Mothers' Day remembrances of a different sort

I remember.
I remember Mothers' Day.
I remember trying to pick out the perfect gift for my mom.
I remember the testimonials in church about mothers and grandmothers.
I remember feeling grateful for my mom and I still am.
I remember my first Mothers' Day as a mom.
I remember celebrating the privilege and joy of being a mom.
I remember hearing Mothers' Day Scriptures & sermons that I couldn't live up to.
I remember getting a very special Mothers' Day card from a most unexpected source.

But I also remember Mothers' Days that weren't so wonderful.
I remember being painfully aware that I wasn't yet a mother.
I remember the deep disappointment, the grief, of having thought that I would be a mom by this date, but alas it was not to be.
I remember wondering how to reach out to a loved one who has experienced similar grief.

I remember the friend whose daughter is on the other side of the world and I know how hard that is.
I remember the friend who is dealing with great sadness and heartache because of her kids' choices.
I remember feeling like a failure as a mom, of not measuring up to somebody's standards.
I remember the friend who must be barely able to breathe on Mothers' Day because her daughter is gone. I cannot imagine living with the knowledge that she will never be a grandma and that she will never again be able to hug her own precious child or look into those beautiful eyes.
I remember the friend whose mom died just before Mothers' Day.
I also remember the friend who became a mom just after her own mom died.

I remember sticking my foot in my mouth in some of those situations.
I remember trying to comfort a friend who had just been blind-sided by someone else's insensitivity.

...

May I always remember that smack-dab in the middle of celebration and well-wishing, grief and sadness may be close at hand.
May I remember that society's celebration can intensify the pain of loss.
May I remember that some of the deepest pain is secret, that nobody else knows about it, that the person can't talk about it.

May I choose to remember...

BRAVE NEW BEAT

BRAVE NEW BEAT
by Erin Zindle & the Ragbirds

I made friends with fear
We went everywhere together
He pulled out my chair
when I sat down at the table
I told him everything
just to get his opinion
He spoke so confidently
because I always believed him
He kept me from doin' anything
too risky or brave
In exchange for his protection
I became his slave

I made friends with hate
I hated everything about him
But I was so wounded by love
I tho't I couldn't live without him
He kept track of every little grudge
so it wouldn't heal
He helped me hold & preserve
all the pain I feel

I'm leavin' this sad city
Sorry, my old friends
but you can't go with me
I made friends with love & mercy
Ooh... & they're such good dancers
So don't call me anymore...
I'm not gonna' answer

I'm gonna' tango with my new friends
I'm gonna' tango with my new self
I'm gonna' tango with my new feet
I'm dancin' to the rhythm
of a brave new beat

...

--------------
Thank you, Erin Zindle, for this great song.
Thank you to my friend, Sherry, for reminding me of it.
It articulates my healing & my freedom.

ta-da!!!

Ooh, ooh; I just remembered that for awhile I played around with the idea of ta-da lists rather than to-do lists. I've been a list-maker for many years & they often serve me well. Or maybe I should say that I serve them well in actually getting things done. At any rate, sometime, somewhere in my history I came up with or came upon the idea of making ta-da lists instead. They had a much different feel. Instead of drudgery, they were celebratory - rejoicing over the things that I had finished or accomplished. I haven't thought about them for awhile, but maybe I will resurrect the idea.

...

Wouldn't you know it? It turns out that "Ta-da list is the web's easiest to-do list." Guess maybe I wasn't so original. Or maybe I should have copyrighted my idea years ago. Drats! However, it looks like this one is really just a list of things ya' gotta' do. So there ya' go...

Grace: is it really enough?

Grace is an amazing thing! Duh. But I wonder if we realize how amazing. It has been only recently that I have begun to grasp the wonder of it. I've read a couple incredible books on the topic; it might be time to review them. I've written about it and maybe need to read those pieces again.

This morning I came across "an interview" with Michael Spencer, the internet monk. Actually, it is a composite of excerpts from his writings set into an interview format. Here is a sampling of those quotes:

"Grace, not legalism, not works, is the great motivator of the Christian life.

"Try this one out at any gathering of evangelical Christians: 'Once you are justified by faith, you can do what you want. And if you want to do all the things you did before you knew Jesus, then you just don’t get it.' (Gasp) You’ll immediately notice that some Christians want it very clear that you can’t expect to be saved by grace if you don’t live right.

"What you can do, not what God has done, is the great theme of most of what is published and recorded in the evangelical world.... Grace is an endangered species...

"I know I am not very obedient. I know my sinful patterns and my perennial laziness. I know where I fall short... I may make more progress on these things, but honestly, I doubt it. My efforts at obedience have about run their course. Most of what I am going to be as a human being living as a Christian on this planet, I’ve probably already achieved. I want all the years God has for me, and I want to honor and glorify him, but if I am going to learn about grace, now is the time. I need it now."

Read the whole "interview" at http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/faq-on-grace

Priorities & pacing

I haven't been blogging much lately - obviously. I could feel quite guilty about that if I let myself. I actually haven't been doing much writing at all - not nearly as much as I say that I want to - nor much reading either for that matter. I keep thinking that I really want to do more writing & more reading, so then I ask myself why I don't. Well, this time around, in this particular season of my life, I suddenly find myself in a situation that is both unusual for me and unfamiliar to me - not to mention scary & difficult. I am walking a path where I have never been before. It is demanding most of my time and pretty much every drop of mental & emotional energy that I can find. So I am giving myself permission to not do everything, to set aside things that are not totally necessary.

I think my priority should be to survive this transition - or better yet, to thrive in it. To grieve the losses and to celebrate the blessings, to savor the moments. I think that means that I need to pace myself & I am trying to do just that. It also means making wise decisions as to which priorities get my best attention.

Once this path turns the next big corner, there will likely be lots of time to get back to writing & reading & other currently neglected pursuits.

To everything there is a season.
I choose to walk through this one the best way I know how.