Why do I drag my feet… ?

When I’ve worked so hard to get to this point, why do I now slow down the process?

I just published another book… but now I don’t seem to be in a hurry to promote it.  My husband can’t figure out why.  Actually he keeps trying to promote it for me, and I keep asking him to wait a little.

I understand his confusion.  I mean, I have been working on this book for a long time and have pushed really hard for months to get to the moment of publication.  

One factor is that there is always one more little change that needs to be made.  I start to wish that I would have done another proof copy or three - to make sure ALL the kinks are worked out and every typo is fixed.  Of course, we all know that it will never be quite good enough.  I’ve already done a revision.  So now of course I feel badly that anyone got the first edition that wasn’t perfect…  Ugh.

That part of it certainly makes sense to me.  But there’s one other thing that kinda’ caught me off-guard.  Writing this book has involved mining deep within my being. It has been an extremely valuable journey, but now leaves me feeling a little vulnerable.  I’ve let a few people in on the process one as I was ready.  But now that it is published…  It’s out there!  Publication is so dang public.

So…. Maybe the only way I know to protect myself a teeny bit is to ease in gradually.  To tell this person about it - and maybe that one.  Then maybe this small group….  I suppose that seems silly to some - and it may be.  Maybe it would make more sense to just jump in and get it over with.  

So what is my book about?

Thanks for asking.  It chronicles my spiritual journey by referencing several of the books and authors that influenced me through those years.

What if I'm wrong?

For a long time I’ve been thinking about that question:  What if I’m wrong?  I try to ponder that possibility now and then because I think it is so important and it requires a little humility.

When I’m feeling a little cocky and wondering why other people can’t understand…

Seems like a good time to ask that question.

When I notice that I’m angry about some injustice…

That might be a good time to pause and ask again.

When I hear friends spewing some ridiculous dogma…

Okay; I admit I really want to ask THEM that question: What if you’re wrong?

But maybe it’s not my place to ask them or maybe it’s not the right time.

Then again, maybe it is.

In the meantime I will continue to ask myself: What if I’m wrong?

Asking myself questions

and 

Remembering Rachel Held Evans

June 8, 1981 to May 4, 2019

Rachel Held Evans was one of the first bloggers I ever read. Her words gave me hope in really difficult weeks and months.  Rachel dared to ask that question:   What if I’m wrong?  In fact that might be where I picked it up.

What a delight to watch and listen and read as Rachel wrote more and more stuff. 

I began to think of her as a little sister, but with big-sister wisdom, helping me figure out things that life threw at me. It was like I was growing along with her - or maybe a little behind her.

When I found ourselves suddenly outside the walls of religion and trying to figure out what I really believed, it was obvious that lots of things were man-made and less than noble.  With other things, it took a little longer to sort out those that were really true and worth clinging to. Rachel’s words and generous wisdom were invaluable during that process. 

Then suddenly, on this date three years ago, at age 37, she was gone.

...

Rachel's dear friend and fellow writer, Sarah Bessey, posted some great words and memories today and a wonderful photo.  Here are a few of her lines about Rachel:

Who kept the faith,

Who needed the Church enough to speak truth,

…

Who gave permission to a generation,

Who made origami out of hate mail,

…

Who was wickedly smart and hilarious,

Who always chose integrity and courage over making a profit or being palatable to the gatekeepers,

…

Who pulled up more chairs to the Table and scooted over to make room,

Who made us laugh and made us think,

Who was bold and courageous and kind,

Who would not be budged from her conviction that this Gospel is Good News for everyone,

Who moved to the margins because she knew this is the centre of God’s Story…

I am so grateful to have found Rachel’s words when I may have needed them most… and to continue to learn from them even while grieving over her being gone too soon.

I hope to follow her example to chose integrity and courage, to speak truth, to pull up more chairs at the Table, and scoot over to make room.

And may I always be willing to ask myself that question:  What if I’m wrong?

A good prayer

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can 

and the wisdom to know the difference.

…

Serenity

I like serenity.  I want to have it.

But accept those things?  

The really bad things?  

Ack!  I don’t want to accept them.

However if there is nothing I can do to change them, what choice do I really have?

Besides maybe I ought to save my energy for something more important.

Like to change the things I CAN.

Because yes, that takes courage.  

And work.

And discipline and diligence.

And follow-through.

And yes, energy.

But how do I know which things I can change?

That’s the tricky part.

That’s where the wisdom comes it.

It takes wisdom. 

It takes lots of things.  

It takes learning and practice.

It takes being teachable.

Being willing to admit I might be wrong.

It takes humility.

It might take asking for help.

It might take working my butt off only to see nothing change.

It might take trial and error.

It might take coming up with a good strategy, but not getting any credit for it.

…

I guess maybe it works better for me to invert this thing.

Turn it upside-down.

Start with the wisdom.

Figure out which things I might be able to change and which things I can’t.

Next I can pour my energy into the ones where I can make a difference.

And THEN maybe I can be okay to accept the things I cannot change.  

Or at least I’ll be ready for a nap by then!

…

I really like what Melissa Camara Wilkins says about this acceptance thing.  She speaks of giving ourselves space to own the frustration and awful emotions that come with not being able to change things. Her words help me with this serenity thing.

…

So here's to serenity and courage and wisdom.

I could afford to learn more about how to practice all three.

Because obviously I can’t fix the problems of the world.  Duh.

But I can sure enough find a bunch of ways to make the world a better place.

Amazing Day #23: Positivity - Part Three

While typing yesterday’s post, I was also thinking of another friend who is in the middle of one of those hard times.  Right now.  This very minute.

Scary. Sad.  Painful. Overwhelming. Frightening. I was hoping that my words would not make her feel worse. I certainly did not intend to imply that we must project a cheery image at such times. 

You see, she also works at being positive - even in the midst of hard stuff.  Bad stuff.  I’ve seen her in hard times before.  Really painful stuff.  Heart-breaking stuff.  And I’ve watched her look for good stuff in the midst of the bad news.  I’ve seen her grasp on to whatever she could find.  I’ve seen her choose to appreciate even the tiniest tidbit of positivity.  

AND I’ve watched her come through on the other side of some of those times with grace and compassion - and a passion to help other people. 

I think that’s pretty amazing.

...

I realize that other readers may also be in the middle of crisis or pain or loss.  It could be that yesterday’s “sermon” from me may have felt heavy to you because of your current vulnerability. 

May I just remind you of something?  

That sermon may not be for you.  

Don’t take it on; okay?

Don't try to be all perky and positive.

Maybe instead you need to be patient with yourself and just soak up whatever love and encouragement that you can find today.  

Maybe it’s your turn to be on the receiving end of someone else’s positivity.

May it come your way!

May you be blessed with at least a little bit of peace and calm and comfort as you sort through your next steps.

Otherwise

I got out of bed on two strong legs.

It might have been otherwise. 

I ate cereal, sweet milk, ripe, flawless peach. 

It might have been otherwise.

I took the dog uphill to the birch wood.

All morning I did the work I love.
At noon I lay down with my mate. 

It might have been otherwise.

We ate dinner together at a table with silver candlesticks. 

It might have been otherwise.

I slept in a bed in a room with paintings on the walls,

and planned another day just like this day.

But one day, I know, it will be otherwise.

- Jane Kenyon

So lucky. So jealous.

"You're so lucky"

"I'm so jealous"

...

You've heard it.

You know the story.

Person makes difficult decisions and works hard for long period of time to achieve a goal.

Person's friend responds: You're so lucky! I wish I could do that!

You've been that person. Or maybe you've been the friend.

I've been both.  The person who said it and the person to whom it was said.

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

In this space, I've wondered about how in the world we got here from where we were. 

I've marveled about how we are sometimes given things for which we can take no credit.

I've recounted our experience of coming to the place of deciding we wanted to get un-stuck.

Most recently I've been trying to figure out to relate my realization that sometimes we can make our own luck.

I put words on a page and then I rearrange them and set them aside for another day. In the meantime, someone else says some of what I was trying to say. Actually that happens quite often; I get an idea to write about something and I mull it over for days or weeks and try to figure out how to say it - and then someone comes along and says it so well.

I don't mind so much this time because it was my daughter in her latest blog post. In one paragraph she clarifies some of what I've been trying to articulate on this topic:

"We are jealous of others for what they have, what they own, what they do, who they have, and how they excel.  We tell ourselves they are simply lucky and “I just don’t get to have that, own that, do that, be with that person, or be good at that.”  By the way, “lucky” is the term miserable jealous people who do nothing to change their own circumstances use to describe those who seem happy as a result of making positive changes to their own circumstances.  So we don’t bother to try.  We don’t bother to figure out if what they have is even what we want.  We don’t bother to figure out if it something we might be able to have if we work hard enough.  We don’t even bother to consider if they sacrificed something to get it that we simply aren’t willing to sacrifice." 
 

 

I am so, so glad that I did not get stuck forever in that miserable rut of being jealous for the good fortune of others. Of being unhappy with my own situation. Instead we were awakened to the fact that sometimes we can make our own luck. I no longer need to be jealous of other people's choices or their blessings. Instead we could begin to figure out what it was that we really wanted and to decide what we were willing to sacrifice to get there.

~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~  ~

I do NOT wish for this post to become scolding. Instead I hope that it will give someone encouragement to turn your obstacles into opportunities. I suppose we've all been guilty of saying "You're so lucky" or "Must be nice!" or "I'm so jealous" or "I could never do that"...

Actually let me pick on that last one: "I could never do that."

I guess that one highlights my motivation for writing this post. Because you see, that's what I thought - about lots of things. "I could never do that." Maybe I didn't feel capable. Or cool enough. Or rich enough. Or strong enough. Or skinny enough. Or pretty enough. Or lucky enough. Or something. Whatever the reason, the point is I thought I could never do it.

I guess I thought it about lots of things. Maybe I still do about some things. But I'm happy to report that there are some areas where I have changed. I thought I could never let go of my home, but I've surprised myself and most everybody in the world. I thought I could never get rid of all the stuff that filled our huge house, but I have made great progress.

...

Bottom line:

Yes, I may have heard myself say that I could never do that.

But I did.

I've changed.

I have done things I never could have imagined.

And so can you.

...

     Continue with the next post...
           ... or see the entire series here.

Courage and fear

 

“Courage is not the absence of fear,

but rather the assessment

that something else is more important

than fear.”

   

- Franklin D. Roosevelt