She had felt at home in this place as long as she could remember. It was her native land. She was fluent in the language. She knew the rules – the laws of the land. She understood every detail of the program, the schedule and the protocol. She knew which things were approved and which were not. She knew how to please people and what would invoke displeasure. She knew which topics were taboo and which were okay to discuss on a surface level. She knew the steps for HOW to look good even if she didn’t always succeed at it – and when success eluded her, she knew to be properly apologetic and meek and submissive. She felt secure behind these walls and couldn’t imagine living anywhere else.
At some point the girl ventured forth into the world beyond the walls to explore other cultures. She found the big world fascinating with its sights and sounds, its thoughts and ideas, its delights and its scariness, but she was smart enough to come back home to the safety and security and comfort and convenience of her own little world. During her several trips to the outside she learned to function out there somewhat successfully, but this is where she felt safe and secure. This was home.
After decades of living in this world but occasionally working on the outside, she began to realize that not everyone on the inside was pleased with her performance all of the time. Some were proud of her for venturing forth and others seemed to feel threatened by it. Most would still praise her for following the rules of the inside and would with-hold their praise if her rule-following lacked the vehemence they desired to see. Some were quick to point out the dangers of spending any unnecessary amount of time on the outside.
Eventually she began to wonder if she dared to actually think for herself. Some expressed their approval of her continuing development while others made it plain that it was totally inappropriate for her to think for herself. They reminded her that it was her responsibility to submit to the wishes of those who called themselves leaders. Being wise and mature as they were, these leaders were of course kind and gentle in their counsel. They would sit her down and patiently express their disappointment with her – because she had strayed from the rules. Even more often than those encounters were the ones where they calmly gave her their own personal opinions – explaining carefully that while these issues were not official rules, at the very least these matters were quite important to them personally. It got confusing at times to be told that there was no official rule about such and such, but that it would be much better for her to follow the wishes of these leaders. She had not yet encountered the term “passive-aggressive behavior” nor been educated about that concept – so she just kept trying to figure out how to best walk this line and not displease anyone.
Yes, these important leaders seemed generally kind and gentle and wise and diplomatic, rarely raising their voices over anything. However, there were a very few occasions when that was not the case, when she and the others were completely caught off-guard by a normally calm, dignified leader suddenly exploding in anger – causing people to tiptoe around nervously puzzled. Events like that would normally have encouraged the girl to make sure to get herself back in line – and certainly would have caused her to feel at least some measure of guilt – whether or not she had anything to do with the eruption. She had learned well to avoid that kind of scenario and not to make waves. Or had she?
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(Continue reading - Part Two)
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