The right way to do a jigsaw puzzle

You start a jigsaw puzzle by sorting out all the edge pieces and putting the border together.  Right?  I mean, everybody knows that!  Don’t they?!?

But… 

My very smart first-grade grand-daughter does not know that.  Evidently she didn’t get the memo.  Have I somehow failed in teaching her that important foundational principle?

Fortunately I’m smart enough to notice that my method (the RIGHT method!) was confusing her and messing with her progress.  It took me awhile but I was finally able to let go of my superiority and let her do it her way.   She took off and got that puzzle done.

I decided to sit back and watch her method and try to understand her reasoning.

Turns out that she starts with a totally different plan than I do.

She looks for the focal point.  

The face, the person or people, something beautiful or fun.  

She finds the good stuff, the cool stuff, the important stuff, the bright colors, and the best parts.

She gets those bright wonderful pieces put together… and then all the rest seem to fall into place quite nicely.  Yes, even the edge pieces.

Well, I never!

You mean to tell me that my way might not be the only way to do something?

Maybe she has a point.  Maybe it is a great idea to start with people. Maybe when I focus on the beauty in the situation, I’ll discover that all the other pieces will come together in their time. 

 

I am beginning to think she might have it right.  Now I wonder how many times I have run out of time and energy because I was so busy focusing on the borders, following the rules… and maybe I haven't noticed the people...  or maybe I’ve missed out on the beauty of some precious moments. Yikes!

I think this grandma just got schooled by a first grader.

Hopefully I’m not too old to learn new things.

I really do want to focus on the people and notice the beauty more than I worry about the edges and the details.

By the way...

When we use our own photos as puzzles, it is fun to watch her find her own face or family members...  even as I enjoy the memories of those special moments.

No words

One year ago today, my dear sweet sister slipped away from this world.  Today I wanted to write some words to honor her.  Because shared words between us were so very important.  We both really loved words.

But I don't think I can do that today. The words refuse to line up...  The word-stringing part of my brain feels depleted.

Other parts of my brain are plenty full.  Like the well of tears...  And the hard lump that drops into my throat and gets stuck there.  And the gratitude well is overflowing... feeling so privileged to have known sweet Karina.

But no words... at least not the right ones.

Not today.

But oh, how I miss you, my dear.

All in a day's walk

They say it will be really hot again today, so gotta' get this walk done early.  

Let's see... which direction shall I walk today?

I heard that somebody has finally started work on that sinkhole on Lyon Street so maybe I'll go that way around the block to check it out.  Ooh, and the mulberries! I wonder when they'll be ready.

...

Looks like they have indeed done lots of work here, but to this untrained eye, it seems like they're just getting started.  This is now a much bigger hole for us to ride our bikes around on our way to the bridge.

On to Mulberry Corner...

Hey, some of them are ripe!  Yum!  Tasty.

But oh, so sad to lose all of those that have fallen on the ground...

Speaking of berries...  

Let's check the black raspberries along the fence at the corner of the empty lot next door. ...  Oh, good; it looks like another bumper crop this year.  Fresh berry pie season just ahead!

And while we speak of bumper crops, how about the historic roses on the front fence!  

Those buds are just about ready to pop open!

Before I go inside, I gotta' take another peak at those crazy wildflowers that refuse to stay home.  Fortunately our neighbor doesn't seem to mind them busting through the fence; in fact, he says he loves them!

I think it was three years ago that I ordered that quarter-pound of perennial wildflower seed mix from Eden Brothers.  I scattered those seeds in the fall and looked forward to spring.  As I watched and waited there were a few newcomers, but only a few.  The next year brought a few more, but this year they've gone a little crazy!  They are so cheery and delightful!

So much happening and so much beauty to enjoy... all in a day's walk.

More pandemic conversations

 More phone calls.   More random conversations.

...

Some random summer day:

Mom has been withdrawing from life again - refusing to go to meals…

Thinking that she’s done here.

Today seems slightly different.

Commenting about the beautiful day…

Wondering about the temperature outside…

Soon she’s singing “Living for Jesus… a life that is true…”

Then more rambling.

Then suddenly she asks, “So do you have anything to say?”

Hmmm…  Could this be a chance to help her adjust her focus?

Naw, she probably won’t be able to hear what I’m saying, let along comprehend.

I say something about her being perkier today.  She seems to understand the words at least. So I dare to reference her song selection.  LIVING for Jesus… I throw out a couple little ideas - like that it’s nice to see her focusing on living - instead of dying.

It takes a minute and a couple repeats, but she seems to get it.

I tell her that I understand her desire to be done here and move to heaven… but remind her that the timing is not up to her.  And that maybe God is asking her to LIVE while she’s still here.

We had talked previously about how an “obsession with death” can be upsetting to the staff and to the other residents. I suggest that maybe she can still serve them and minister to them by choosing to focus on life and living.  And maybe participate once in awhile when they try to get her to join in on group activities.

I remind her of a bunch of the things that she has always been good at.  How she’s always been a people person and quick to give a smile and word of encouragement and to show interest in people.  I reassure her a couple times that I can understand her recent withdrawal from people, but speculate that maybe she’s not done yet.

She seems to get it!

Suddenly she excuses herself to go outside on the deck for awhile.  

But first… “I love you and I appreciate your exhortation.  I’m gonna’ give it some thought.”

…

She called me later to report that she had gone to dinner and it was nice.

Memories - not always good

There were more phone calls... every day through the summer.

She had lots of good days…  and lots of opportunities to offer her sweet smile and words of encouragement.  We had lots of amazing conversations.

I discovered that IF I could ask the right questions, sometimes memories would come flooding back.  She really enjoyed reliving the memories and would bring such conversations up again the next few days.

One of those conversations was pretty intense, catching me off-guard. We were talking about the old days - and she described some really difficult times.  Events after which she would come home and sob.  She started into that thought by saying something about remembering the first time she returned to the little white house and didn’t know of anything she had to apologize for.  Wow!

What?  She had never told me these things before, but somehow I was not really surprised.  Maybe because I immediately recognized the feeling.  The vague guilt.  The assumption that this must be my fault.  I asked if she remembered if it ever got better.  “Not much,” she said.

I got a little emotional and a bit angry about how people have power to hurt other people so badly.  Got choked up so that I couldn’t say anything for a bit…  and she kept talking.  I continued to listen for maybe another hour.  Once she ran out of things to say - or the energy to say them - we hung up.  I crumpled into my chair and cried for another half hour.

I wish there were a way to accept only the good traits from our ancestors and reject the nasty ones.  It just breaks my heart to think of ever causing that kind of fear and consternation in the hearts of the people I love.  That’s why I work pretty dang hard to rid myself of those negative tendencies… as I learn about them.

When I know better, I do better.

I hope.

…

But so many good memories, too.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure she would want to focus on the good ones.

Like visits from her great-grandkids...

...

Many of these conversations were gathered for the writing of my book, Journey of a Decade.

Pandemic on hospice

Wrapping up the month of May, which has always been "Mom month" to me because of Mother's Day and our shared birthdays, I'm taking time to look back on a few more memories - including her last birthday.

...

March 2020

As the pandemic hit I quickly realized that I was going to need to get creative about helping my mom from a distance - and that phone conversations would become even more necessary than before.

There were some interesting conversations. She knows about the restriction on visitors… “because there is a nasty flu out there and we don’t wanna’ let it get in here.”

Most of the time she remembers. She asked if I had heard about the queen. Someone who works for the queen has the bad flu…  And something about her leaving because of it.

I googled it.  Sure enough; someone on the queen’s staff has tested positive so the queen left for Windsor Castle early this year…

So yes, Mom knows some it… some of the time.

Today, she said, “I kinda’ wonder how this will affect my transition to heaven."

Whoa. Yah. I responded with sympathy and mumbled something about not worrying about it because it is out of our control.

She quickly agreed…  that there’s no point in worrying about it.  This feels like a big deal because she has her “plan” to have family members gathered around her bed in her last days.  I don’t have the heart to tell her that might not be possible.  At the moment she seems to not be terribly disturbed by any of it.  So there’s that.

April & May

That whole scenario of dying alone and not able to have a funeral service… one of the new realities… I wonder how it will play out.

...

Technology has been so helpful to so many of us during quarantine.  To be able to meet on-screen has been precious.  I love that I can help my daughters and spend time with my grandkids online.  Like being the one to listen to my third-grade grand-daughter’s reading lesson…  Like being interrupted by a video call from a goofy little four-year-old!!

I thought my mom might appreciate hearing about such technological adventures and hoped she’d be able to comprehend.  She was clear enough today that I was able to describe all this remote working cyber fun to her.  She was delighted!  She kept saying, “Well, isn’t that something?!?”  And talking about how educational it is… and that she wished she had learned how to use computers when she was a lot younger.   Not bad for a 91-year-old great-grandma.

May 18 - her last birthday...

The wonderful staff at Timberline helped me work out a little cyber birthday party for her.

Amazon delivered her gifts there.

Vicky collected them and put them in gift bags.

Mel connected us via FaceTime.

Mom was tickled that we could see each other and talk while she was opening her gifts.

I was happy that she was able to see and recognize the kids in the family photo on her new coffee mug.

And she modeled her new kimono so I could see that it fit just fine.

Thanks, Mel!

...

Some of these remembered conversations were gathered for my book, Journey of a Decade.