a white Christmas - 9 years ago

(Reposted from December 25, 2003)
... ... ... ... ...

“Merry Christmas, darling.”
That’s what I heard from Bob as he rolled over & stretched lazily.

My response almost surprised me. Totally unbidden, the words pushed through my lips. “For I know the plans I have for you (says the LORD) - plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you a hope & a future.”

Continuing to surprise me, those words just kept rolling around in my partially awake mind. Like a stuck record? No; more like prayerfully repeating a favorite worship chorus…

God knows the plans for me - even if I don’t know what those plans are.

They are the plans HE has for me. Not just that He knows about them, but they are HIS plans. So cool.
His plans are to prosper me - though not necessarily financially.
His plans will not harm me - what a comfort.
He has hope and a future waiting for me.

Luxuriating in the relaxed Christmas morning mood (the kids who arrived last night & are sleeping in the other bedrooms are all grown up now so they are not pounding on our door reminding us it’s time to get up!!!)…
…letting myself wake up lazily, gazing out the window…

What an awesome sight!!!! The woods have been transformed to a winter wonderland - a white Christmas to be dreamed of and sung about. A white Christmas, by the way, that was a last-minute surprise to the meteorologists. Gotta’ love it when God surprises the experts.

I seem to hear Barbra Streisand’s voice… “snow flutt’ring down & the world is new….” Yes, a fresh snow makes the world look brand new. Sorta’ like every morning brings a fresh start. And like God’s mercies - new every morning. So great is His faithfulness.

Snowflakes lazily drifting through the air. Not in a hurry, but enticing me to slow down & take some time. They dare me to just gaze at them. To do nothing. To meditate - that sounds more spiritual, doesn’t it?

Peace. Hmm… so peaceful. This idyllic scene epitomizes peace.
Peace amid headlines of war & increased terror threats.
Peace amid personal & financial losses.
Peace despite receiving “bad news.”
Peace that passes understanding - that can’t be explained.

Wait; that’s EXACTLY what my friend prayed for me a couple days ago. Peace that can’t be explained. And yet, somehow it makes perfect sense. After all, the prince of peace Himself lives inside me. Whoa. What an awesome thing.

The same LORD who whispered into my wakening thoughts: For I know the plans I have for you…
The same God who surprised the experts by giving us this gorgeous white Christmas morning…
This same Jesus whispers peace to my mind and my shaky emotions.
Thank you, Jesus.

... ... ...

I’m not the only one who received bad news this week.

I’m not the only one tired of medical procedures.

Ours isn’t the only house where things didn’t go perfectly yesterday or the day before.

We’re not the only ones missing a loved one.

There are other families facing financial woes.

Others are separated from loved ones; some are FAR AWAY from home & family.

There are others concerned about job security & health issues.

Some have lost loved ones recently or experienced major life-changes.

...

And so, dear friends, if you’re still with me…

Have you had a rough week? A rough year?

Are you carrying an unusually heavy load?

Maybe you’re lonely
Maybe you’ve received bad news
Maybe you’re struggling financially or relationally
Maybe you’re concerned about job security
Maybe you’re feeling worn out and vulnerable
Maybe the future seems uncertain

Whatever your concern, God knows the plans that HE has for you, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

...

My wish for you… Yes, my prayer for you is this:

Peace in the midst of trouble.
Hope to combat fear.
The joy of the LORD to give you strength.

May the prince of peace be the LORD of your tomorrows.

Bad news on the eve of Christmas Eve

"How are you feeling, Kaye?"
So asks Facebook, "What's happening, Kaye?"
"How's it going, Kaye?"

Well, Facebook, let me tell you!
Ready?

...

It was nine years ago today that I got the phone call.
"I'm afraid it is bad news. Yes, it is cancer."
*gulp*
Yep, two days before Christmas!

So the journey continued with even more medical appointments, more testing, more poking and prodding, more surgeries, more decisions, then on to chemotherapy and radiation. Eventually we settled into the semi-annual and then the annual check-up routine, only to discover a recurrence. More consultations, more decisions, more surgeries, more tears...
And then eventually back to the annual check-up pattern.

...

Well, now that has been six and a half years now - since last treatment.
Six and half years cancer-free.
Yippee!!!

So, Facebook, how do I feel?
I feel great, thank you.
Not only that, but I feel pretty good about feeling good.
Thanks for asking!

...

How are YOU feeling, my friend?
What's happening?
How is it going?
Does the holiday season feel less than perfect?
I hope you can someday look back on this day and be thankful for all you have made it through.

Life on the road: seven months

Date: Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Location: at home in the Christmas cabin at Hidden Hollows
Two months here
Seven months since moving out of the big house

Outside: just getting light

Miles traveled: none lately

Walked: 2 miles yesterday

Hubby is: still sleeping

Recent happenings:
Purchase of new computer and getting used to it
Horrific school shooting in Connecticut
Murder/suicide across the street from our daughter
Dear friends cooked Chinese food for us
House church here last night

Unexpected: I just enrolled in a writing course.
Excited & a bit nervous

Discoveries: Pomegranates

Made me laugh: Epic Santa YouTube video

Made me sad: Polarizing and simplistic reactions to the recent violence

Made me drool: Cheese dogs, rice pudding, leftovers from the Chinese feast

Blessings: Time with wonderful friends in a safe setting

Reading: Torn - by Justin Lee

Watching tonight: Christmas caper

Considering: whether to write a year-end letter

Working on: setting up my computer for our travels this winter

Accomplishments: I learned how to make rice pudding!

Lessons: Reminded to sit shiva rather than rush to give answers

Looking forward to: seeing my kids & grandkids soon

Time to get serious

I feel like I am at a corner, a turning point.
I am becoming more intentional about writing these days and I want to kick it up another notch yet.

I recently completed my third "novel" for National Novel Writing Month.
I am ready to start writing book reviews.
I have several ideas that I want to feature on my blog.
I am setting time aside in the next three months for lots more writing - as well as more learning about writing.
I want to sign up for a writing course during this time and have found one that I think would be very helpful - oh, and he's giving one away today - FREE.
I am beginning to believe that I am a writer and excited about the chance to prove it.

...

So there are my thoughts and intentions. You are welcome to hold me to this.
For that matter, do you want to join me on this writing journey?
Is there something that you might like to write about?
There's still time to jump in for tonight's drawing!

Life on the road: six months

Date: November 18, 2012
Today marks one month in the new place and six months "on the road"

Location: the new/old cabin – way bigger than the little tiny cabin and way smaller than the big house. We like it a lot.

Outside:
A couple weeks ago it was cold & rainy & downright harsh as the outer bands of Hurricane Sandy reached us. Seriously. We lost ALL the leaves from the trees during that windy spell, but then we’ve also some nice long times of Indian Summer. Currently the big thing happening outside is the start of hunting season – so we are avoiding our normal walking routes.

Recent happenings:
- NYC was devastated by the super-storm formed by the collision of the hurricane and a huge cold pressure system
- President Obama was re-elected. The loudest friends are very upset and disappointed and fearful while other friends are quietly relieved. Gotta’ love having a variety of friends!
- We survived yet another "time change" week. Why, oh why, must we do that every year, twice a year?
- Fighting and bombings increase between Israel, Palestine, and Syria

Miles traveled: Mostly we’ve stayed put right here – getting settled into our new place – although we did make a quick trip to help with the kids when their mama got sick. We love having the flexibility to pick up and go when needed.

Walked: back and forth and back and forth between storage sheds and cabins and many trips up and down the stairs in both cabins

Current writing project: Participating in NaNoWriMo for my third year in a row

Current domestic project: Jumping back into the sorting and downsizing. This is Phase Two – or maybe Phase Three: pulling things back out of storage and discovering what else we can get rid of.

Hubby is: editing photos &/or building a photo book

Noticed: lots of amazing things while participating in “31 Amazing Days” challenge

Made me drool: pot stickers!

Reading: Just finished two books about the realities of being gay.

Watched: old episodes of “Mentalist” and now Christmas movies

Accomplishments:
- 31 Amazing Days challenge, blog posts every day during October!
- Right on track with my word count goals for NaNo

Looking forward to: the holiday season – living in a Christmas-y cabin!

Already?!?

November 15?!?
Really?!?
How can it be?

We've heard it before and we'll hear it again.

“How can November be half-gone already?”
“I can’t even believe it is November already.”
“Where did that month go?”

It seems that we are always lamenting how quickly time slips by. But it's true. It is November and even halfway through November already.

There has been a huge change in my blogging pattern. During October I participated in the 31 Amazing Days challenge – and succeeded in posting nearly every day – which was a healthy and fun exercise. Then came November One and suddenly it was time for NaNoWriMo – National Novel Writing Month. This is my third year to participate in NaNo. I quickly realized that it must be my top priority. In fact, other years I've been lucky enough to arrange my life and schedule so that NaNo was my main priority in November and so that it had very little competition for my time and attention. I assumed that I would not be able to succeed if I had other important things to do with my month. Even so I was well aware that I was rather spoiled by that luxury.

This year my schedule is a little different. Yes, I am doing NaNo again but it turns out that there are other important things in my schedule as well – things that compete for my early morning hours. I had previously set aside the first hours of the morning to get my writing done – because that’s when I am the most creative. Well... and because I could. But this year there have been grandchildren to care for in some of those early morning hours. Not that I mind! I absolutely love being available to help with them. Then there are medical appointments (both for me and for other people in my life) that steal some more of those mornings.

In previous years, those “interruptions” or intrusions on my time might have caused me to panic about my chances of success, but hey! Other people do NaNoWriMo besides keeping up with busy schedules – work, school, family responsibilities, etc. Am I such a wimp that I can’t keep up with a few other things along with NaNo?

Well, here it is the middle of the month and I am happy to report that even though I have had more real life to live this year, I am indeed keeping up my writing pace. I believe that I am going to make it to my goal. Yippee! I think I can be proud of myself.

Good-bye to fear

Every once in awhile I just have to pull this song out and listen to it a few times.
Today seemed like a good day for it.

...............

Brave New Beat

...............

I made friends with fear
We went everywhere together
He pulled out my chair
when I sat down at the table
I told him everything
just to get his opinion
He spoke so confidently
because I always believed him
He kept me from doin' anything
too risky or brave
In exchange for his protection
I became his slave

I made friends with hate
I hated everything about him
But I was so wounded by love
I tho't I couldn't live without him
He kept track of every little grudge
so it wouldn't heal
He helped me hold & preserve
all the pain I feel

I'm leavin' this sad city
Sorry, my old friends
but you can't go with me
I made friends with love & mercy
Ooh... & they're such good dancers
So don't call me anymore...
I'm not gonna' answer

I'm gonna' tango with my new friends
I'm gonna' tango with my new self
I'm gonna' tango with my new feet
I'm dancin' to the rhythm
of a brave new beat

..............

by Erin Zindle & the Ragbirds

Amazing Day Number 31: Amazing indeed

The last amazing day
No, wait; I hope that’s not true.
Try that again.

The last of the amazing days...
Of the 31-day challenge, that is...

When I decided to take this challenge, I guessed that I may not have the energy or the creativity to “make amazing things happen” but I hoped that I would begin to notice the amazing things around me. Sure enough; that was true. I didn’t make many amazing things happen; I simply learned to focus on some of the amazing and wonder-filled happenings right there in front of my eyes. Most of the amazing things that I’ve written about were not to my credit; I was not the catalyst. I was simply the observer, the celebrant.

By the way, a few of the things that I noticed were not what I would call “amazing good” – as in warm, fuzzy, wonderful things, but some of them were “shake-my-head-in-amazement" sad or disappointing or scary. They were things that made me wonder how people (including me) could be so thoughtless or selfish.

On the other hand there were also a few things that made me shake my head in wonder and astonishment about how unfathomable certain things on this planet are to my relatively small mind. They made me realize that I do not indeed “know it all” nor do I have things under control and, for the most part, that’s okay. I do not need to know it all – which is a great relief really – nor do I need to control everything and everyone. Well, except for the things that I should control – which I can/should/will keep trying to whip into shape, but which are quite few in number. Life is much easier and more pleasant for me and those around me when I stop trying to control things that are none of my business. Perhaps this 31-day practice of noticing the amazing stuff will be one more step in letting go of that inappropriate control. Now that would be amazing!

…

Disclaimer: To my credit, this is not my first time to realize that I am not the God of the universe nor is it my first attempt to relinquish control of things that are not in my department, but hopefully it has been a good reminder. And as for those things that ARE my responsibility, things that I SHOULD get under control, things that I AM in charge of… this has also been an ongoing process. So I choose to celebrate those areas where I am making good strides toward getting those things in order. And I commit to continue that noble effort.

…

Yes, these have been amazing days, days filled with amazing things. If I had not taken this challenge, I have to wonder how many of them I would have missed.

What a grand way this is to live, to notice and celebrate the amazing-ness all around me!
What if I were able to continue noticing and celebrating?
What if my eyes would be wide open in wonder more of the time?
That would indeed be amazing.

Amazing Day Number 30: tidbits

I’ve been noticing some interesting things – amazing even…
Like that I am starting to feel at home here
Like the reality that the temperature could drop 20 degrees in one day
Like the huge difference in comfort can be felt in such a drop
Like the sad fact that my margin of comfort is really narrow
Like the news that a hurricane could reach all the way to Michigan
Like the discovery that hurricane-force winds can drive rain into cracks between logs in our little old cabin
Like the excitement that I have six friends who are doing NaNoWriMo this year
Like the surprising consistency with which I have been posting about my amazing days

Amazing Day Number 29: walking away

Here’s something rather amazing that I have been thinking of for awhile and may or may not have thought to post here...
The fact that I/we could walk away from that wonderful big house that had been home for 40+ years – and not look back.
Yep, that’s rather amazing.

Amazing Day Number 28: quiet Sunday morning

I love me some quiet Sunday morning.
Corned beef hash, fried eggs, the last piece of homemade bread, O.J.
Mmmm...
AND the next loaf of bread is rising on the stove.
Life is good.
And so is my husband.
Amazing even.

Amazing Day Number 27: girl to woman

It is amazing to me how a young girl could grow up with a mom who was somewhat judgmental and inflexible, not very patient or understanding at times, more than a little selfish and lazy, and how that young girl could still turn out to be such an incredible woman. Even more amazing is that all three daughters could become women with such high levels of creativity, sensitivity, integrity, ambition, kindness, and compassion. Maybe I did some things right after all – or maybe I am just wonderfully blessed.

Amazing!

Oh, and another amazing thing has happened. In hanging out with such incredible women, I think maybe a teeny bit of the grace and integrity has rubbed off on me. Maybe even I have matured in the process.
Who knew?

Amazing Day Number 26: fake boldness

It is amazing to me how being hidden behind a computer screen can make a person so bold and harsh and mean and caustic and how it can give them the audacity to say things to and about other people that they would never say face-to-face.
Yep, it is amazing.
Scary.

Amazing Day Number 25: farewell

Just two months until Christmas, but what a lovely warm day for sitting in the sun in tank top and shorts, leaning back in the chair and gazing at the tree tops. The white birches stretch their necks beyond the deep dark green of the tall stately spruce trees as they stand together in stark contrast against the brilliant blue sky and the nearby yellow-green willow weeps gracefully and waves good-bye to summer.

I have sat and gazed at this sky before – in another place and another time – and wondered how much I would miss that spot. But it is the same sky and I can still sit in this spot and gaze upon it – just for today, the last day warm enough to do so for this year.

There are things I could be doing, maybe even should be doing. But this is a farewell, isn’t it? And farewells are valuable, worth taking time for. This one can’t be put off until tomorrow because the moment will have passed and the temperature will have dropped. So the “could’s” and “should’s” can wait while I bid farewell to summer. Tomorrow I will move on to the next season with its long sleeves and its pile of projects, but today I will be amazed by the beauty, by the sky and by life. I will marvel in the wonder and and bask in the warmth.

Farewell, sweet summer.
You were amazing.

Amazing Day Number 24: Indian summer

One amazing thing about today was the temperature.
It was around 70 degrees this afternoon.
Wonderful while it lasts!

Amazing Day Number 23 - again: I learned something!

I finally learned how to post a picture on my blog!!!
Wahoo!!!
I've been thinking that I really need to learn how to do that.
Turns out it isn't even difficult.
So there it is - added to yesterday's post.

Amazing!

Amazing Day Number 23: consistency

Let's see; what is amazing about today?
How about the fact that I haven't missed a day of this challenge in noticing amazing things about my days? Yep, that's pretty cool that I've been that consistent - AND that there are so many amazing things to notice.

I very much feel blessed.
I am grateful.

Amazing Day Number 22: people

Watching for the amazing in the ordinary…
What a good practice!
Today some of the amazing-ness I see is in the form of people.
I see generous neighbors who offer to lend a hand.
I see a talented husband who is amazing in so many ways.
Tonight we met with awesome friends in our house church group.
Wonderful people.
Amazing people.

...

Also we got the kitchen set up today.
I like it.

Amazing Day Number 21: this place

We keep catching ourselves mumbling about how amazing it is that we have this place available to live in. How bizarre is it to have not just one, but two "extra" cabins on your property that you can move into? We are so blessed.

I remember people coming to the tree farm and remarking about how cool it would be to live here. We found ourselves intrigued with that idea and wondering if we ever would, hoping that we could some day. And now here we are.

'Tis true that it will take lots more work to settle in.
It is also true that it is going to cost more than we wish to heat the place.
But to get to live here...
What an adventure!

Amazing Day Number 20: busy and tired

I think maybe I forgot to watch for amazing things on this day
Maybe because I was too busy and too tired
Busy helping to care for two wonderful grand-kids
Tired from moving this week
And from helping with two grand-kids...

The fact that our schedule allows us to help with the kids... amazing!
The fact that I had the energy to help with the kids... also amazing.

Amazing Day Number 19: Yum!

Baconator.
Amazing.

Amazing Day Number 18: Cozy

Moved more stuff today
Got lots of things put away and organized
We are both feeling very dilapidated.
It’s looking really cool in here – amazing even!
I am feeling very thankful for this cozy spacious place.

Amazing Day Number 17: Moving Day

We moved today. I thought we were going to do only part of the moving today & the rest of it tomorrow, but we got lots more done today than I expected.
Amazing! Tomorrow we will tackle the kitchen and set up my office and/or study corner.

We now have nearly twice the floor space that we had before plus the full basement. Pretty exciting stuff – amazing even!

Amazing Day Number 16: Moving Week

Some random and rambling thoughts
Unedited, possibly incoherent

...

We’re moving this week.

My thoughts and emotions are running every which way. Mostly I feel just rather calm and then I find myself wondering about that. I am such a novice at this moving thing. I don’t know how to go about it, what the steps are or what emotions to expect.

It is so different than five months ago – which was like my first big move and yet somewhat gradual and transitional. This time it might be even more gradual because there is no time crunch – unlike that other date-and-time deadline when we needed to have everything out of the big house.

I get really excited, so anxious to get on with it, but then there is so much we can’t do nor decide until we can get in there sometime late tonight. So then I calm myself back down and do other things.

But then I ask myself “Aren’t there things that I should be doing? Shouldn’t I be packing something?” But the move is just a few dozen steps across the yard so we I guess we might as well just leave the clothes right on the hangers and in the drawers to carry that far.

Certainly there are some things I could be doing and I am. But mostly I am just enjoying the anticipation as well as savoring every moment that we still have in this little tiny place.

I continue to be astounded that we have these wonderful options – albeit more than a little rustic. It has been so amazing to turn this tiny little bunkhouse into a home and to feel so comfy and cozy here. And what about that lovely romantic historical cabin that has been so admired and cherished by the community since we restored it over two decades ago? To think that we get to live in it now certainly is amazing as well!

And to think that I was ever hesitant to give up the comfort and convenience and security and familiarity of the big house! Yep, it was hard, but oh, so worth it!!!

Amazing Day Number 15: addiction

It is amazing how addicted I am to the internet.
Not surprising, but amazing.
I'm a little bit embarrassed, but not enough to make changes.

Amazing Day Number 14: Rain on the roof

Rain on the metal roof
How cool!
Makes me shudder a bit
Yet it makes me smile
Feels cozy to be inside
Feels a little like camping, but more secure
Lovely
Amazing

Amazing Day Number 13: Danville?

Danville, Kentucky
Danville, Indiana
Danville, Illinois

Who knew there were Danvilles in all three neighboring states? And that this week's route would take us so near all of them...

No wonder I was starting to feel confused - especially since I was kinda' thinking it was in Michigan - somewhere near Lansing. Oh, wait; that is Dansville with an "s"!

Amazing.

Amazing Day Number 12: Day off

Let's see; what was amazing about this day?

First of all, it was wonderful to be able to take it easy. No schedule, no time demands, nowhere I had to be, no pressure. Yep, that was pretty nice. Sometimes a body just needs a day like that.

One other amazing thing...
When we come back from a trip, I don't have a very good habit of getting my bags unpacked and stuff put away. Often that drags on for longer than I would like. However, in this case, I deliberately pushed myself to mix in some unpacking with the relaxing. Sure enough I had everything unpacked and put away before evening. Now that's amazing!

Life on the road: Five months

Date: October 12, 2012

Location: our teeny tiny cabin at the farm

Outside: sunny, cold, and beautiful

Miles traveled: 1532 miles in the last 4 days

Walked: here and there along the way

Hubby is: sleeping.
These four days have been very taxing and exhausting for him.

Recent happenings: trip to Kentucky

Unexpected: wind turbines - surrounding us for miles and miles along western Indiana and again near Breckenridge, Michigan

Noticed: how judgmental people can be

Surprises: dinner with Stacy last night!

Discoveries: that I still tend to take on unwarranted guilt feelings

Made me laugh: the Kentucky accent

Made me sad: when our decisions and/or actions caused stress or pain for others

Made me drool: the sights and smells of a coffee/pastry nook at a Pilot travel center somewhere in Indiana

Blessings: my steady, decisive husband

Accomplishments: caught up with my Google reader and posted several blogs

Lessons: I am not responsible for the decisions of others. D’oh!

Watching tonight: numb3rs

Considering: which pieces of furniture will fit in our next spot

Working on: getting ready to move next week

Looking forward to: having all my stuff under one roof and indoor plumbing!

Amazing Day Number 11: Restless

Another long day of sitting in that passenger seat
Yes, I got restless and fidgety.
The amazing part is that I have been able to sit there so long, for so many miles.

The other amazing part is that we made it home to our own big bed in the little cabin!!! No matter where home is, what an amazing, wonderful place to be.

AND we got to have dinner along the road with a beautiful, funny, wonderful, amazing daughter!

Amazing Day Number Ten – again: windmills

Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Here’s something else amazing!
Wind turbines - miles and miles and miles of them!

I love those things.
So graceful
So huge

What a wonderful thing – to harness the power of the wind!
To make such good use of our natural resources

And so fascinating!
I wonder how they decide where to put them.
I wonder how far apart they have to be.
I wonder at the thought of all the research that must be done.
I wonder where they build them.

Oh, the wonder!
Amazing things!

Amazing Day Number Ten: Guilt

And now that we’ve started down the not-so-positive track…

It’s amazing how I still tend to take on a sense of guilt for any little thing that goes wrong in the world.
Wait; that’s not quite true.
The little things...
I’m doing lots better about not feeling guilty about them.
But if those little things pile up into something really huge...
Something that really causes pain for someone...
Whether there is anything I could have done to make it better or not...

Still I am tempted to feel guilty.
Amazing

Amazing Day Number Nine: Obstacles

I guess “amazing” doesn’t always have to mean positive.
Sometimes it’s amazing how many things can go wrong in a given situation.
This was one of those days.

However, it’s also amazing to be able to work through the obstacles and have a good day anyway. After all, it has been said that the best stories are born from adversity.

Adversity to adventure

Amazing!

Amazing Day Number Eight: Infrastructure

Travel day

I find myself impressed with the interstate highway system. I think it is so cool that President Eisenhower enacted the plan those years ago. Yes, I am a geography geek – more than a little obsessed with maps. But yes, I find the plan and the implementation a bit amazing.

Now that I think about it, there are other amazing things in our country’s infrastructure – things like being able to find a restroom most anywhere. I am old enough to remember when that was not true – not to mention other places in the world where it is not something to count on.

And then there is the internet!
How amazing is THAT?!?!?!?

Amazing Day Number Seven: peace

Let’s see; what was amazing about this day?
Maybe just that it was a good day, a relaxing & peaceful day.
I do love a leisurely Sunday morning.

I went to the storage sheds in search of some of my pretty scarves. First I found the ones that I haven’t worn for a long time – the ones that I should get rid of – but eventually I succeeded in finding my favorite ones! Yes, I still have way too much stuff. Yes, I must keep sorting and pitching. Keep only the beautiful pieces – the ones I love, the ones I use – and then get rid of the rest. I am feeling excited and thankful that we will soon have a good place for doing the next phase of that sorting and pitching. Who knew that we would get to live in that wonderful Christmas cabin? That’s rather amazing – and very cool.

...

Late in the day we did a photo shoot among the gorgeous fall colors and we went for a walk. I don’t particularly like how I look in the photos, but we can do another shoot. I often don’t want to bother going for a walk, but I am usually glad that I did it. I feel thankful for the energy to keep doing that.

...

So yes, it was an amazing day - not because of anything spectacular that happened, but because it was a good day. It was a day to breathe, to live, to love, to relax and to enjoy. A day of wonder.

Amazing Day Number Six: Life and love

A special day for me, for us.
On this date our second daughter was born.
Now she's a momma with her own second child.
Happy birthday, Angie.
I love you!

…

Getting ready to go to a party
Hubby is preparing to participate in the karaoke
My heart is warmed as he practices
It’s a love song – to me
Sing it again
Makes me happy
What an amazing guy!
I am a lucky girl
So blessed!

…

No karaoke equipment at the party
So he didn’t get to sing it
So sad
But it doesn’t change the truth
He is still an amazing guy
I am still loved
And filled with wonder

Amazing Day Number Five: Yum!

Peanut butter and banana sandwich
Amazing!

Amazing Day Number Four: Fear no more

What a beautiful morning!!!
Warm even
Bright sunshine-y
Amazing

…

Afternoon
Worry & fear reach for my heart
Worst case scenario time
My “normal” response
However, I am able to remind myself that things probably won’t be that bad.
Thankful I can do that – at least somewhat successfully

…

Evening
Things went better than imagined
Relief
Gratitude
Life is good – often better than expected
Amazing

Be still, my soul

Amazing Day Number Three: Tiny Places

Amazing Day Three

I got up early and came to my new/old little study spot up in the corner of the loft – just under the tin roof.
'Tis a noisy spot.
Scratching and chewing of critters trying to get in to share the warmth

Loving the view out the tiny little window I am.
Leaves are turning!!!
Trying to get the perfect shot for the top of my facebook page

I love my smart phone!
Who knew we’d one day be able to take pictures on our phones and zip them off to our facebook pages?
Yah, I kinda’ love Facebook, too.
I pretty much love technology.
It is all rather amazing.

And then the dentist...
I have to get a crown.
Ugh.
Where’s the amazing in that?
But then again, how wonderful is it to have decent dental insurance coverage?
Oh, yes, I'll have to pay a good chunk out-of-pocket, but still I'm thankful.

And then...
A night of NCIS on Netflix!

Oh, and did I mention that I made another pot of tasty soup?

Another amazing day it was.

Amazing Day Two: Reading

Amazing Day Two

How long has it been since I set aside a reading day?
What a wonderful thing, amazing even.
While reading, I found inspiration for some stories I want to write – and yes, I got them captured on paper.

...

Also, while taking stretch breaks, I whittled away at some clutter to make my little house look better, more amazing. I like this place. I love my life!

...

AND I had some more of that amazing soup.
Finished it off...

Amazing Day One: Soup

Amazing Day One

I finished some things.
Some amazing accomplishments.
Wahoo!

...

Soup season!
I have been craving soup – particularly barley and lentil soup.
I made some today.
It turned out to be amazing.
Hearty.
Tasty.
I could eat it every day.

31 Amazing Days - challenge

Do you have lots of amazing days? I think I do.
Would you like to have more amazing days? I wouldn't mind.

I just bumped into some interesting thoughts about amazing days – by Adam and Christine Jeske. Their story, their blog, and their book look fascinating as is their challenge to live 31 amazing days in October but I'll admit that my personal reaction was mixed. The challenge appealed to me, but I was almost immediately afraid that I don’t have it in me to tackle it. I’ve taken on some similar things in the past and have enjoyed them, but I am wary about making a new commitment. I already have some big changes and challenges facing me in October and I don’t seem to be bubbling over with excess energy or creativity.

But I didn’t explain the challenge yet, did I? Basically they challenged us to notice something amazing – or to instigate something amazing – every day. 

As I mentioned, I’m not sure I have the energy or the fortitude to take on something big, to rise to a challenge. Then again maybe I need this; maybe it would nourish me. I guess I could just give it a shot - just decide to at least look for something amazing every day – and maybe not worry so much about making something amazing happen. Maybe I don't need to add anything to my life, but just pay attention a bit more. I like to do that anyway. I want to live with a sense of wonder and amazement.

Come to think of it, some amazing things have already happened today. I cranked out a couple accomplishments that I am rather amazed about. And the soup craving that I turned into a reality is simmering on the burner and starting to smell pretty amazing.

Anybody else want to live some amazing days this month?
Why not?

Life on the road: Four Months

Day/date: Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Location: Bunkhouse at Hidden Hollows

Outside: Chilly, but bright & sunny

Miles traveled: Staying put today

Hubby is: up on the roof - winterizing

Recent happenings: Octagon Barn festival and on to the beach for a short vacation

Noticed: stars, the dew, breeze

Reading: “the audacity of hope” by Barack Obama

Watching tonight: NCIS on Netflix

Accomplishments: Packed away the hot-weather clothes until January!
Yep. Uh-huh, that’s right; I said January.

Looking forward to: seeing all three daughters this weekend!

No Longer Home - Part Two

(Continued from Part One posted yesterday)

...

Eventually, gradually, finally, the girl began to understand that she did not have to live under the constant threat of displeasing someone – although it would take a very long time to fully embrace that truth.

As the girl continued to expand her intellectual ability, she learned some basic truth from the outside world – like about behavior patterns and healthy boundaries. Once she understood the wisdom in this kind of knowledge, she began to grieve that these principles had not been taught in the village. To the contrary, the walls that seemed to protect had also restricted the flow of much that would have been healthy – and had actually amplified the unhealthiness of other facets of community life.

The comfort zone no longer seemed idyllic. The safety and security came with high price tags – of restriction and manipulation. Freedom had been devalued, blind obedience exalted.

But it was still home. It was still the place to come back and be safe and secure. She knew the rules and spoke the language. There was even a bit of hope that things could change, that maybe, just maybe, restrictions and manipulation could diminish so that freedom and growth could flourish. In fact, there seemed to be times when that was so. More and more people began to experience moments of freedom and hope, but there always seemed to be a limit to freedom. It took awhile to realize that freedom is not the same as a longer leash.

And still she stayed. She submitted where she could without compromising her health and she tried to improve things wherever possible. After all, she was fluent in the language and understood the systems and the protocol very well. Surely she could have a positive influence. And she was not alone in her efforts. Many others also worked hard to make the village a place of life and health and vitality and freedom and growth. There were good days, fulfilling days, fun days, days of good old-fashioned hard work – as well as days that weren’t so fun or fulfilling.

And still she stayed – because it was home. Some of the time she felt welcome there – IF she worked hard to please – but not so much if she spoke up for freedom and health. She was still fluent in the language and still knew the protocol so she kept trying to walk the tightrope, to find some balance between fitting in and breaking free.

It had never occurred to her that she might someday no longer be welcome here, so it came as a great surprise to find herself outside of the walls and to realize quite suddenly that she would not be going back home. The girl would no longer live in the village; it was no longer home.

…

Sometime later the girl began to wonder if there was something that she could have done to stay, to continue to feel welcome in the village. She came to the conclusion that she probably did have a choice. She probably could have stayed and even been welcomed and cared for if, only if, she had chosen to submissively step back behind the rule line and if she were willing to start over in making sure to please the proper people, those who thought themselves to be leaders, and if she would stop making waves and rocking the boat and thinking for herself. She thought carefully about that choice and the accompanying price tag. She knew she could do it; after all, she was still fluent in the language and she still knew the protocol. But she also knew that it would mean setting aside freedom and growth and life and healing and health and vitality - and she knew without a doubt that price was too high. Besides, she had already discovered that there were wonderful places outside the walls that could provide a sense of home – that didn’t force her to sell her soul to pay the rent and where she was not required to commit emotional and intellectual suicide.

…

And the air is cleaner, fresher.
The horizon is broader.
The view is awesome.

She is still trying to understand the protocol and is not yet fluent in the language, but she is getting lots of practice. Yes, she is beginning to feel at home.

More importantly, the girl is learning what it feels like to be free.

No Longer Home - Part One

She had felt at home in this place as long as she could remember. It was her native land. She was fluent in the language. She knew the rules – the laws of the land. She understood every detail of the program, the schedule and the protocol. She knew which things were approved and which were not. She knew how to please people and what would invoke displeasure. She knew which topics were taboo and which were okay to discuss on a surface level. She knew the steps for HOW to look good even if she didn’t always succeed at it – and when success eluded her, she knew to be properly apologetic and meek and submissive. She felt secure behind these walls and couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.

At some point the girl ventured forth into the world beyond the walls to explore other cultures. She found the big world fascinating with its sights and sounds, its thoughts and ideas, its delights and its scariness, but she was smart enough to come back home to the safety and security and comfort and convenience of her own little world. During her several trips to the outside she learned to function out there somewhat successfully, but this is where she felt safe and secure. This was home.

After decades of living in this world but occasionally working on the outside, she began to realize that not everyone on the inside was pleased with her performance all of the time. Some were proud of her for venturing forth and others seemed to feel threatened by it. Most would still praise her for following the rules of the inside and would with-hold their praise if her rule-following lacked the vehemence they desired to see. Some were quick to point out the dangers of spending any unnecessary amount of time on the outside.

Eventually she began to wonder if she dared to actually think for herself. Some expressed their approval of her continuing development while others made it plain that it was totally inappropriate for her to think for herself. They reminded her that it was her responsibility to submit to the wishes of those who called themselves leaders. Being wise and mature as they were, these leaders were of course kind and gentle in their counsel. They would sit her down and patiently express their disappointment with her – because she had strayed from the rules. Even more often than those encounters were the ones where they calmly gave her their own personal opinions – explaining carefully that while these issues were not official rules, at the very least these matters were quite important to them personally. It got confusing at times to be told that there was no official rule about such and such, but that it would be much better for her to follow the wishes of these leaders. She had not yet encountered the term “passive-aggressive behavior” nor been educated about that concept – so she just kept trying to figure out how to best walk this line and not displease anyone.

Yes, these important leaders seemed generally kind and gentle and wise and diplomatic, rarely raising their voices over anything. However, there were a very few occasions when that was not the case, when she and the others were completely caught off-guard by a normally calm, dignified leader suddenly exploding in anger – causing people to tiptoe around nervously puzzled. Events like that would normally have encouraged the girl to make sure to get herself back in line – and certainly would have caused her to feel at least some measure of guilt – whether or not she had anything to do with the eruption. She had learned well to avoid that kind of scenario and not to make waves. Or had she?

...

(Continue reading - Part Two)

Life on the road: 3 months

Date: 14 august 12

Location: Waterford, MI; living in the basement at our daughter’s house

Outside: jingle of the ice cream truck going by out front & the "pitty, pitty patter of little bitty feet"* on the deck out back – visitors here to meet little Ernesto Robert

Miles traveled: staying put this week

Walked: not much today

Hubby is: editing photos

Recent happenings: the birth of our grandson 4 days ago and a wedding at our place 3 days ago

Noted: that it has been three months since we moved out of our house & that we’re doing pretty well with the move

Blessings: This place – a nice little apartment down here, quite comfortable & convenient

Watching tonight: Too tired most evenings to watch anything – after watching little bundle of energy all day

Accomplishments: By helping wherever I can with the little ones, it is my privilege to build relationships with them. How fun and how awesome.

---

* "pitty, pitty patter" phrase is from the old song by Susan Raye

to go, to move, to get under way...

Not sure that I ever expected this to be true of me, but yah, I get it - and not only for me, but I see it & hear it from others as well.

“I saw in their eyes something I was to see over and over in every part of the nation- a burning desire to go, to move, to get under way, anyplace, away from any Here. They spoke quietly of how they wanted to go someday, to move about, free and unanchored, not toward something but away from something. I saw this look and heard this yearning everywhere in every state I visited. Nearly every American hungers to move.”

― John Steinbeck

Grace abounds... or does it?

One from the archives...

I was on the worship team that morning.
The theme of the service was "grace."
I was supposed to comment between songs & said something like this - after we sang Keith Green's chorus.
.....
O LORD, You're beautiful;
Your face is all I seek.
And when Your eyes are on this child,
Your grace abounds to me.
.....

...Your grace abounds to me...

For the first 40-some years of my life, I didn't really understand what was the big deal about grace. Oh, I could define it, but I didn't really "get it." When some awful sinner got saved and was raving about the grace of God, I thought it was cool. I could understand that "sinners" need grace, but didn't really "get" how excited they might be about it.

You see...
I was a good kid - a church kid.
I did all the "right things." Well, most of the right things...
AND I was a pleaser - so I almost always tried to do what I thought would please God. Well, and please other people, too...

Don't get me wrong; there's nothing wrong with being a good kid, doing right things or wanting to please God.

BUT somehow it was as if I had started to believe that I was good enough, that I didn't need grace. *gasp* Even if it were true, what a lot of pressure that would be, eh?

Thankfully, however, God has used several people and a few great books to get my attention and to help me recognize my faulty thinking. I remember one pivotal moment...

I had been dealing with someone who had "willfully" and "continually" participated in one of the "worst sins" you could think of. Trust me; it was one that we good Christians get really upset about.

However... I was becoming aware of my "holier-than-thou" attitude and was asking God to teach me His perspective. I hope I never forget that moment - when it dawned on me that MY pious, legalistic, self-righteous, judgmental attitude smelled just as putrid in God's nostrils as that "horrible" sin that I had been judging. (Is. 64:6)

Long story short.
I'm FINALLY starting to "get it"
-how really amazing grace is - how awesome
-how desperately I need it
-how I must extend grace to others
-how it abounds to me
-what it feels like to bask in it
-how to live free

I'm so incredibly grateful to finally be "catching on" to this grace thing.
I choose to remember that I desperately need grace.
Hopefully that will remind me to extend it to others.

Violence - with words and guns: some jumbled thoughts

It hurts my heart.
It frightens me.
I don’t know what to say, but that doesn’t seem to stop me from saying whatever pops into my head.

When some horrific thing like this* comes along, we react. We don’t always react well. We are heart-broken for the carnage, for the terror, for the fear, for the loss. We empathize with the victims and their families. We feel our own sense of safety and security slipping away. We wonder what our country is coming to. We try to make sense of it but how do you make sense of something so irrational? We grasp for straws – for explanations, for some kind of guarantee that it won’t happen again. We wish we could erase the act and go back to feeling safe and secure.

Sadness and sorrow get tangled up with anger and fear.
We react well – with compassion and wisdom.
We react poorly – with judgment and blame.
We react against those who react.
We blame with broad strokes.
We make generalized pronouncements.
We point fingers at those who try to make sense of it all.
We blame anyone who dares to point a finger in a different direction than we do.
We insult the intelligence of those who disagree with us.
We lash out at anyone who lashes out.

Why do we feel the need to speak with authority?
Why do we feel the need to campaign loudly for our position?
Why do we try to dictate how others should react?
Is it because we wish to regain a sense of control or stability or security?

Why do we let fear win over wisdom?
Why do we trade compassion for condemnation?
Why can we not have civil conversation about better ways to prevent such violence?

...
* Referring to the recent shooting spree in Aurora, CO

sunflowers work

After being terrorized by the neighbor's little dog (who kept circling me and nipping at my heels as I headed out for my early morning walk and then yapped at me for the ENTIRE mile) I find myself a little irritable.

Disconcerted
Jumpy
Grumpy
Frustrated

Gotta' change my mood
Find something to distract myself
To calm me down
To cheer me up
Think about something fun
Something happy
Something wonderful

Sunflowers!
A whole field of 'em!
Oh, how fun
How cool
Yes, that will do it
They can change my mood
I choose to let those sunflowers turn my day around

Yay, sunflowers!

Two months already?

Two months have passed since we moved out of our big house – our home for so long. Two months of living in a teeny tiny one room cabin after 40 years in a house with 10 spacious rooms. Some of that two months has been lived in an even tinier camper trailer. We are definitely adjusting to smaller quarters and getting along without certain comforts and conveniences.

So how is it going? My answer varies a bit with each person who asks but generally it is going quite well, thank you. We, in fact, rather like most aspects of it. Sure, it feels crowded at times, but there is a measure of joy in the simplicity that may have surprised me a bit.

I am realizing that one of the biggest changes is the fact of outdoor living. Since not all of our conveniences or all of our “stuff” are under one roof, we must venture out into the great outdoors much more often than we used to. That’s rather enjoyable in nice weather and not so fun in the extreme heat we’ve been having recently. Yes, outdoor dining can be wonderfully exotic, but the level of enjoyment can fluctuate with temperature and weather conditions.

I find myself thinking often about shelter. We are taught that shelter is one of man’s basic needs. Having lived most of my life in a temperate zone I am accustomed to the idea that shelter usually involves some kind of insulation. Insulation is a big factor in comfort. Not only were we insulated from cold winds in winter, we were also wonderfully sheltered from the heat by the canopy of trees surrounding the big house in the summer. Through the years that we lived there we were well aware of that blessing and were wonderfully grateful. We no longer have that protection and find ourselves searching for a bit of shade here and there. Oh, how wonderful a big shade tree can be alongside the road when the truck is malfunctioning! It can provide at least a small measure of relief from the sun beating down.

I am pleased to discover that we are doing well, because before the move I wasn't totally confident in my coping skills. We knew certain things would get old really fast and that we would miss specific comforts and conveniences, but the time has slipped by and we are getting along okay. In fact, the idea of ever living in such a huge place again seems to be fading away into the unlikely category. Hopefully that revelation will help us let go of even more of our STUFF - because we still have lots of it to go through and disburse.

Oh, and what have we been doing these two months?
We have enjoyed visiting with daughters and other relatives. For the next few weeks, we're staying close by so we can care for the little sweetie when baby brother is born.
Good times!

Life on the road: log book

Date: Friday, June 29, 2012

Location: a lovely campsite nestled in the pine trees in my sister-in-law’s yard, West Michigan

Outside my window:
Really hot and oh, so very dry.
The grass is brown and crunchy.
Fireworks may be cancelled around the area.

Miles traveled: None today

Walked: Almost a mile

Hubby is: editing photography online

Recent happenings:
A couple days ago, we…
Visited friends who are preparing to return to Central Asia next week
Wandered around downtown Grand Rapids (Love that place!)
Dined at Bobarino’s in the B.O.B. (Big Old Building)
Met Stacy for “blues on the mall”
Got some great photos, passed out lots of business cards
Shared turtle cheesecake ice cream at Kilwins’

Discoveries:
So far we rather like this life on the road, the sojourn Bob calls it.

Made Me Smile: A brief encounter with street musicians & now e-mail contact with them

Blessings: Our AC is working fine. Yesterday we thought it was dying, but it was a simple power supply fix.

Reading:
Haven’t found time to read the last couple days
Sad, but okay

Watching tonight:
We have netflix waiting for us, but will probably hang with family.

Considering: the schedule for the next few days – family times, beach time and exploration…

Working on: food shopping & prep for family gathering tomorrow.

Accomplishments: Laundry

Looking forward to: the coming days & weeks, more of this lifestyle of exploration and adventure

Nice night 

Barefoot in the cool damp grass

So peaceful 

Perfect temp 

Birds and bunnies hopping around 

Bees buzzing 

No mosquitoes 

What a way to cool down from walking a mile.

rain

Raining
Lightly tinging the metal roof
Some distant thunder
Then raining harder
Then heavy
Hitting the metal roof just inches above our heads
Steady
Thunder moves closer
Eventually a torrential downpour
Cozy in here

Intense storm
Long storm
Thunder rumbling, crackling, rolling
Storm is right on top of us
All around us
Cracking here, then over there
Rumbling overhead and rolling across the sky

Suddenly quiet
Bird calling furiously outside the window
Storm pulling away
Thunder rumbling softly in the distance
Then none
Peace
Quiet

Windows

The big house had lots of windows. The family room had one entire wall of ten windows and the dining room also had ten windows – spread around three sides of the room. Each of the bedrooms had at least 2 windows. In the big house, we could gaze out at the world around us while staying comfortable and insulated from the weather. In fact, I have whole photo albums – like “my windows on winter” – recording the outside beauty from inside vantage points. However, this new place has only three windows – meaning that I can’t see what’s happening out there from inside. I must step outside to enjoy or to assess the surroundings. I must make myself vulnerable and get out there. Yikes. 

It rather reminds me of my former existence within the institutional church. I was happily occupied with all kinds of ministries. I could observe the world around me while staying safe and comfortable – insulated from the conditions out there. I even hosted an annual event that I called "window on the world."

However, now that I am outside the walls, I feel vulnerable and more than a bit uncomfortable. But I also realize that “out here” is where I need to be if I want to engage the culture and really live the love of Jesus. My perspective was in dire need of correction – which could have only happened outside. I must now learn how to live and love out here in the real world.

Freedom, movement, transition

After living in comfort and convenience and security for pretty much all of my life, we are starting out on an adventure unlike any other – that may seem silly & irresponsible. But it is a step of freedom, a step to freedom. And it is not just about where we live or don’t live and what we own and enjoy. It is also about what we believe and what we value. Our “before” life was full of stuff and all kinds of space to contain the stuff. Our new life has very little space to keep things, so we are throwing stuff overboard as quickly as we can pry our fingers open. If we are to travel, we can’t carry all this baggage. My perspective has changed about which things really matter to me. I realize that some of them are cherished for good reason while others now seem less important and even downright silly in the light of the journey.

So too in my soul and spirit – I have been in transition – a transition consisting of sorting and pitching the beliefs that I have clung to all my life. I have been taking a long hard look at all the bags and boxes of beliefs that had long bogged me down. The process of disentangling the piles of legalistic rules and expectations has been arduous, but I have recently realized that I am feeling free – in a pared-down sense, clean & lean, lighter and re-energized. I am discovering which things really matter and should be cherished. I also now recognize how unimportant other things are – downright silly even.

Yes, it feels weird to no longer be confined – and defined – by the walls that kept me safe and provided comfort and predictability as well as lots of space to store my stuff. Yes, it is scary to be outside those walls and facing the vast unknown – and with relatively few creature comforts. But it is an adventure – one which I’m glad to finally be free to embark.

Moving day

It seems like I should be more... something. I don't know what, but something. Or maybe I expected to be more - perhaps emotional or stressed or something. I guess I thought I'd be all sad and messed up. It's a good thing that I'm not. Mostly I'm tired & I want to be done.

Yep, really tired - of the mess, of the process, of having our stuff divided between two places. Having bread at the old place, but no butter; a microwave and pans, but no food – while at the new place there is butter but no bread and no knives, food but no way to cook them.

Today was the day scheduled to move the bread and the butter, the microwave and the fridge, the food and the tools for cooking the food. That would have been fairly smooth perhaps, but circumstances moved up the schedule for moving the fridge last night instead – which was not very smooth, but is done. So today we are fragmented; at least our kitchen is. By tonight we should be back together – reunited with our food – and our cooking tools. Tonight we should be starting to feel at home in our new home – or is that a little ambitious? I wouldn’t know, never having done this moving thing before.

The light increases outside my window.
Morning arrives – this last morning to enjoy in this place.

Sweet sounds & strange sounds

I woke up to the sweet sounds of summer drifting in the open window - mourning doves cooing, woodpeckers pecking and song birds singing cheerily. I was thrilled that I had the time to soak in the sounds of this place another day, to memorize them for some future reminiscence. What a privilege has been mine to live amongst these sounds, to celebrate them as the normal backdrop of my life here. I am so accustomed to these sweet sounds but may I never take them for granted.

Another sound has been surfacing around here the last few days – this one not so familiar – in fact pretty much unheard of until just now. That rare sound we keep noticing is the echoing emptiness in one room after another once all of the furniture has been moved out. How weird. These rooms have never been empty enough to echo before. To the contrary they have been gradually filling up even before construction was completed and for 40 years since.

I am very grateful that the empty echoes do not reverberate in my soul as might easily have happened. Instead, there are mostly soft sighs of joy triggered by memories throughout the spacious rooms.

Interestingly some of the rooms are already filling up again. The new renters needed a place to unload their rental truck so we offered one of the rooms that we had vacated. It is now filled to the ceiling with boxes & beds & couches piled precariously awaiting the moving in of their owners. I find myself excited that these walls will soon be echoing child laughter again and that these floors will feel the patter of little feet running & exploring their new home. And I find myself looking forward to the new sounds that we will discover as we wake up in new places on our journey.

Sweet sounds, strange sounds, soft sighs...

To my man

How can I ever thank you?

I am aware of an amazing joy and sense of gratitude during these days - when I could well have been more focused on grieving - as we pack away a lifetime of memories and get ready to walk away from our beloved home with all of its customized comforts and conveniences.

I had tried to prepare myself for the gamut of emotions - from excitement to grief and fear and stress - but have been pleasantly surprised to have joy and excitement winning out most of the time.




You have been amazing in this process - doing more than your share of the work, but especially being patient with me.  

You have been so unexpectedly good at knowing when to push me and when to give me space - which has provided a safe place for me to do all of this processing. I am so very grateful for your provision, protection and patience.

Better together

Another Five-Minute Friday The rules are no editing, no over-thinking, no back tracking. Just writing. Today's word is together... Go.... Better together It’s hard to leave. This has been home for a long time. I thought I’d live here the rest of my life. But we’ve been set free to explore other places. Why would we want to go? Why not stay forever? Stay where it’s familiar & comfortable? Of course, we realize that we can’t stay forever. Some day we’ll have to leave – when we no longer have the health to stay. Or perhaps one of us will be gone & the other wouldn’t want to stay alone – or to leave alone. How much better to leave together when we can! When we have the desire to journey & explore. When we still have the energy to make it happen without being a burden to others. Yes, we’ll have to leave some day. Why not do it now – while we can leave together? While the leaving can be fun & joyful... It’s better together.

the jungle feast

Brilliant lush green – deep, dark green and yet somehow bright green – contrasts with the deliciously wet black tree trunks. Yes, those are the colors of this jungle after a soaking rain. Yes, the leaves are opening enough to make it look like a jungle today. What a feast for my eyes! This is one of my very favorite times of the year (at least in my top four!) to be in this glorious part of creation. It wouldn’t be hard to feel badly about leaving it all; nope, it wouldn’t be hard at all. On the other hand, I can choose to enjoy every bit of beauty, to breathe it in, to drink it in, to celebrate the fact that it has been my privilege to enjoy it for 39 springtimes, and to enjoy it even one more time. Why would I want to let anything spoil that celebration? It is with a hard lump in my throat that I think of the hard parts of leaving even whilst looking forward with grand anticipation to the journey ahead. It's a jungle out there and I can't wait to explore it.

Funeral awkwardness

I wonder what Lazarus would do at a funeral.
What would he say?
How would he feel?

If I were him, I think I might feel awkward. Not just the “not-knowing-what-to-say” kind of awkward, but you know? Sort of like a cheater? Yah, yah, I worry too much about what people think, but I’d probably imagine that someone might be thinking “So what are you doing here? Are you trying to show off?” Or maybe someone would think “How insensitive of you to flaunt your live body at a time like this!” Would anyone think that he was gloating?

Maybe he would feel a little bit like I felt the first few times I saw my friends after they lost their son to cancer. Jon & I were diagnosed around the same time. We were both bald the same summer, but he’s gone now & I’m still here 8 years later. It's almost as if I feel guilty for surviving - not really, but almost. My friends assure me that seeing me does not make them any sadder; no way do they resent my recovery, but still I feel weird.

Movement

Movement
Mobility
Motion

I have committed to 40 Days of Movement. It has been a good exercise. Some days I have been excited about my progress report - other days not so much.

Recently, I haven't known how/what to report. I have been in motion, but I’m not sure how to describe it. Much of my motion has been internal – in my mind & in my emotions. Much of it has not been in a clear direction, but has been on a winding road with lots of twists and turns – nor has it been level or stable, but more like a roller-coaster.

I have been sorting boxes & more boxes. I have accomplished small goals – like reducing the pile of boxes – but I still feel overwhelmed at times. Or I think that I’m feeling good at times, rather proud of myself – and suddenly… Boom! I fall apart; I blow up. I show evidence of internal turmoil.

Some days I feel ambitious & energetic; other days I can barely force myself to tackle one small pile. Some hours I can only convince myself to deal with one item. All the letting go takes a toll. The multitudinous decisions wear me down. I want to be rid of the stuff, but it’s hard to let go.

I can’t be objective. Some days I can see the progress; other days I can’t see beyond the remaining piles.

But I am consciously committed to movement. Each day I choose to move – to move my body, my person, myself – and my stuff.

Gift

Five-minute Friday The word is gift. The rules are simple. Write for 5 minutes. No editing, no over-thinking, no back tracking... just write. Go. ... Gift I have received lots of gifts. I have taken good care of them, have been a good steward of most of them. I have enjoyed them & celebrated them. But sometimes the time comes to let go of a gift. I don’t do that so well. It feels wrong, feels like I’m no longer a good steward, no longer grateful. It’s hard to mourn the death of a gift, to accept that the expiration time approaches. I realize that I can’t receive more good gifts when my hands are so full of the previous ones, but it’s so hard to let go. There are tears, tantrums even, triggers for grief that catch me off-guard. As I admit that I must let go of the old gift to make room for the new, I still want some control. I want to let go of that old cherished thing on my terms – one piece at a time or in the way that I want to do it. I say that I want to be rid of the old, but I don’t want to let go of the control over it. It’s so hard. It hurts so bad. Time’s up. Ouch.

Loud

I've seen the Five-Minute Friday challenge before & thought it looked interesting. My friend posted one today and on a whim I decided to give it a try, too.

Here's how it works. You write for 5 minutes, no editing, no over-thinking, no back-tracking...
Today's word is 'Loud'... Go.

...

LOUD
I remember so many days (mornings often) when I realized that I was loud. As a teenager, I’d have a ball at youth meeting, just a great time & then in the morning I’d begin to think “why do I have to be so loud?” I would feel embarrassed. Yuck.

Was I louder than the people around me? I don’t know. But I didn’t always like it.

Am I still loud? Sometimes. Maybe not so much in volume, but I sure tend to talk a lot. Again I might be having an awesome time – enjoying heart-to-heart with someone - & later realize that I did all of the talking. Oops. Embarrassing again. Yes, I feel embarrassed, but also rather ashamed. Dominating a conversation seems to be really inconsiderate & immature & insensitive. Yuck. Yep, I don’t like it very much. So why do I do it? Is it just the way I am? Do I have no self-control? Have I honestly sincerely tried to improve? Should I continue to try to get better? If so, how? What can I really do about it? Drats!! Double-drats!

Time’s up.
...and my man is calling me.
Gonna’ walk to the mailbox with him…

Appropriate apology

Troubling it is – this latest rancor coming from the Christian right. It saddens me to hear our president labeled as anti-American for sending an apology to President Karzai about the burning of Korans that has led to such violence. To the contrary, his apology was at least partly for the sake of protecting American lives in Afghanistan. Referencing a somewhat similar incident for which President George Bush apologized to the president of Iraq, White House spokesman Jay Carney explained, "…that's appropriate for the same reason, because our concern -- this president's concern, as was surely the case with President Bush, is the safety and security of our men and women in uniform, as well as our civilians in Afghanistan. …one of the reasons that it's appropriate to express our sincere apologies for this incident is that the kind of reaction that it can cause risks putting our men and women in harm's way, or in further risk than they already are. So I think that precedent is a useful one to look at."

Besides closely following the precedent established by past administrations, this apology is also in line with the foreign policy changes promised by President Obama. His plan to repair U.S. relations with the rest of the world was one of the things that first impressed me about him and is one area where he has, in my opinion, followed through with reason, wisdom and sensitivity.

Much of the ill will toward America from the rest of the world can be linked to the perception that we are arrogant and insensitive bullies. Recent presidents including Ronald Reagan and George Bush have seen the wisdom for some measure of humility and compassion and have both issued apologies to other countries for unfortunate events that happened on their watch. It would seem that some of the candidates currently battling for the high office would prefer to go back to a path of brash power that leaves no room for apology or sensitivity. I admit that that path is very scary to me.

Tribute to a mentor - David Mays

David Mays was an inspiration to me and an example of several of the characteristics that I have tried to emulate as a mobilizer. After learning that Dave died this week, I am realizing how much of an example he was for me.

Pass the good stuff along
Dave was the one who introduced me to the idea of book notes as a tool that I could employ in my life. I had been inspired by lots of writers and bloggers who write fascinating book reviews and have wished that I could be so creative, but never took the time to develop the habit. Something about Dave’s book notes made it seem more do-able; I didn’t need to take time or energy to come up with something to say about a particular book but could simply highlight actually quotes & lines from the text. Let the author speak for himself or herself. It’s simpler that way, cleaner, & free from my interpretation or bias. I’ve been dabbling with book notes for several years now, but had just this week been sensing an urgency to aggressively build my own collection of book notes.

I appreciate the simplicity and the power of the idea of book notes. It is the perfect way to maximize truth and wisdom that has been collected and composed by the greats and to pass it along, to disseminate it to others who can benefit from it. It is a classic example of open-handed living – opening my hands to receive blessing and then opening them yet again to share it with others.

By all means
Perhaps my main theme as a mobilizer has been to try to employ all means possible to motivate and equip others to become what they were created to be. David Mays was an example of someone who was creative in using all means to get the job done – by putting on conferences and recruiting people to attend them, by serving in organizations, by coming up with innovative tools and by writing books of his own. His example has inspired me to be creative in coming up whatever I could find to help people.

Get out of the way
Recently I have been mulling over the phrase “connecting greatness with greatness” – to describe one aspect of the privilege of being a mobilizer. I don’t have to be something special or great or awesome, but I can rub shoulders with the greats – whether in real life or through their writings – and can learn from their vast wisdom and example. On the other hand, I can also watch for potential greatness in those in my sphere of influence – and connect them with each other. Dave Mays was a pro at connecting greatness with greatness. He didn’t project self-importance; instead he seemed to thoroughly enjoy pointing others to the resources they needed but without having to be noticed or appreciated. I can learn from that.

Life lessons
As I’ve typed up the ways that David Mays has been an example for me, I realize that these are not only true for my mobilizing work, but for all of life. This list can help me in pretty much every area of life: pass the good stuff along – sharing with others, look for creative solutions in unlikely places, and stay out of the way as I connect greatness with greatness.

Which is it? Do or try?

Sometimes we get conflicting advice. That has been the case for me on the question of whether to do or to try.

Quite a few years ago someone pointed out to me the silliness of saying that I'm going to try to do certain things - probably referring to something like I'm going to try to eat less or to try to be more active. This person talked about the fact that as long as we keep saying that we're going to try, we'll probably never actually do. He pointed out that we don't usually say that we are going to try to go to the store. Nope. We just decide to go to the store & then we do the things we need to do to get there. We grab our keys, we get in the car, we start the engine & put it in gear. We turn out of the driveway in the direction of the store... The challenge was that sometimes I just need to decide that I'm going to do whatever it is that I've been trying to do.

Yoda summed up that line of reasoning quite succinctly:

       Do or do not; there is no try.

Then again... on the other hand... maybe sometimes we just have to try. Jon Acuff wrote an article about the secret word* that changes the world.

Try.

That’s it. If you’re going to change the world, all you have to do is try. Fear will tell you it’s more complicated than that. Doubt will tell you it’s not that easy. Worry will tell you that you’re not qualified. But they’re all wrong.

All you have to do is try.

So which is it? Do I just have to try? Or do I need to quit trying and making excuses? Do I need to go ahead & make a decision and then figure out the steps to get 'er done?