing to going home & re-scheduling. She sees flight to Saginaw at 1:45 p.m. Seats available? Doesn’t know. Advises me to stay in line.

1:30 p.m. – still in line
The natives are restless (the other people standing in line)
Finally my turn
There is a flight to Saginaw at 3:45 p.m.
Can’t do that because United is still holding ticket.
Agent "releases" boarding pass as requested by CC's travel staff & tears it up.
Hmm… Wonder if that’s a good thing.
Call B. – Come to Detroit and get me…?

Find an outlet to charge phone
Call from CC: try to get United to release ticket for credit
Wait for phone to charge a bit
Go to ticket counter area; no United, different terminal.
Walk to shuttle stop, ride shuttle to North terminal, walk some more…
Huge line for United desk; never made it.

Hubby arrives to take me home.
Try calling United about ticket. Can't get thro' to real person.

Did I make the right decision? Who knows?
Learned later that more bad storms came thro’ both Chi-town and Detroit. Tornadoes were sighted and/or touched down in both cities. Trains were stopped, expressways closed and even the big planes were grounded.

Guess I made the right decision.
Happy to get back home safely.
But I still have to go for that check-up – try again same time next week.

What is the story going to be?

 "The thing about writing a story in real life and on paper is half the effort is just figuring out what the story is going to be."

~Robert McKee, author of a "screenwriters' bible" called Story: Substance, Structure, Style and the Principles of Screenwriting

...
Does it resonate with you? It definitely does with me. I often feel this "pressure" of trying to figure out the direction I want to go with all of the ideas that swirl in my head.

And now that the dilemma is verified by this expert, Robert McKee, now what is the solution? Guess maybe I need to read his book. Or even re-read Donald Miller's "Million Miles."

What one thing?

I often feel scattered - or pulled in different directions. There are so many things to do - things that I want to do, things that I need to do, things that I should do... Arrrrgh! How do I find balance? How can I be more productive? As I think these things, I remember something I wrote a couple years ago. Perhaps it would be helpful to pull it out & read it again...

............
Yep, I'm trying to get my house in order.
-My house - literally.
-My life.
-My office.
-My stuff.
-The piles, the files, the messes.

Nope, this is NOT a new quest. I've been trying to get my stuff organized, sorted, de-cluttered for years now. Am I making any progress? Oh, boy; do I ever HOPE so.

But it seems like I keep getting STUCK. Like it's three steps forward, two steps back. At least, I certainly hope there are more forward than back.

So I try new methods. I encourage myself to stick with the old ones - the ones that seem to work. I use gimmicks. I post reminders. I seek accountability & support. I promise myself rewards. I try to discover the obstacles & find ways to remove them. I evaluate which things are time-wasters & work at eliminating them.

In my honest moments, I realize that I'm probably still trying to attempt too many things at once. My old habits of multi-tasking tempt me to spread my focus too wide. My tendency for not wanting to miss out on anything hinders my attempt to choose a single goal. But I must.

So, now I've happened upon a new tactic. How about if I begin to ask myself "What ONE thing...?"

-What one thing bothers me the most today?
-What one thing could I change that would improve my world?
-What one thing would make me feel better about myself & my day?
-What one thing is most urgent? Or most important?

This just might work - in various settings - to give me the nudge I need.
-What one thing could I do before I take a break? (or "before I go to bed?")
-What one thing could I accomplish in this 5 minutes before heading out the door? (or "...before my TV show comes on?" or "...while dinner is cooking?")
-What one thing could I be working on WHILE watching Jeopardy?
(or INSTEAD of Jeopardy - *gasp*)
-What one thing could I do during the next commercial break?
-What one thing could I put away before grabbing that snack?

Speaking of snacks, I realize that this could apply to other areas in my life - where I need to narrow my focus & choose only the best - like food. For example, before popping something into my mouth, I could ask myself:
-What ONE thing would I most like to eat - instead of munching on a whole bunch of stuff?

My friend has given me ideas of other ways to use this. When taking a break from work, she suggests asking "What one thing would I enjoy the most for this break time?" Then for a chunk of work time, she asks "What one thing do I most want to have done?"

So again I try - to take steps to get my house de-cluttered. What shall I tackle this week? What one thing?

..........

Sure enough, this is not a new battle for me. I do, however, notice a couple changes. Improvements, hopefully. I don't watch Jeopardy anymore - but not because of any virtuous decision on my part. Nope, it's just that we no longer get that channel since the switch to digital TV. Ya' gotta' love progress! But actually, I watch very little TV these days - so perhaps that has been a good step in eliminating time-wasters.

So I continue to struggle. Not gonna' give up. Important things are worth fighting for.

Shun the limelight

“I’m not sure I agree with Rick on this point.” That was my friend’s comment as we were discussing "The Purpose-Driven Life" and specifically Rick Warren’s directive to “avoid the limelight.” My friend protested, “But that’s not always possible.”

What exactly did Rick say?
•Real servants maintain a low profile.
•Self-promotion and servanthood don’t mix.
•You won’t find many real servants in the limelight; in fact, they avoid it when possible.

Rick continues with some observations about the subtle dangers and temptations of living in the limelight. I can understand the heart of his warning. However, my friend is also right that it’s not always possible – or appropriate – to avoid the lime-light. In fact, Rick Warren himself doesn’t always succeed at avoiding it. He was recently on the cover of Newsweek – for Pete’s sake!!! Does that make him a hypocrite?

Which is it? Does he have a valid point or should we throw it out because it’s not feasible?

What if we change the word “avoid” to “shun”? Oops; that doesn’t work either. It means pretty much the same thing.
•To avoid deliberately, as a practice
•To keep clear of

So is there another word that might fit better? A word that means the opposite of “to grasp”, “to seek”, “to value.” Maybe I could copy Paul’s choice of words - and “consider it all dung” – so much crap. Rubbish. Not something to be valued.

At any rate, here’s what maybe we should do about the next limelight opportunity.
•Hold it loosely.
•Maintain a “Can take it or leave it” attitude.
•Don’t seek it.
•Don’t “value” it.

We’re talking about an attitude here.
•Instead of seeking to be up front, we operate as a team player.
•Instead of basking in the applause, we deflect the praise to God.
•Instead of grasping the prime spot, we invite others to the place of honor, we encourage them & provide opportunities for them.
•Instead of claiming credit, we watch for ways to make others look good.
•In word and in action (AND in spirit) we value the ministries of others as much as we might hope others would value ours.

Seems almost Biblical, doesn’t it?
•Don’t think of yourself more highly than you ought to think.
•Consider others ahead of yourself.
•Don’t choose the seat of honor.

What’s the conclusion?
While it is true that we may have limelight moments – serving “up front” or being appointed to a position of privilege &/or responsibility or receiving this or that honor - seems like we should realize that the spotlight isn’t really on us, but on the One whom we serve. It isn’t MY spotlight moment, after all, but His. “Not to us, but to Your name be the glory.”

A.W. Tozer illustrates:

"It’s the first Palm Sunday, and here comes Jesus riding into Jerusalem on a donkey. The crowds begin to shout 'Hosanna! Hosanna!' The old donkey pricks up his ears. Some in the crowd throw their coats in the road; others spread out palm branches.

“'Well!' says the donkey, switching a fly off a mange patch. 'I had no idea they really appreciated me like this! Listen to those hosannas, would you? I must really be something!'"

To that story Anne Ortlund aptly adds:
"Friends, if anybody comes around after the service saying, 'Wow! That was terrific!' – they’re not actually saying hosanna to you.

"All you did was bring Jesus to them."


---
(This piece was written in 2007 when I was a church leader which sometimes meant being in the spotlight. Today I read a guest blog by Paul Baloche titled "Beware of the stage" - which reminded me of the topic. Edited May 2010)

Further thoughts on aging

"Never resent growing old. Some are denied the privilege."

-----

"Optimists age like wine.... Pessimists age like milk."

-----

"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
-George Burns

Celebrating 59

Tomorrow is my birthday.
Today I celebrate my last day of being 59.
No, not like some women celebrate being 39 - again.

Why are we women so touchy about our age anyway? I wonder about that. Does it have anything to do with how highly we value youth & beauty in our culture? That's not a bad thing. I spend time on Facebook looking at my young friends' photos of their new babies - and my even younger friends' prom pictures from last week-end. So cute. So young. So beautiful. But how sad if our obsession with youth and beauty causes us to devalue age and maturity.

Birthdays are milestones, to be sure, and not always pleasant ones. Lots of thoughts have been swirling in my mind about this big one coming tomorrow. I guess the main thing that bubbles to the surface is celebration. I have so many reasons to celebrate. The most obvious one in my mind is that, after being diagnosed with cancer at age 53, I didn't know whether I would see this day. Yep, I'm a big advocate for getting old - because it sure beats the alternative. I am also blessed to be in many ways in better health than I was at the last big b-day. Back then, I was what my doctor called "de-conditioned" - translated "badly out of shape" - when I couldn't pass a stress test. Now I'm able to walk a mile (or two or three) at a time. Yesterday I walked four!!!

But probably the best thing that has happened in the last decade is that I have been catapulted from religious obligation to spiritual freedom. Not freedom to make selfish choices, but freedom to set healthy boundaries - and especially freedom to discover grace. It really is amazing and I'm so glad that I get to experience it.

Many times during those 59+ years, I realized that mine has been a good life and I'm thrilled to discover that at least in some ways it just keeps getting better. That's something to celebrate!

FOUR miles!!!

I walked an extra mile today - for a total of FOUR!!!
That's a new record.
I'm excited.

Long Wandering Prayer

David Hansen has written a book by that title and describes it as follows:

"Long wandering prayer involves leaving our normal environment for the express purpose of spending many hours alone with God. It involves walking, or at least moving, and stopping whenever we want, to consider a lily for as long as we desire. Long wandering prayer uses the fact that our minds wander as an advantage to prayer rather than as a disadvantage. In long wandering prayer we recognize that what we want to pray about may not be what God wants us to pray about. Our obsessive drive to control our minds in the presence of God, that is, to pray about one thing or stick to one list, may be a form of hiding from God. In this kind of prayer we recognize the wandering mind as a precious resource for complex and startling dialogue with God."

That sounds a little bit like wondering as I wander. I like it.

New word: concatenate

I wonder about a lot of things - hence the name of this blog. Pretty much every time I come across a word that is unfamiliar to me, I wonder what it means. Word nerd that I am, I put an icon for dictionary.com on my desktop so that I can look things up easily and immediately. Before the days of the internets, my kids would chuckle to see me get up and head for the big book. They really gave me a hard time when I designated a spot to keep the dictionary in the kitchen, right next to the table where it would be handy. But now in this modern era I can stay in my chair and let my fingers do the walking - meaning that I don't get much physical exercise with my mental activity. I don't always remember the definition, but the discovery is still fun.

An article caught my attention tonight because it was about beads in a bead shop. I am fascinated by the art of jewelry-making and have been collecting the components for this as a hobby. I was in a bead shop the other day and remembering that some shops offer classes. Sounds like fun to me.

The writer was telling about going into the shop and collecting choice beads in a little muffin cup and beginning to imagine "what dazzling concatenations might emerge from fashioning piles of beads into stunning pieces of jewelry." How lovely that sounded and I began to imagine what "concatenations" might be. So I clicked on my dictionary to find out. To concatenate is to link together, to unite as in a chain. A concatenation is a series of interconnected or interdependent things or events. Cool.

Turns out that she was comparing the beads to words and the dazzling concatenations would be the writing that happens when you put words together in the most pleasing way. 

Michigan's "voice of summer" silenced

Famous recognizable voices can bring to mind certain movie characters, historical news moments, or specific memories from the past. Each spring from 1960 to 2002 Michiganders thrilled to hear the "voice of summer" - the voice of Detroit Tiger baseball, Ernie Harwell. Ernie called the action of Tiger games for 42 years, creating one of my favorite childhood memories. More recently that voice informed us how to prepare for the transition to digital TV and spoke out for fitness and healthy living.

Last year Ernie was diagnosed with incurable cancer and died yesterday at age 92. Ernie was set to receive the Vin Scully Lifetime Achievement Award in Sports Broadcasting in New York - today. Al Kaline will receive the award on Ernie's behalf - which is poignant for me because Kaline was "my" Tiger, playing his entire major league career with Detroit.

It is not unusual for radio personalities to begin to feel like part of the family; that was probably never more true in my family than with the beloved Ernie Harwell. I hope my dad has had a chance to welcome him to heaven.

On this early day in May, I join the crowd saying good-bye to Ernie. Thank you, Ernie, for all of those wonderful days of summer.

Happy Star Wars Day!

May the 4th be with you.

Celebrate life!!!

On Easter week-end I declared that I was going to observe a "celebration of life" ritual. Instead of giving something up as some do during Lent I was going to add something each day to celebrate life. I got the idea from a friend but wasn't sure I would have the creativity or consistency to follow through. I had fun brainstorming a list of ideas and tried out a couple of them, but then I got "too busy" and dropped the ball for a few days. Ironic, huh? how life got in the way of celebrating life?

I watched my friend play out his Lazarus Experiment, asking what Lazarus might do after being given a second chance at life. He came up with some really cool stuff and documented them each day on Facebook. His list began to look much more spiritual than mine. He looked for opportunities to serve while I had been thinking more in terms of what I would selfishly enjoy.

I could be tempted to be sad - either that my experiment didn't become a grand thing or that my ideas weren't as meaningful as his. But then that would be just silly to be sad about that. I suppose that my old self might have seen this as some kind of failure or cause for discouragement. But no, I choose to celebrate.

I celebrate life.
I celebrate creativity.
I celebrate joy.
I celebrate fun.
I celebrate health.

I celebrate the fact that I have slowed down to smell the roses. AND to smell my favorite perfume. Yep, during & after chemotherapy, I abandoned perfume because of the constant low-grade nausea. So now, to celebrate life and health, I wear it again & let every whiff remind me how good it feels to feel good again. That's celebration.

Thanks to an early spring, my shoulders are already a bit tanned - and it's barely May! I have watched for chances to catch some rays - again because I CAN - something I was unable to do during chemo & radiation. Not only CAN I sit in the sun, but I'm SUPPOSED to - getting my daily dose of vitamin D to combat the toll that cancer drugs have taken on my bones. So, yay for sitting in the sun. I celebrate sunshine.

I've done only a few ideas on my list, but they have been joyful.

I spent a whole week-end with my daughters and celebrated those amazing women!

I've gone an extra mile on my morning walk - just because I can - and rejoiced that I am able to do it.

I have made some decisions that were healthy and fun for me, and I've made some sacrifices to serve other people.

I have eaten some of my favorite foods and look forward to many more. Yes, I'm going to try a peanut butter and banana sandwich!

I celebrate being alive and healthy.

I celebrate who I am - that I am willing to try new things and establish new rituals.

Most of all I celebrate that I live by grace now instead of by a list of rules.

Let the celebration continue!!!

Leadership, flow charts, & relationship

John Ortberg articulates well something that I have often thought.

"...when it comes to getting leadership right, 98 percent of the ballgame is relationship. I believe where there is a relationship of joy and commitment and mutual submission and trust and authentic love — then the division of labor issues can flow freely and effectively. But where the relationship is broken, all the org charts in the world can't save it."

Thanks, John. Now I don't have to figure out how to say it.

(The above lines are from the article - “How do we hire?” – LeadershipJournal.net, posted 3-29-10)

A better idea

In my last post, I mentioned friends who had given up things for Lent. This morning I heard from a friend who has decided to add something every day from Easter to Ascension Day - May 13 - to celebrate life. He calls it an "anti-Lent" ritual, but some people don't appreciate that.

Now this is something I could get excited about. Think I might jump on that idea. Will I be able to think of 40 different things? It sure will be fun to try! Maybe I'll start my list of ideas today...

Lent

I wonder about Lent. I wonder who came up with it. I wonder how important it is, or how valuable. I hear tidbits from those who have observed Lent, but don't remember hearing many stirring testimonials. Where I grew up, Lent was not observed - at least not religiously. For some reason this year I found myself wondering about it - wondering why it is observed and whether I ought to do so. Is it for the discipline? The sacrifice and suffering? The appreciation of blessings?

I toyed with the idea of doing some serious study about the history and rationale of Lenten observance, but have mostly just kept my ears open and have asked a few questions. Some friends are fasting from social networking; at least one is giving up entire food groups in a Daniel fast. One that has captured my attention is "40 Days of Water" put on by Blood:Water Mission. Evidently members give up all beverages except water and participate in various awareness events. I wonder if I could do that. I wonder if I want to do that. I wonder if I would be serious enough to really make it happen.

Then I wonder again about the big picture, about the motivation to give something up for Lent. I suppose the reasons may be as diverse as the people. Is it legalistic? Ritualistic? I don't feel compelled to participate, but neither do I totally reject the notion. Perhaps I'll mentally file these wonderings in the "fasting" folder - and pull them out at another appropriate time to re-think the topic. Maybe next year.

A million miles in a thousand years

 by Donald Miller

You could say it's a book about writing. Or you could say it's a book about life. Better yet, call it a book about how writing is like life. Specifically it is about story - as it applies to writing and to life.

Miller explores what it takes to make a story and how those same ingredients are needed to write a good story of our life. An interesting comparison.

So what is the essence of story? A story is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it. The book is organized by those segments:

• Part Two: A Character
• Part Three: A Character Who Wants Something
• Part Four: A Character Who Wants Something and Overcomes Conflict
• Part Five: A Character Who Wants Something and Overcomes Conflict to Get It

I'm finding it to be an interesting read with some good challenges for life as well as for writing.

Yet another learning experience

Tonight I learned some more things about the internet - more specifically about "blogspot" & how to add gadgets & re-arrange. Gadgets are fun - in real life & on the internet. I'd go so far as to say that the internet is fun. Thanks, Al Gore, for inventing it. Post-it notes are okay, too.

So yah, I learned how to add lists. Lists of favorite books, favorite quotations, etc. I even learned how to add a widget - which is something I'd thought of doing for quite some time.

Grace ...for good days & bad

My worst days are never so bad

that I'm beyond the reach of God's grace. 

And my best days are never so good

that I'm beyond the need for God's grace. 

 -Unknown

Appropriateness

(Previously posted as a FB note...)

In the open atmosphere that is Facebook, it’s often tough to be objective about what or how much to post. For example, it’s difficult when you have a crisis that you can’t talk about – when you feel so alone and want to share the pain, the hurt, the fear, so that people will rally in support or encouragement, but it isn’t appropriate for some reason. Then, when the crisis is averted, when the prayer is answered, when the fear gives way to relief and huge sighs and you’re able to breathe deeply again… Then, you once again want to share – so that others can celebrate with you… but perhaps it still isn’t appropriate. How do you express your joy adequately, but discreetly?

For that matter, what IS appropriate on Facebook anyway?

Methinks that Facebook is a new world unlike any we’ve lived in before.
• It can be great fun to connect so regularly with the details of our friends’ lives.
• We can feel a sense of intimacy and well-being and good-will and camaraderie.
• It’s easy to forget that all 350 of my friends are now privy to the minute details that I wanted to share with a few.

Before Facebook, a few of us had tasted what it’s like to be a public figure – whether as teacher, minister, or other professional – and hopefully learned a bit about appropriateness in sharing personal information. Since Facebook, we have all become “public persons” – with or without previous practice.

Facebook does provide an easy platform for several things.
• A place to share joy and sorrow – or pet peeves
• A “publication” to post the latest news in our world
• A billboard to promote a favorite cause
• A soapbox for political rants (Oops; I mean opinions)

It may be natural to assume that most of my friends think like me and that we share the same passions and opinions. However, it’s not too hard to figure out that this isn’t necessarily the case. So… I’ve been trying to stop and think about how my posts may be interpreted by my friends – or by friends of friends. I don’t mean to suggest that I should never add a quick comment to a friend’s post, but I do want to be sensitive not to unnecessarily cause pain or embarrassment.

Perhaps these are good questions to ask before I post.

1. Is it confidential? If it’s not my news to share, then maybe I shouldn’t be the one to share it.
2. Is it offensive? This question begs a disclaimer: I’ve lived most of my life in fear of offending somebody and am finally breaking free from that fear. So I am not saying I need to tiptoe around people’s feelings, but it’s not a bad idea to ask myself if this posting will be offensive to others and whether it is worth the risk.
3. Is it polarizing or inflammatory? Some of us move almost exclusively in like-minded circles while others have friends from all over the spectrum. What may be hilariously funny to my right-wing friends can seem terribly arrogant and hateful to others. And vice-versa. What if a friend of mine voted for this horrible, evil jerk-face that I am ranting about? How does that make my friend feel? It’s very easy to bad-mouth those with whom we disagree, but I would be wise to avoid name calling and other disrespectful tendencies – which leads to a good bottom line…
4. Is it respectful? Is this comment respectful to my friends, my family, my co-workers? How about those with whom I disagree? What kind of example am I setting in the way I speak about people?

I don’t claim to be a paragon of virtue. I am simply sharing some of my struggle to find appropriate parameters in my internet interaction. And not just on Facebook, but these questions could be helpful in many other settings in real life.

A gift

I felt a touch of grace today.
Freedom.
Closure.
Gratitude.
Appreciation.

A sense of rightness.
Transformation.
What once seemed all wrong now revealed in a better light.
What once was a puzzle now makes sense.

Redemption.
Liberation.
Ah, yes.
Good things.

I felt a touch of sun today.
A ray of hope.
So bright I could barely see anything else.
So bright. Made me squint.
Warmed my body.
Warmed my soul.

Lightness.
Joy.
Hope.

I felt a touch today.
An answer.
A gift.
Grace.

I wonder

• I wonder if I should start a new blog that will hopefully be more accessible than my old one.
• I wonder if I will be more consistent about blogging here.
• I wonder what I should include in this blog.
• I wonder if I should establish certain patterns or routines.
  
• I wonder if anyone will read my blog.
• I wonder if anyone will like what they read.
• I wonder if anyone will comment...
• I wonder if any of this matters in the greater scheme of things.