If all else fails, take a walk!

 

I was crabby

Grumpy

Nagging my dear man

Crying

Asking his forgiveness - which he kindly gives.

Sadness

Fear 

Meanness 

So many people hurting

Scared

Downright terrified

So much bad news

Gotta’ look for the good things

Thank goodness, there are also many of them

Good times with wonderful people

Wisdom

Insight

Perspective

Learning from each other

I want to be kind and forgiving

Patient and understanding

I want to forgive others

I want to forgive myself

I want to shed my grumpiness

Maybe go for a walk

So I did.

It worked!

King Friday XIII

Once upon a time there was a wonderful neighborhood ruled by King Friday XIII.  I had known of the neighborhood before because of Mister Rogers, but had never spent much time there until recently.  In the last few months I have been so impressed by Mister Rogers and wanted to know more about him.  

Just this week I was introduced to King Friday XIII having only heard of him.  Turns out that he is “the imperious monarch of the neighborhood."  According to Wikipedia, "he is relatively egocentric, irrational, resistant to change, and temperamental, although open-minded enough to listen when told he is wrong. He has a fondness for giving long-winded speeches and using big words.”

Yikes!  He feels really familiar to me - maybe because I am a little like him…  

• Relatively egocentric, huh?  ...Yep, but then aren’t we all?
• Irrational?  ...Okay, sometimes guilty.
• Resistant to change?  Oh, dear; that could be me.
• Giving long-winded speeches and using big words?  ...Seriously?!?  Yah; don’t ask my family about that one!

I certainly did not expect to discover how much I am like King Friday. To the contrary, here I have been really hoping to emulate the mild-mannered Mister Rogers.  I am convinced that the world would be a better place if more of us would learn to be more like him.  Because you see, there are lots of us who are egocentric, irrational, resistant to change, temperamental, and yes, even imperious*.

The most obvious trait I want to learn is that of kindness.  Mister Rogers used to say… “There are three ways to ultimate success: The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind.”

Yah, sounds redundant and maybe even silly; right?  

But it gives me pause.  

That’s the way I want to live my life.

That’s who I want to be - someone who treats all people with kindness.

So how do I do that?

Perhaps by following yet another of his examples - that of listening.  Really listening.  Listening to learn how it feels to be in the other person’s shoes. That kind of deep listening requires me to become comfortable with silence. To give myself time to think before reacting.

Oof!!! I admit that I am not good at that one! Silence can feel awkward, as if it needs to be filled. But Mister Rogers believed that “Silence is one of the greatest gifts we have.” 

Oh, dear. Here I’ve been saying all week that I want to be like Mister Rogers and then I find out that I might be more like King Friday! How will I ever upgrade to those more admirable traits?

But wait; there was one other trait that I might share with King Friday…  One that I’m kind of happy about.  I did notice that he is “open-minded enough to listen when told he is wrong.”

Good for him!!!

And good for me when I can do that.

Because that’s how I can become better. If I can be open-minded enough to listen, then maybe I can be kinder and more understanding…

But then...  even while I’m trying to be better...

What’s that I hear off in the distance... ?

“You are special and I like you just the way you are.”

Thanks, Mister Rogers!

I’m learning to like me just the way I am, too.

And that’s another really good step toward liking other people just the way they are.

...

* Vocab words for you to look up...

A wise monk on dealing with crap

Sometimes I get so upset about injustice or corruption or lack of enforcement... that I catch myself sputtering about what should be done.  Or I get so mired in the hopelessness… I wonder if we will EVER be able to fix our political system… or whatever it is that makes life feel so unfair… 

But then someone reminds me to focus on what I CAN do instead of what I can’t.  Like my friend, an Episcopalian monk, who  recently admitted his own brand of sputtering... but he didn’t stay stuck there. Instead he chose to do something about it. But I’ll let him describe his scenario...

Dealing with life’s crap. Literally.

My commute to work consists of two bus rides, the first of which is 1.5 miles long. So, on nice days (and if I get up earlier), I walk it. It’s a really nice way to begin the day and, at my age, if I can walk a mile-and-a-half, I should do it while I can. 

The thing is, lots of folks in my neighborhood have dogs and inevitably, there will be those who don’t pick up after their pooches. I think that’s just about the most inconsiderate thing someone could do. I’ve stepped in it at night and tracked in on my carpet before. I think about frail, elderly folks who may be using walkers or wheel chairs and how distressing it would be for them to smoosh through it. 

For the longest time, I’ve inwardly raged at these pet owners. I’ve envisioned myself seeing someone not picking it up and cursing them out, or worse, throwing it at them. I’ve imagined myself as mayor and implementing a $10,000 fine or confiscation of their dog for not picking it up. Or making it illegal to own a dog in Chicago altogether. I’ve carried a LOT of resentment.

I’ve found a solution, though. Now, on my morning walks I carry a plastic bag. When I see the offending dog doot (and I DO), I simply pick it up and toss it in the grass or a trash can if it’s nearby. Then, I say a prayer for the dog owner, that they may be blessed and enjoy their dog. Sometimes, I do this up to three times during my walk. 

Maybe I’ve prevented someone from stepping in it. Maybe it was someone with a walker or wheel chair. Whatever the case, I’m no longer filled with resentment, but rather with peace. It sure makes a difference in MY well-being. 

And maybe, just maybe, I’ve made up for some of the crap I’ve left in this world. Lord knows I have.

…

Thank you, my friend.  I am so inspired by this. What a great example of taking power over our attitude and even of the annoyance - when possible!

I’m pleased to report that some of that kind of turn-around has begun to take place in our neighborhood.  We are getting together and brainstorming about what we CAN do - rather than sputtering about how unfair it is that somebody isn’t doing their job.

Adventure awaits

Today’s the day, but we know not the hour and so we sit and wait.

We need to be ready to step out the door at a moment's notice. 
And so we are.  
Ready. 
Waiting.

Certainly there are more things that we could be doing.  Lots more things.

But we don’t want to start something that we can’t leave in the middle.

And so we pick projects that will take only five minutes or things that we CAN leave unfinished.

So I guess we are not really sitting and waiting.  

We sit and wait until we think of one more thing we could do in a short time.

We do that one thing and probably another.

In the meantime, we find still another.

And then we sit and wait again - and get so excited that we can hardly stand it.

But then we figure out one more detail that we could care for.

One more project.

One more loose end that we can tie up.

And another…

And then we wait again.

Adventure awaits and so we wait.

Hunger

Hunger is often considered a negative thing.

It indicates a lack. 

A lack of something vitally important. 

Maybe even a severe lack.

Hunger is so often associated with poverty and injustice.

Because in many cases hunger really is a terrible thing, we correctly desire to eradicate it.

While writing the piece about waiting for hunger, I did a search for pictures for the word “hunger” and was inundated by powerful images of the face of world hunger. Looking at those sad and horrific scenes moves me to compassion and a desire to wipe out hunger and poverty. It is a dreadful thing, so we are right to want to remove it from the world.

…

But... an interesting thing can happen. 

Because real, desperate hunger is such a negative thing, I guess it kind of makes sense that we would try to avoid hunger in our own lives. As Americans, we have done a pretty good job of it. We don’t like to be hungry. It feels like deprivation. We do whatever we can to make sure that we don’t go hungry.

Consequently we rarely if ever even experience real hunger. Or if we do begin to feel hunger pangs, we rush to eat something so we won’t feel hungry.

But what if hunger is not always a bad thing? 

What if I didn’t think of it as unpleasant? 

I have much to learn about hunger and satiety and appetite. I’ve only taken baby steps so far. But I have learned to notice the sensation of hunger and to realize that it is not necessarily a bad thing.

Instead, in my case, it can actually be a reminder of my blessings. I DO have access to food. Enough food to quiet the rumblings of my stomach, and also enough food to keep me alive and healthy. That is not something that I want to take for granted. 

…

It has been awhile since I let myself experience the discomfort of feeling hungry. But I remember and have decided it's time. For a few days now, I have remembered to wait for hunger. I am actually glad to be back here. I am reminding myself of the positive aspects of the sensation.

In fact, sometimes I just want to celebrate that growling - because it means that my body finally has a chance to burn up some of those hundreds of calories that I’ve crammed into it over the past couple days. What a novel idea!

I guess it can be a gift that I choose to give myself. A much better gift to my body than overloading it with so much more than it needs and can handle.

And besides... 

Food tastes so much better

when I am actually hungry!!!

Wait for it

When it comes to weight management, one of the sanest concepts I’ve ever learned is to pay attention to my body. The most important cue to watch for is whether I’m hungry or not. Duh. 

If I’m hungry, then I can eat. 

If I’m not hungry, it’s not time for me to eat. 

The second concept is a natural partner to the first: 

Eat only until satisfied. 

Not until full or stuffed. 

Just until satisfied.

I came to realize that this is how “normal” people eat - "normal" meaning naturally thin people. It doesn’t matter how yummy something looks, if they’re not hungry, they don’t eat. And they know to stop eating when they are no longer hungry.

But this common sense approach and this sensitivity has been buried in many of us - for a huge variety of reasons.  I had dozens of personal reasons for eating - maybe I was feeling stressed, bored, lonely, anxious or nervous or maybe I just didn't want to miss out on anything… I had to train myself to hear that soft voice that could inform me whether I was really hungry or not. It was tricky, but I eventually learned to recognize the truth. Unfortunately, it is terribly easy to slip back into the mode of NOT listening for that voice. How quickly I can revert to eating for any or all of those other reasons.

I have been listening to the wrong reasons for awhile now so it’s time to find ways to tune in again to whether I am really hungry. Maybe I can remind myself of some of my own stories of how it works.

I remember this one time when I met a friend for lunch. We were both in a group studying this concept* and were trying to encourage each other in our food choices. I remember thinking and commenting that this was more food than I needed and that I would only need about half of it - AND that it would be a good idea to get a take-out box sooner than later. I also remember a bit of our conversation after having eaten nearly half of our food. 

“It might be time for me to stop eating.”

“I don’t need any more than this, although I’d love to eat the rest of it.”

“I don’t know; I’m not full yet.”

“But wait a minute; I’m not hungry anymore, am I?”

...

So there's my reminder for today. For this week:

Wait for hunger.

Eat only until no longer hungry.

…

* The book we were studying is Weigh Down by Gwen Shamblin.

STILL not done!

I woke up feeling pretty overwhelmed again - about all my stuff! I still feel buried under it. That's kinda' sad - since I was hoping to be free by now. I guess I feel powerless about my lack of ability to let go of more stuff. There is so much I could/should have gotten rid of by now, and I feel embarrassed and discouraged about it.

We went back to the farm again yesterday to deal with the leftovers in that one shed. Bitter cold out there. Too cold to work outside or in the shed or the RV. I just couldn't seem to concentrate or focus or make any decisions about what should go where. However hubby insisted that we made good progress. At this point, I want more than progress; I want to be DONE!!!

We did load a bunch of stuff in the truck and we did make numerous stops. Dropped another pile off at the thrift store and more at the storage unit and brought the rest down here.

Funny thing! The guy at the thrift store saw us pull up with our load of stuff and immediately started clearing space for it. I quickly explained that it was not all coming there.

Another memorable moment at the storage unit - when we searched for a metal folding chair that my mom had requested... I was able to spot it in the flashlight beam - about halfway back. We moved 2 or 3 things out of the way so that hubby could squish through what was left of our center aisle until he was able to barely reach it. Finding the oomph to lift it up out of the tightly-packed 3-D puzzle at that wacky angle and that distance and then hoisting it over everything between it and us seemed doubtful, but he did it!!! His mother-in-law has no idea what he went through to rescue that chair for her!!!

And then back to our new home with the rest of the load. That's when the shame sets in again. I don't want hubby or anybody else to have to haul around all of my boxes of things that I SHOULD have gotten rid of. And I don't like taking up so much space in this room in our daughter's house. I feel really impatient with myself for hanging on to so much stuff!!!

All kinds of feelings of failure and worthlessness threaten to pull me down. I feel silly. I feel discouraged. I feel sad. And I feel overwhelmed and powerless.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

But I'm not. I am not powerless.
I am not a failure.
I can still choose to tell myself the truth.
I HAVE made progress. HUGE progress.
I can recognize that I am physically (and mentally and emotionally) exhausted and probably fighting some kind of respiratory bug which saps my energy - what's left of it.
I can choose to be kind to myself.

And when I start in on today's project of trying to whip this last load of stuff into some semblance of order, I can remind myself to focus on just one box at a time. Piece by piece.

AND I don't have to fear what others think of me.

AND that I can only do what I can do.

Happy birthday, tranquil mama

How can this young woman be mine? How could I have raised someone who would surpass me in so many ways? When you were little, I was proud of all the ways you were like me - and I still am. But somewhere in those early years you also began to develop characteristics that often elude me. Things like grace and kindness and respect toward other people. I guess you got those from your dad. Things that I have begun to learn from you. Like patience and diligence. And then there's your servant heart. And your calm demeanor and ability to bring peace to situations that are not naturally peaceful. I often remind myself of your words "Tranquila, Mama." I find myself grateful that you found a calm and gentle way to say it without using that other phrase - "Geez, Mom; take a chill pill!" - that lots of kids tell their moms. When I remember your tranquil reminder, I consciously take a deep breath and begin to ask myself what is causing me to feel stress and what I can do about it. I think that I am learning to be gentler and kinder and more patient with myself - and hopefully with others as well.

 

What fun to celebrate you by hanging with your kids. Watching them and listening to them makes me appreciate you even more. In particular, I love it when your daughter points out things in nature before I can even spot them - whether a tiny white butterfly or a barely perceptible dragonfly or the beautiful clouds today or the bright colored leaves on the ground or the tree with barely any leaves left on it. It always surprises me to hear explanations about the beauty of nature coming from your tiny three-year old. I can just imagine you taking the time to explain to her how to notice and count the gossamer wings or which bees "won't hurt you" while you also teach healthy habits by explaining that some things can make you sick and how to prevent that. Once again I learn from you and her - yes, even to shore up my own healthy habits and especially to refresh my sense of wonder.

But it is not just your kids that make you look good. Your hubby's references to you in his sermons... High praise indeed. He says he didn't know the word "nag" because you never do it! Whoa! I sure can't take credit for that one! But I can celebrate it and learn from it.

Actually there are several things that you DON'T do that most people do. Things like having to express your opinion on everything that comes into view. Things like venting your frustration in inappropriate places or ways. Things like putting people down. Things like judging those who are different from you. I can learn much from your example - by observing the things you don't do.

Yep, I celebrate you today. I am so glad that you were born and that it has been my privilege to be your momma. Happy birthday, dear girl.

I can only do what I can do

Sometimes I notice that I am disappointed with myself.  This is one of those times - when I really wish that I had been able to keep up a better pace of blogging.  But I just haven't been able to do all that I wanted to.  I am pleased that I have kept a fairly consistent writing routine - even cranking out 60,000 words in November for the NaNoWriMo challenge!!!  However not many of those words are ready to publish.  I can and will choose to accept the reality and be patient with myself. 

I am really good at making excuses and it is sometimes hard to know whether that's what I'm doing or if this really is an unusually busy time.  Yep, it is.  It's not simply that I feel busy nor that I use that feeling to excuse my neglect of important stuff.  Nope, this time I am smack dab in the middle of an important life transition and am scrambling to keep up - so some things simply must take a back seat for another couple weeks. 

So what in the world is so all-fired important?  Only that we are wrapping up 40+ years of living here on this farm and stepping into a future of adventure and uncertainty.  We are taking another huge step of downsizing and my focus must be on sorting and pitching and storing and packing.  We had thought we had a month or two for this step, but things have fallen into place sooner than expected - so we suddenly have only a couple weeks to get everything done.  Yikes.

Gotta' find a balance.  On one hand, I simply must push myself to my limits in order to meet the deadlines in this race against time.  On the other hand, I choose to carve out special moments to slow down and cherish the joy of this wonderful season. 

...

When I can't make my fingers function in the near-zero temps of the storage sheds, I certainly wish I had done things differently - namely SOONER!!!  But it is what it is.  We will do what we have to do and what we can do.  That's the big thing I'm learning:  I can only do what I can do.  Oh, so profound.  Sometimes that means that I have to put a box BACK into storage that I had hoped to finish; that can make me feel defeated and discouraged.  But I can only do what I can do.

So instead of beating myself up for not posting here more often, I can be okay with my choices and know that I am doing what I can do.

Stupid Sappy Sticky Stuff!!!

I just got all sticky! Again. I hate getting stuck!  It happens far too often.  You'd think I'd learn.

Nope, I'm not talking about getting bogged down with something. Instead I'm talking about getting all sticky and then getting stuck on everything else. There are lots of sticky things in life - pancake syrup, dried soda pop or Kool-aid, forgotten drips of ice cream, and the moms among us can think of a whole lot more - but maybe none so nasty sticky as tree sap, also known as pitch. Stupid sticky stuff!  Yuck!!! I really do hate the stuff. At our new place my lawn chairs keep getting attacked by sap dripping from the trees above - setting the stage for mega-doses of frustration. You'd think I'd learn to protect them - and I do try, but not always successfully.

Sure enough, the silent enemy sat lurking on the arm of my chair today, lying in wait for the next unsuspecting victim - who happened to be me. Once I discovered the damage, it was too late - even though it was only the beginning! I now had sap on my elbow - so since we live on a Christmas tree farm I headed for the bottle of pitch remover.  I scrubbed and scrubbed until I thought that I got rid of it and then re-scrubbed with soap and water to wash off the pitch remover. Alas! To my dismay I discovered sometime later that I had NOT indeed gotten rid of it all, but that there were still a couple spots that had now been generously transferred to the corner of my desk as I typed.

Go for the pitch remover.  AGAIN. Think we have it all off this time. Clean off the corner of the desk as well. Put everything away. Back to work. Oops! Still sticky corner and sticky elbow - although unsure this time which is villain and which is victim. Which is the stick-er and which is the stick-ee. Grrrr...

What in the world?!?!? Evidently, something is inferior and ineffective about my method of cleaning - even though I have gone back to the bottle numerous repeated times and although I have gotten more aggressive with each repeat. What am I to do? One side of the napkin that I grabbed to try to run interference is now sticking to the desk, the other side sticking to my elbow. In the meantime, my shirt has picked up a piece of the action as well (of course!) so now I also have to figure out how to handle such matters on a laundry level.

How frustrating! Makes me want to stomp my feet and scream about how much I hate sap. Yah, I'm pretty sure that would help me feel so much better and would instantly solve everything.

...

Then I start thinking about other messes and other times that I get annoyed or stuck. I get into a sticky situation which then messes up everything else that I try to do. Over-commitments, unrealistic and unmet expectations, not getting my own way, not getting enough sleep, too much clutter, too little patience, my tendency to control things and fix people, my need to be right, frustration and irritability spilling out in harsh words... all of these can land me in sappy messes. The harder I try to clean it up and move on, the more places my mess seems to show up.

Why do I let myself get into such sticky spots? And how do I extricate myself without causing further unnecessary damage.

Often the trigger is something beyond my control but there are times when I could have avoided the whole mess if I had paid more careful attention before sitting myself down. Healthy boundaries, regular de-cluttering and other wise practices can be good preventive measures, but must be regularly monitored and repaired when necessary because boundaries will be busted, clutter builds up again, and selfishness surfaces quickly.

As for a solution once I have gotten into the sticky mess, well, I'm afraid I still don't know of any pitch remover that really works magic. Sometimes I have to work hard to scrub away the mess, but I am really sad to say that sometimes I guess I need to just let that sticky sap wear off - even though it will take time and I do not like that feeling. When that lesson is applied to my other messes, it is really hard for a fixer like me to just "let it go" and let things work themselves out but sometimes I have to. 

...

Sure enough; that's what I've been learning lately - that I can't always fix things.  Drats!  That sometimes I just have to accept what is.  Phooey.  That's not comfortable; not comfortable at all.

To my man

How can I ever thank you?

I am aware of an amazing joy and sense of gratitude during these days - when I could well have been more focused on grieving - as we pack away a lifetime of memories and get ready to walk away from our beloved home with all of its customized comforts and conveniences.

I had tried to prepare myself for the gamut of emotions - from excitement to grief and fear and stress - but have been pleasantly surprised to have joy and excitement winning out most of the time.




You have been amazing in this process - doing more than your share of the work, but especially being patient with me.  

You have been so unexpectedly good at knowing when to push me and when to give me space - which has provided a safe place for me to do all of this processing. I am so very grateful for your provision, protection and patience.

An awkward silence

It was an innocent question, a simple question, asking about the welfare of a mutual friend. However… the friend in question had died 12 years ago. The person to whom the question had been asked didn’t say anything for a really long time. At least to me it seemed like a really long time. He was likely taking some moments to consider the kindest way to phrase the answer – one that would minimize the embarrassment of the questioner. I found myself wanting to jump in with a quicker answer, but am thankful that I refrained – because it wasn’t my question to answer, but also because it provided an important lesson for me.

In hindsight, I remember standing there thinking, “Why doesn’t he say something?” Even later I marveled at his deliberation and then it occurred to me that this man often does that… often takes some moments to collect his thoughts before giving an answer. Whoa. Think before you speak. What a novel idea.

Then it dawned on me that I had witnessed an illustration of two kinds of conversational response. My internal reaction was immediate, almost impatient, feeling that somebody needed to get the answer out there a.s.a.p. On the other hand, the response that was eventually given seemed to emerge instead from a philosophy that valued taking the time to give a measured response. Duh. “Slow to listen, slow to speak…” Yah, I’ve heard that somewhere before. And no, I’ve never been very good at it. Could it be that I am uncomfortable with silence in some social settings? Do I feel compelled to fill it in before it can become too awkward?

In this case I think I would have given a fine answer. I am sensitive enough to have been kind and gracious, but I would have tried to do it quickly. This was just an ordinary conversation between old friends – so maybe it didn’t really matter – but in a more volatile situation the speed of the answer might have made a big difference.

So, let this be a lesson to me. How many times have I wished that I had stopped to think before speaking? What will it take to help me change? Maybe one step would be to recognize that a moment of silence is not a terrible thing and that it is not always my job to fill it with words. Maybe I could learn that. Just maybe.