Less than stellar mental state - Thankful Thursday, a few days late

On Thursday, I tried to come up with something I was thankful for. Thankfulness would not have accurately described my frame of mind. To the contrary, I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I had heard myself complaining and griping and had been through a couple meltdowns. Not exactly an example of positive mental attitude. Certainly not anything to brag about. Nope, not something I would want my public to know about me.

In the light of all the discussion about Robin Williams' suicide, it occurred to me to be thankful that my mental state does not get broadcast for the whole world to see. This is not the first time that I have recognized the benefit of living in relative obscurity.

But there I was, not feeling very positive - and then beating myself up for the bad attitude. I knew that I had lots to be thankful for, so I wondered why I was so whiny. You'd think I'd be overjoyed at being home again; right?

We had just come down from an epic journey and were in the midst of what could be dubbed re-entry stress. We pulled in behind our log cabin Monday p.m. - not knowing what we would find inside - and not really knowing how to prepare ourselves for this transition. It reminded me a bit of having diligently and thoroughly prepared ourselves to live and work overseas for a year, but not having a clue that we should maybe prepare for coming home. Coming back home from an extended and/or intense time away carries its own unique stressors - particularly if things have changed much at home. And this time they had.

Before we left Michigan in December, we had virtually moved out of the cabin - and other people had lived here - so now we would have to move in again. Besides that, during our absence a load of stored possessions had been transferred from our storage barn into the cabin. Therefore we had to find new places for those items and move them out before we could begin moving in. That's what we did our first day at home. We commented more than once about how thankful we were that our friends had gone the second mile and hauled most of the stuff into the basement - so we did not have to immediately deal with all of that.

The next day's goal was to be able to sleep in our king-sized bed that night which meant searching for bedding, hauling it in from storage and getting it washed. I remember feeling thankful that I didn't need quarters for the washer and dryer. And I remember how happy my man was to be able to stretch out in that big bed.

But maybe I should admit that I also found myself feeling a little grumpy about the flight of steep stairs between my bed and the bathroom in the middle of the night. And I may or may not have been heard griping about the teeny tiny shower in here and mourning the loss of the roomy one in the RV.

Yes, there was a bit of grieving over moving out of our little house on wheels. Even though it is compact, it is comfortable and convenient. This log cabin is lovely in its rustic nostalgia, but is not as safe or modern or practical or efficient.

We also realized that our exhaustion level was at epic proportions. Bob particularly was experiencing muscle fatigue from driving the rig through the mountains and across the prairie for days on end. We had been pushing ourselves pretty hard for nearly a month. No wonder the fatigue settled in once we parked the rig and slowed down our pace.

When I tried to post something for Thankful Thursday, I was feeling overwhelmed about where to start to make sense of my life and frustrated that I am such a slow worker. I tried to be patient with myself - letting myself be okay to accomplish just one thing each day.

I did start to write something to post that day, but was too tired to finish it. I tried again on Friday and Saturday between other projects. On Sunday I had the good sense to give up and take the day off from everything.

And now it has been a week since we arrived back home. When asked if we're feeling settled, I have to admit that I have chosen to be okay with "functional" so far. Feeling settled will have to wait another week or two. Yes, it feels like we should have made more progress, but it's okay. Perhaps the best part is that I once again feel sane - not so stressed out. Back to my normal healthy happy self. And I'm thankful for that.

...

Also I have chosen to notice things that I'm happy to have now. Things like:

• Fridge shelves big enough for a pizza box
• A washer and dryer on site; no quarters or tokens needed
• Space to spread out a bit
• Lots of hooks for hanging stuff near the back door & in the closet
• Empty space in drawers and on shelves - Wahoo!
• A lovely grassy back yard and the lawn chairs that I've missed
• A gas grill... Yay, pork chops!!!
• "His and her" desks - something besides the kitchen table

...
 Yep, I'm feeling thankful again. What a relief!