Lolita

I had submitted to Lolita* for as long as I could remember. I grew up trying to make her happy. I learned which things would make Lolita proud of me and which things would disappoint her. Obviously I tried to do more of the former and less of the latter. As I got older and gained new knowledge and learned new skills and tried new adventures, Lolita kept popping up to encourage me or discourage me by her words - or even just a look. Her approval reinforced certain behaviors in me and her disappointment provided incentive to stop doing certain others.

I cherished the warm relationship we had - WHEN I was doing things right. I didn't so much enjoy the guilt feelings when I didn't quite live up to her wishes.

Eventually I became aware of my own confusion and frustration. I was pretty sure that some of the new things I discovered were important to who I was created to be. They were part of my uniqueness. The way I was wired. They were worth celebrating and nurturing. But what if Lolita didn't agree? What if she didn't like those new skills? What if she didn't share that passion?  What if she didn't approve of my priorities? Would I deny the new discoveries? The bright and beautiful? The inspired and anointed? The growth and development of my potential? How should I handle her lack of approval? I felt conflicted between the reality of what I truly believed was right and good and admirable on the one hand and the burden of Lolita's wishes on the other.

Not only was Lolita less than enthusiastic about some of my strengths and passions, but some of her plans for me did not ring true within my spirit. My honest evaluation did not confirm them as being right for me. Should I force myself to live up to Lolita's wishes? Must I make myself do the things that I am not good at? The things that frustrate me? Dare I refuse certain demands or is that selfish and arrogant of me?

I found myself trying to find compromises. Trying to do what I could to keep Lolita happy without neglecting my own mission and purpose. Trying to do it all. Trying not to disappoint anybody. To find a balance. To juggle the multiple demands. It worked sometimes, but eventually it became impossible. Something had to give. Finally I began to realize that I had to figure out who in the world I must answer to. Was Lolita my authority? Or was I responsible to someone higher?

This process of discovery took a long time, but eventually I began to acknowledge that Lolita did not own me. I began to find the courage to take ownership over my own life. My own person. I was the one responsible to make the choices for me. Once I affirmed the truth of my responsibility, there was still the matter of learning how to step up and take it. Yes, another long process. I'm happy to report huge progress. But oh, my; there is so much yet to learn.

I'm also happy to report progress in redefining my relationship with Lolita. I have discovered that she can be part of my world without being my master. I can bump into her on the street without cowering in fear.

By the way, I can also admit that Lolita is not the villain. The struggle was not all her fault.  The things she taught me, the demands she put on me, the pressure to submit, were simply what she herself had been taught. They were part of the system. I need not blame Lolita. Nor do I need to blame myself. I can simply take responsibility for where I am today and where I choose to go from here.

...

* Lolita is a fictional character, a composite of several people (both male and female) in my life who "loved me and had a wonderful plan for my life" and who exerted various degrees of authority over me through the years.