I am a person

 It was an event for American Christians to raise awareness about other cultures. When my friend arrived wearing a burka I introduced her to the group and invited her to share a few words.

...

Hello.

I am a foreigner living in America. I have lived here for four years.

I’m a wife and a mother-to-be. I work very hard to help support my family.  

I am religious.  My beliefs are a very important part of my life.  I try to serve my God but it is not easy.

Sometimes it is hard to live in America. At times people don’t understand me. Often people avoid me and don’t want to get to know me. I think that maybe they are afraid…

But what they don’t understand is that I am a person.

Sirens trigger memories

This story took place on June 4, 1996.

...

[We] were gathered in a living room when we heard a siren approaching on the highway and then sudden silence. That was strange. What does it mean?  It was so unusual that we stepped outside to get a better look. The ambulance had turned down the almost-deserted dead-end dirt road - which explained why the siren was no longer needed. But why would they be going down there?

We watched the ambulance disappear at the end of the gravel road and wondered which neighbors might be affected by this emergency.  Hardly anyone lived on that road.

We heard ourselves talking about what it means to "love my neighbor as myself." We remembered how a mutual friend liked to stir up that topic to make us all think.  You know how if you are coming home and see smoke billowing from your neighborhood...?  The panic and the fear... and then the relief when you discover it's not your house. Whew!  But wait; it's my neighbor's house... Hmmm...  This it tricky. Worth pondering.

...

... we would discover that the neighbor with the emergency was my own dear dad who had been planting beans in the huge field at the end of that dead-end road. And now he was gone. Suddenly.

As I was saying, sirens can be triggering for me...

...

* The above excerpt is from my book, Beyond these Walls - Book by Book, which features wisdom from several authors and books that impacted me on my unexpected journey from being embedded in church culture most of my life until suddenly being launched outside the walls of organized religion.

Life and love

I celebrated Easter as an "insider" for nearly 6 decades.
I have now celebrated a dozen more Easters as an outsider.  
Landing outside those religious walls came as a total shock to me and a source of great sadness. But then I began sorting and soul-searching and seeking for truth and figuring out what I really believe and which things are worth building my life on... 

Jesus ends up at the top of my list.  

I want to follow his words and his example. 

I want to love like he loved.  
I want to be a person of grace.

I had just been pondering something I wrote during those years in exile…  about the fact that I often find myself stuck "in the middle" between friends at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Sure enough this pandemic where we currently find ourselves is one of those times when lines have been drawn and I find myself with friends on both extremes.  

In some ways and at some times, the middle is a good place to be, but there are other times when I might need to lean one way or the other.  Sometimes it's tough to know which way to lean.

Naturally I tend to err on the side of caution.  

But I hope that I also err on the side of love and compassion and kindness and grace.  The side of life and love and health and healing.  That's the direction I want to lean.

I guess you could say that is my religion.

That's how I want to live my life.

Who were my champions?

 I just discovered these lines that I wrote awhile ago after having been asked about the things or the people who may have discouraged or restricted me through the years.  I was also asked about the people who were champions of my self-worth.  People who encouraged my creativity and my leadership skills.  I chose to focus mostly on the second question.

It wasn't hard to think of several who had discouraged me or restricted my options.  This was a good opportunity to remind myself that I no longer need to pay attention to those voices.

More importantly, as I look back over the years of my various ministries and think about those questions, others come to my mind who have been my champions.  It is too late to thank some of them but I want to express how very grateful I am for their support.

Topping that list are my dear partner Bob, my big brother Dave, my other brother Jerry, my father-in-law, and my long-time pastor Gary.

When others were saying that women couldn't be leaders, these guys were sending me articles about women who were. They were inviting me to speak from their pulpits.  They encouraged me to follow my calling and to use my voice and my words to influence people. They took me seriously when others chose to ignore or discourage my contribution.

Many women have been restricted and deeply discouraged if not downright prohibited from serving in leadership.  I have had a taste of that restriction and rejection - which makes me all the more thankful for those who have stood with me in support as I explored ways to fulfill my God-given potential.

I am so grateful for each of you and your partnership in the good work.

Sunday morning musings

I wonder whether there will be pro-life teaching from the pulpits of America today.

I wonder if there will be reference to Good News.

I wonder if there will be messages of peace on earth and good will toward all men.

I wonder whether there will be any preaching about loving our neighbors as ourselves. Or will there be talk about protecting ourselves against them?

I wonder if there will be discussion about the words of Jesus when he said to turn the other cheek. Specifically in Missionary Churches where I grew up, I wonder whether there is still any consideration for our Mennonite roots.  For a call to non-violence.

I wonder if anyone will ask what Jesus would do.

I wonder.

Two lives, two stories

Life A was my life as an insider.
A life of always striving...
To do right and to be right.
Of needing to impress.
A life of rules.
A life of effort.
A life of diligence and discipline.
A life of restriction.

...

Life B is my life outside the walls.
A life where it's okay to ask questions.
Where it is safe to express doubt.
Or wonderings.
A life where I don't have to always be right - nor have all the answers.
A life where people make mistakes and aren't afraid to admit them - even the leaders.
A life of grace.
A life of adventure.
A life of trust.
A life of freedom.

...

I never want to go back to Life A.
Unfortunately I catch myself once in awhile...
Still clinging to that life.
Still fearing condemnation.
Still following the rules.
Still needing to be right.
Still wanting to impress.
Still pretending to have all the answers.


Fortunately that happens only rarely.
Most of the time I am thrilled to be breathing the air of freedom.
Most of the time I can't imagine going back inside.

That sermon? Not for you.

That's what my pastor told me.

"Sister, that sermon was not for you."

We were sitting in his office discussing his most recent sermon. I probably mentioned being discouraged about not living up to the admonitions included therein. He knew that I had tried my darnedest because I so much wanted to please God. Maybe he felt badly that his sermon unnecessarily added to my burden of guilt and obligation. To my striving. So he said, "Sister Kaye, that sermon was not for you."

Some of us are such sensitive souls. Call it a tender heart. Call it a pleaser personality. Call it compliant. Call it conditioning. Call it what you will, but some of us have the tendency to trip all over ourselves trying to please other people.

And for some of us that translates into a deep longing to please God in everything we do. So every sermon on commitment makes us want to be more committed. Who am I kidding? Pretty much EVERY SERMON we ever hear makes us want to do better at SOMETHING! So we can please God.

DISCLAIMER:

Lest I give the wrong impression let me quickly admit that I didn't always have the most pure of motives nor do I always choose to do the thing that pleased God. I don't always choose to do the right thing. There are plenty of times that I am downright selfish. But there have been those tender moments, those sensitive seasons, in my life. The fact remains that my personality type tends to take on an undue sense of burden when presented with certain kinds of sermons.

By the way, sermons don't always come from a pulpit. You may be bombarded with a sermon at a family gathering or during a commercial. For the purpose of this discussion, we could define a sermon as any time when someone preaches at you about something you should do.  

Not every admonition you hear - whether from a preacher or a relative or a well-meaning friend or a financial consultant or some health expert... Not every single piece of advice is necessarily one that you must internalize or submit to.

But what are we to do? Should I never try to please others? Are there ways that I can protect myself from this sense of obligation and still be kind and compassionate?

At the risk of oversimplifying, let me say that there's nothing wrong with wanting to please God or to please people for that matter. But the danger comes when our compulsion to please others paralyzes us and keeps us from making mature or healthy decisions. So we DO need to learn to protect ourselves. And we do need to find balance.

My favorite counselor who also happens to be one of my favorite bloggers says:

...if you have a tendency to be compassionate already, there is NOTHING wrong with guarding your heart and taking care of yourself. Sometimes you have to say no. There is nothing selfish about that; you are merely being responsible to protect your soul first. If you burn out completely you won't be able to help others anyway.

It seems so obvious to me now - and maybe to my readers - but maybe there is someone still stuck there in that overwhelming place where you still feel pressure to obey whatever admonition you hear. Where you still have to please people. Or God. Or both. Let me remind you that you need not obey everyone who preaches at you about what you should do. Maybe that sermon is not for you.


 Conclusion:

I realize not everybody has this pleaser tendency and therefore is not so susceptible to these struggles. Maybe you're reading and just don't understand how someone could feel so pressured to please others like this. If you happen to NOT be one of us hyper-sensitive ones, well, then...

Honey, this sermon's not for you!

When is church?

 

 

"A joyful noise we will make."

Kids rocking out to that sentiment as they sing it.

Those kids have some moves!

...

Sitting around the campfire enjoying a yummy multi-course Sunday morning brunch. Sipping a second (or maybe third) cup of cappuccino to ward off the chilly wind moving through the trees. Good conversation. Fun music. And yes, kids dancing and making joyful sounds. A duet of strong beautiful voices blending on an old hymn. Lyrics prompted on iPhones via Google - rather than hymnals or PowerPoint. Stimulating discussion about faith and orthodoxy. Freedom to ask questions as well as freedom to not have to have all the answers. Freedom to get up and find another cup of coffee. Love shared and love received.

Now THAT is church.

It was not lost on me that this was indeed Sunday morning. In fact, it was even somewhere around 11 a.m. on Sunday morning - the magical hour for "real" church according to some Christians. The time to be in church if one is to be certain and secure about one's spiritual condition.

I sat there remembering friends who have made it known to me that they were concerned about us because our house church met on Tuesday night instead of Sunday morning. There was a certainty implied that Sunday morning is THE time to be in church or else. I'm not exactly sure what the "or-else" is but certainly the idea that something is lacking in my spiritual growth and maybe something to be feared for my eternal salvation.

If those friends could see me now... You know? I sort of wish they could - so they wouldn't have to worry about my spiritual condition. See. I got the time right this week. Church on Sunday morning rather than Tuesday night. Maybe they wouldn't worry about me now. At least maybe not this week.

Well, except for the location...

Can it be "real" church if it happens out in the great outdoors? Under towering trees and ever-changing clouds...

 

...

 

A joyful noise we will make.

On Sunday morning.

On Tuesday evening.

Whenever.

Wherever.

 

 

Sunday sermon - always welcome, no matter what

Even delicate subjects could be introduced and discussed in this home. No heated discussions. An environment was cultivated in the home that assured openness and honesty.

The father waits for God to do what he cannot do. Dad was the magnet.

You're always welcome at home.

No matter what your condition.

No matter what others think of you.

The father became a model of authentic Christianity.
...

I came across these lines from a sermon preached by Mark Bolender at Brown City camp many many years ago - about the welcoming father in Luke 15.

What a contrast to some of the stories I've heard recently of Christian parents who make unrealistic demands on their kids and refuse to welcome them.

These modern day stories remind me more of the older brother - about whom Mark Bolender said this: The older brother lives by the clipboard. He was keeping a record. Older brothers are always around, keeping track of you. They are harder to please than the father, because they don't understand grace.
Ouch! I have been that older brother. Clipboard living is my natural tendency and it breaks my heart to recognize it in myself.

But I also know how it feels to be judged by the older brother. To try to please those who live by the clipboard. Those who keep records. Those who express their displeasure at attitudes, actions, beliefs or routines different from their own. Those who resent the father's love for the wanderer.
...

These lines are the few I chose to save from pages and pages of sermon notes in that one particular notebook. And there are yet more and more boxes of notebooks filled with sermon notes and all kinds of stuff from my years as a religious insider. Those piles of boxes seem somehow symbolic of all the things I was taught during those decades - and the things I taught to others. They were the foundation of my weltanschauung - my worldview.

Since being catapulted from that world of organized religion, and since beginning to understand what it feels like to be an outsider, I have a new perspective. A very different viewpoint.

It is important to note that as I have been processing all that I was taught to believe, I have tried to be careful not to throw out the baby with the bath water. That is an interesting process, by the way, because it requires first figuring out which is the baby - that which is precious, that which really matters and should be cherished. Identifying which is the really important makes it easier to let go of the rest - because it is simply dirty water.

So yes, it is interesting to be sorting through the bins and boxes from a lifetime lived in the same house while simultaneously sorting through the layers and layers of truths and Truth that I have willingly consumed over a lifetime of being a good kid. A rule-keeper. A pleaser who feared God and tried to please everybody. A fixer. An older brother - or an older sister anyway - who wanted to set a good example for others, but who also tended to impose my expectations on them. Someone who often struggled to sort through all the good trying to discern what is best.
...

This story in Luke 15 has always amazed me. I am attracted by the love shown by the father. I am saddened by the attitude of the older brother - whether seen in myself or in others around me.

Living by the clipboard is NOT the model of authentic Christianity. I don't want to live like that anymore. And you know what? I don't have to. We don't have to. We can choose to be critical clipboard-carrying older brothers. Or we can choose to be welcoming and loving. And that is one of the things that really matter.

God help us make the right choice. People's lives depend on it.

Freedom and independence

A day to celebrate freedom and independence.

They are to be celebrated; right?

I wonder.

I seem to remember some sort of mixed messages about those two concepts. For some reason, throughout my history in the church those words seemed to evoke conflicting opinions.


Freedom
On the one hand we sang songs about glorious freedom and heard sermons and admonitions to live in the freedom that was offered through Jesus. On the other hand if someone claimed to be enjoying freedom, that claim was often met with skepticism and judgment and the implication that said person must actually be rebelling against something.


Independence
So then I wonder about independence - where there was also some sort of negative association - as if it were synonymous with rebellion - at least in terms of thinking and believing. If we were talking about financial independence, that was to be lauded. But spiritual independence? Not so much.

Or maybe call it intellectual independence. Sermons were preached and lessons were taught about how vital it is to learn to think for yourself as an antidote for bowing to peer pressure. That kind of independence was considered good, wise, commendable, noble, admirable. But when it came to questioning the things you had been taught, not so much. Nope, it was NOT commendable to question the rules that were handed down nor the elders who handed them.

...

Is it possible that independence is noble at times, but rebellious at other times? Am I the only one who wonders about this? Did anyone else receive mixed messages? Confusing "lessons" about freedom and independence?

...

I should learn to be independent, so that if my friends ever pressure me to do something dangerous or unwise, I can think for myself and be able to say "no" and to stand up to said peer pressure.

BUT if it was a church leader who was pressuring me to do something dangerous or destructive, then I must humbly submit to that pressure. To question traditional and legalistic rules and restrictions or to dare to stand up to someone in authority was deemed to be rebellious and dangerous.

So which is it? Is independence good or is it rebellious? Is freedom desirable or dangerous? When is it right to be free? When is it appropriate to be independent and when should we submit?

What about American independence? What about those founding fathers? Were they "right" in standing up to oppression and demanding to be free? What about other revolutions? Where is the line between independence and anarchy?

How about now? What does freedom mean in modern America? When conservatives complain that we are losing our freedoms, they certainly seem to mean something different than when a gay couple cries out for equality regarding their child's medical care. Can both sides be right? Can they even get along?

But those questions can't be answered in one blog post. And they may well be above my pay-grade. Whatever that means. I do not feel capable of solving the world's complex problems and I certainly am not smart enough to have the answers to how others should answer these questions.

But then I don't have to, do I? I am not responsible for the decisions of others. It's complex enough for me to figure out my own response and my own responsibility.

So what about it? What about me? How will I define freedom and independence? More importantly how will I choose when to be independent and when/where to fight for freedom?

...

A few conclusions at this moment in my journey of freedom:

• I am thankful for freedom and I celebrate it.
• I soberly accept the responsibility that comes with freedom and independence.
• I am wary of anyone who sets himself up as my authority and demands my submission.
• I realize that I am ultimately responsible to choose the authority figures and structures to whom I will submit; therefore, I seek to choose them wisely.
• I hope for wisdom to recognize injustice and oppression in my world and I pray for the courage to stand against them.
• I try to be alert to ways that I can provide and/or protect spaces of freedom for others.

...

I still wonder about many questions, but I can proceed with the things I know to do.

On a mission

Over at Bob's travel page I wrote of our day at Old Mission Santa Barbara.
...

Much of the California coastline is dotted with charming old missions that stand as monuments to the religious and cultural history of this region when it was still part of Mexico. One of the more beautiful and more famous ones, Old Mission Santa Barbara, is wonderfully restored and maintained.

I was enamored by the uneven tile floor full of dips and smooth worn edges, but still shiny as can be. Meanwhile, Bob was fascinated with architectural details like the awesome arches, magnificent doors, quaint windows, and walls that were more than three feet thick –  photographic opportunities galore.

* Read entire article here...

* See lots more pictures at Where the Robert Meets the Road

Why Rock the Boat - guest post

Why do you encourage missional thinking? Why do you bring in innovative thinkers with their radical and transformational ideas? Why do you invest so much time and energy getting pastors fired up to lead their churches into organic, refreshing, authentic ways of doing ministry? Why do you push these amazing, wonderful, life-changing concepts and encourage pastors to implement them? Why do you convince people that disciple-making is not a program, but that it is a radical way of thinking and living, a fresh but ancient wave of spiritual reproduction? Why do you challenge church leaders to dismantle their fortress mentality and to learn instead what it means to unleash the church - to BE the church outside the institutional walls?
...

(Read the rest of this post here.)

...

I wonder about so many things. Once in awhile I wish I could ask church leaders questions that I wonder about, but then I fear that nothing good would come of it. But if I could, if I thought it would matter, these are a few of the things I might ask.

I am excited to be invited to guest post on another blog, An Elbow in the Ribs. I thank my husband for encouraging me to keep wondering about things and to keep asking questions.

losing my religion, finding my faith

This has been yet another year of transition. I don't suppose that I would have guessed that I would still be changing and transitioning at this stage of life. The last few years have involved our transition out of organized religion and into the post-evangelical wilderness - out of the Empire and hopefully into a clearer understanding of the kingdom of Jesus.

I've been sorting through pretty much everything that I ever believed. I found rules that are good, but not necessarily biblical and I've discovered that some things I learned in church actually stand in opposition to the Gospel of Jesus. My own personal list of rules to live by has taken quite a beating - as I finally realized that it encouraged me to be legalistic and self-righteous.

When I first noticed myself discarding so many of the old laws and beliefs, I wanted to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water. More recently I've been noticing other things as well. As I look back over this year, I guess I could say that I've been gradually losing my religion and finding my faith. One day maybe I'll explain more of what I mean by that.

War on Christmas? Bah Humbug!

Can I just say it?
Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be known as a Christian - & especially when it’s something Christmas-related. I LOVE Christmas & I may even think that it is the most wonderful time of the year. AND I might find myself reading that last sentence in a lilting sing-song voice.

There are so, so many wonderful things to love about Christmas & to celebrate – especially as Christians. It is after all “our” story – the story of the Incarnation that is so integral to our faith – and one that we are to share with others.

But instead of celebrating the glory of the story, I’m afraid that we too often forget the story; at least we sound like we’ve forgotten. And I’m not even talking about the commercialism of Christmas – although whenever I hear some “preacher” (from the pulpit or from their Facebook page) admonishing the rest of us to “keep Christ in Christmas!” I pretty much always remember something that my friend presented one Sunday morning many Christmases ago. She stepped to the microphone & started her own personal rant about keeping Christ in Christmas. She told us that it just wasn’t possible because He kept breaking out of that one single day and insisted on spilling over into the rest of the calendar. She told story after story of how neighbors did Christmas-y things on any old day of the year. Her conclusion: we shouldn’t try to keep Christ in Christmas, but instead we should let His spirit flow through us and affect how we live every single day.

But I got sidetracked there for a bit…
What was it that I was feeling grinchy about?

Oh, yes, it was about how we seem to have forgotten the best themes of the Christmas story – like peace on earth, good will to men and that we’ve been given good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Instead of celebrating, we’ve turned to complaining - and about the silliest things! What kind of person, I ask you, would be upset because someone uses the wrong words to extend good wishes? This is most perplexing to me – that Christians would get mad because someone wishes them “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”! Unbelievable. And that we would jump on some wild crazy conspiracy story & have big arguments about what a decorated tree should be called! Oh, Tannenbaum, you sacred thing. Wait; tannenbaum actually means fir tree, so maybe we should get upset when someone uses a spruce tree or a pine tree or some other species of evergreen. No, siree; it must be a fir tree.

Yah, yah… now I’m just being downright silly.

But I keep distracting myself. I was starting to talk about that horrible evil of saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". May I confess something? I am guilty & have been for many years now. I think I remember when I first started the practice. Maybe I was feeling extra sentimental & celebratory & generous as I was getting my Christmas cards ready to go out. I must have been thinking that I wanted my wishes of good will to be more expansive than just about Christmas – so I began to write Happy Holidays on my cards & letters. *gasp* Another year I was feeling nicely sensitive as I noticed that several of our friends were going through rough times so it felt really flippant to say “Merry, merry Christmas” when I knew that their Christmas would be anything but merry. Little did I know that I would be guilty of participating in the war on Christmas by offering an alternate wording instead of the “sacred” greeting!

As my world expanded, I also began to realize that there are some people who don’t celebrate Christmas & it was my great privilege & honor to count some of them as friends. It didn’t really make sense to wish them Merry Christmas, but maybe I could learn about what kinds of holidays they do celebrate & could wish them well some other more pertinent way. Had I taken another step toward the slippery slope of tolerance & mutual respect?

Okay; maybe I’ve stepped over the snarky line, but yes, I think it is silly to be upset if someone wishes me greetings of the season, but not in the exact words that I want them to use. It’s sort of like being invited to a party, but complaining that the invitation is written with the wrong color of ink. They didn’t have to invite me to the party, you know! Just like people don’t have to wish me any greetings at all! Hello!

Besides shouldn’t we who call ourselves Christians be the ones to take the lead in expressing good tidings of great joy? Why would we expect the pagans to do it?

Bah humbug!