Seasons of life

“My writing goal for this month is

to spend less time writing.” 

Wait; did I really say that?

A common question in writing groups might be something like “how’s your writing going this week?” Or “what is your writing goal this month? Good questions.

 

Our answers were often predictable about trying to find more time for writing. That’s why I was surprised to hear myself say that my writing goal for this month is to not spend so much time writing.  

Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised. 

After all, I had been spending more time writing.  

Maybe too much time.

I had kept my head down and pushed myself to get that writing project done.

For months writing had been pretty much my single focus.  My top priority.

I was depleted.  My project was intensely personal and had been mentally and emotionally exhausting.  It certainly made sense that I needed a break.

So I took a break.

A week or two.

A month, maybe three.

Eventually I became aware of another thought that also caught me off-guard.

It was as if I didn’t want to be a writer anymore.

Or at least that I wanted to be something else besides a writer.

I had worked hard to become a writer. 

• I decided to start thinking of myself as a writer. 
• I slowly built a consistent writing habit. 
• I chose to focus on writing as one of my highest priorities.
• I started a blog… and have posted regularly for well over a decade!
• I wrote and self-published a book… and then another.

I gave up other things to become a writer. By prioritizing my writing, I set aside other things that I now want to value.  I don’t regret my writing focus, but that’s not all I want to be in this next season.  I want to be more than a writer.  I am ready to move writing to a lower spot on the list because other things need to move to the top - for at least this season.  I no longer want writing to consume the biggest chunk of my time or energy - nor to be my main identity.

A writer friend called it balance - implying that balance is a good thing.

Another writer friend said that balance is a myth.

So which is it?

Maybe it’s about balance through the seasons.

About big pictures and small details.

Maybe there will be times for a single focus… 

AND times for balanced perspective.

And so I pause... to ponder... the seasons of life.

Focus

 2020 vision

A year ago I wrote about vision and focus and perspective… and the fact that I sometimes struggle to keep my focus on the “right” things. The important stuff.   I was referring to the fact that other things around us are constantly vying for our attention and that I am easily distracted.  I was hoping to focus on becoming more focused… or something… during 2020.  

You could say that 2020 did not go as planned; right?  We quickly found ourselves in a different world than we had ever imagined.  To say that our focus changed is a huge understatement.  

Suddenly, more than ever, so many things screamed for our attention and continue to demand our focus.  Many of them are negative.  Sad and scary and often downright frightening.  Frustrating and heartbreaking.  AND things that make us angry and that threaten to destroy our relationships and our communities.  

It has become so hard to look away…  

To pull our focus from the horrible… and toward the worthwhile.  

To seek and find the good.  

To believe the best. 

To choose to be the good.  

To contribute to that which builds and heals.

Photo by Jenna Hamra from Pexels

I admitted a year ago that I needed to get better at choosing my focus.

And now as I stand in this moment, I’m not sure it has EVER been so difficult.

Nor so important.

For all of us.

Life and health depend on it.

We must choose wisely.

little tiny window in that teeny tiny place

When I posted this photo as my cover shot back in 2012, there were lots of comments about the lovely view. 

But I see more than the view outside the window.
I see and remember and can almost feel the darkness in that little loft...
The black margin around that cheery picture.
The frame of darkness.

And I see a symbol of some of the process we chose to maintain our mental health.

I can remember that the time in this tiny place definitely had an edge to it.
Yes, there was the edge of excitement and crazy abandon and wild adventure.
But there were also moments that could better be described as the edge of despair.

What's the word?
The being closed off inside this tiny space ...
The vulnerability...
Claustrophobic!
That's it.

As I look at this picture today in December 2020...  not quite solstice, with the darkness still encroaching, it feels painfully familiar.  I can see a bit of light and beauty and life but it is still framed in a lot of darkness.

The place we now sit definitely has an edge to it.

Yes, there is an edge of relief and a bit of hope...

But there are also moments of fear that could be described as the edge of despair.

I made it through those months in that small space.

I focused on the light and beauty and hope rather than the surrounding darkness.

Most days.

I can still make that choice today... to survive this depressing time and place.

I can choose to cling to that bit of hope even while not expecting too much...

Pandemic respect

So many things make me sad today

Break my heart

Name-calling, finger-pointing, blame and shame, put-downs and blatant disrespect.

Good grief, guys!

Give it a rest, will ya’?

People are hurting

People are dying here, for Pete's sake!

People are grieving

Let’s find ways to help rather than add to the hurt.

On the other hand, so many people ARE doing things to help.

Things to make people smile.

Finding ways to help people.

So, so many helpers

And really so many ways to help.

Beauty, compassion, kindness, concern

RESPECT

Humor…  gentle humor

Sensitivity

I must choose where I look today.

I can and must choose my focus.

2020: seeing more clearly

I don’t do resolutions.

I do have hopes and dreams.

Evidently some people still make resolutions, but most do not fulfill them.  

Lately I've seen the idea of choosing a word or a phrase for the coming year and have tried it a couple times.  It seems to be about noticing what is stirring in me and what I sense to be important.  

And here it is 2020 - a time to see more clearly. 

At least three things come to mind:

• Vision
• Focus
• Perspective

VISION speaks to me of the big picture.

FOCUS reminds me to choose one thing to zoom in on.

PERSPECTIVE implies that my vantage point is not the only one that matters.

I do think about my long-term vision. 

I ask myself questions from time to time.

• What is my vision for the rest of my life?
• My hope and dreams?
• My direction?
• Where do I want to be at the end of this year?
• This decade?
• What do I want to do?
• Who do I want to be?

Then I need to focus.

To narrow my focus.

To zoom in on one aspect or a few specific smaller things rather than ALL the things.

I need to choose one task at a time.

But I also need perspective...  
I want to remember that each person around me probably has a different perspective than I do - and that I would be wise to listen to them and to learn from them.  Pausing to see any situation through someone else’s eyes helps me to understand things that I never could otherwise. 

So how am I doing?

• I want to keep looking at the big picture and clarifying my vision.
• I remind myself that perspective is dependent on vantage point.
• But I most need to learn to focus.  My head is always full of so many things and I need to zoom in on one at a time.

I hope that 2020 is a time for me to see more clearly.

Vision... the big picture 

Get a better perspective

Focus on one detail

I can choose my focus

Sad, discouraged, maybe even scared

What is happening?

Harsh words… 

Mean words 

Disrespect 

Friends sounding like enemies

Brings me down

Gotta’ find a different focus

...

Enter Maya Angelou.

I’ve had so many rainbows in my clouds.

I had a lot of clouds… 

but I have had so many rainbows.

When I step up on stage…

… or teach a class

… or produce a movie...

I bring everyone who has ever been kind to me with me…

I say “Come with me…  I need ya’ ”

So I don’t ever feel that I have no help.

…

And the thing to do…  

... is to prepare yourself so that you can be a rainbow…

Be a blessing to somebody.

That’s what I think.

…

Thank you, dear lady, for a fresh focus.

the practice of the better

The best criticism of the bad

is the practice of the better.

Just go ahead and do it better.

If you really believe in the values

you say you believe in,

then put them into practice.

- Fr. Richard Rohr

Our life is frittered away by detail.

Simplicity,

simplicity,

simplicity!

-- Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Two natures

Two natures beat within my breast

The one is foul, the other blest

The one I love, the one I hate

The one I feed will dominate

- Author Unknown

November

The NaNo project is being wrapped up and filed away for safe keeping until after the holidays.

Hubby's photo art is being packed away to await another show.
The outdoor work has been completed for this year.
Our bikes have been loaded into the trailer for winter storage.

November draws to a close.

NaNoWriMo is done.  

The art show is done. 

And it would seem that bike-riding is finally done.

November is done for another year.

...

So how did it go?

Was it a good one?

Successful?

...

NaNo was a success again this year in that I wrote 55 thousand words of new material.  

Is it a jumble?  For sure.

Is it usable?  I think so. I hope so.  I feel pretty good about this year’s project and rather hopeful about its potential. In fact, I have even noticed a sense of urgency and timeliness in getting it ready to publish in some form as soon as possible. 

The art show was a success in many ways.  

It was fun.

It was well-received by the cafe crowd.

And it was profitable in terms of sales.

An all-around success.

             Thank you, Good Beans Cafe.

And bike-riding...?

Well, we never expected that we'd be able to ride in November so every excursion was bonus.

So November is done.

Our focus shifts...

To the Christmas season and to the winter beyond.

There is much anticipation for both.  

New adventures await.

Farewell, sweet November.

You’ve been good to us.

You have created a whole new bunch of memories for us.

You have even surprised us with some bike riding weather.

You have introduced us to new friends and invited us to new discoveries. 

We are grateful.

Amazing Day #30: Awesome

I keep thinking of that word.
Awesome.

During this month of amazing days...
Of watching for the amazing...
The word "awesome" often comes to mind.
That which inspires awe.
Or expresses awe.

Some think we over-use this word.

That we use it flippantly.

I suppose that could be true, but it’s a good word.

An important word.

There are lots of things in this life that inspire awe.

That evoke appreciation and gratitude.

That cause us to stop and notice.

I do not take this thing or this word lightly, but I do wish to notice the awesome.

I choose to watch for it.  

Sometimes even to search for it.

I think it is a worthwhile quest.
…

There is also much in this life that is not good or great.

There is much that is wrong.

Oppression and injustice are rampant.

It is easy for me to focus on the bad or the downright awful.

Yes, I’ve written about that before because the struggle is real.

Pessimism comes quite naturally for me.  Perhaps for most of us.

Worry, frustration, fear, and even panic can settle over us too quickly.

...

So which will I look for?

As much as I can manage to do so, I will think on the good things.

The things that are noble and true and right.

The pure.

The lovely.

The admirable.

The excellent and praiseworthy.

I will think on such things.

Amazing Day #22: Positivity - Part Two

Sometimes I "worry" about the things I post.

I worry that they may seem braggy. 

I worry that I might be making my life sound way more exciting than it is... 

But then isn't that what we all do on social media?!?

We're supposed to do that; right?

But I do want to be honest.

I do want to give an accurate picture.

After all, not everything is fine and dandy.

It's not all beauty and wonder.

I don't want to be always gushing about how AMAZING everything is.

There is loss.

There is sadness.

There is fear.

There is yuckiness.

There is hard stuff.  

All kinds of hard stuff.

I guess I could write about those.

But wait; I DO write about those some of the time.

I do my share of grumping and moaning and groaning.

And downright complaining.

I don't think I'm in denial - at least not most of the time.

I do take time to mourn my losses. 

I want to grieve with those who grieve.

I want to give others time to mourn their losses. 

I don't expect others to be happy all the time.

 

Yes, I will face the not-fun stuff and deal with it when I need to.

And yes, I will write about that stuff.

However I don't want them to be my focus.

...

Here's the thing.

It is easy for me to be negative.

To get stressed out.

To feel overwhelmed.

To be frightened.

To panic about worst case scenarios.

Yep, worrying comes quite naturally for me.

Irritability and grumpiness often seem to be my default settings.

It takes effort and intentionality for me to focus on the good stuff.

The first step in that process is to find it.  

To look for it.

To notice it.

Then I guess the second step is to celebrate it.

To appreciate it.

I discovered that I need to practice.

To start searching and noticing and celebrating.

One year I decided to celebrate Thanks-giving EVERY DAY during November rather than just on one day.  I decided to look for one thing that I was thankful for every day that month.  And then one year I decided to continue my Thanks-giving by setting aside every Thursday as a day to be thankful - for something.  

Then there was the year that I accepted the 31 Amazing Days challenge - seeing if I could find something amazing every day during the month of October and to write about it.  Or maybe I could make something amazing happen!  And here I am doing that challenge again this year.

These are things I choose to do in order to build a habit of gratitude.  

To be more positive.

To focus on the good stuff more than the bad - or at least more often than if I didn't try.

To lift my eyes from the bad news and look for good news.

...

In summary...
Some people are naturally positive.
Some work at being positive. 
Then again some people are naturally positive, but they also work at being positive.

Yes, positivity and negativity are often personality traits.  

But...  

I believe that there is something we can do about our natural tendencies.  

I think that we can build good habits.  

I think that we can practice noticing good stuff.  

I think that we can choose our focus - at least more often than we might realize

Will it be easy?  

Will we always succeed?  

Nope.  But we can keep practicing.

Keep searching for the good stuff.

Start noticing and celebrating.

...

Cultivate gratitude.

That's what I want to do.

That makes sense to this farm girl.

The choice

I often have a choice about what to do with my next few minutes. 

I could stare at a screen and play a game or surf the web.

Or I could stop and think of other options that might be a lot more valuable. I might even be able to pick myself up out of the chair and actually DO something...

I just read something by Ed Cyzewski on this topic.

Could it be that he struggles with that same choice?

Here's what he says:

...

The other day I had a few moments to myself at home, and I had a choice...

A question came to mind: 

"What will help me become my true self?"

I don’t know where it came from, but it helped me move beyond the simple pursuit of pleasure or comfort. It guided me past the quick fix mentality that drives social media use.

I put the iPad down….

Instead, I read from Thomas Merton’s Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander (my second time through), and Merton guided me toward a faith that seeks to know the living God rather than believing out of duty or being good. In the space of a page Merton grounded me in what a daily spirituality can look like."

I’m all in favor of leisure and hobbies, but I’m also aware that each day I face a choice between immersing myself in distractions or cultivating my true self. 

We have these small but ultimately significant decisions each day. It’s funny to write about them in retrospect, but in the moment, we all know that choosing the healthier, soul-restoring activity requires more will power than we want to admit.

...

According to Ed Cyzewski, I can...

- immerse myself in distractions or

- cultivate my true self.  

Which will I choose?

What will help me become my true self?