Funeral awkwardness

I wonder what Lazarus would do at a funeral.
What would he say?
How would he feel?

If I were him, I think I might feel awkward. Not just the “not-knowing-what-to-say” kind of awkward, but you know? Sort of like a cheater? Yah, yah, I worry too much about what people think, but I’d probably imagine that someone might be thinking “So what are you doing here? Are you trying to show off?” Or maybe someone would think “How insensitive of you to flaunt your live body at a time like this!” Would anyone think that he was gloating?

Maybe he would feel a little bit like I felt the first few times I saw my friends after they lost their son to cancer. Jon & I were diagnosed around the same time. We were both bald the same summer, but he’s gone now & I’m still here 8 years later. It's almost as if I feel guilty for surviving - not really, but almost. My friends assure me that seeing me does not make them any sadder; no way do they resent my recovery, but still I feel weird.

Movement

Movement
Mobility
Motion

I have committed to 40 Days of Movement. It has been a good exercise. Some days I have been excited about my progress report - other days not so much.

Recently, I haven't known how/what to report. I have been in motion, but I’m not sure how to describe it. Much of my motion has been internal – in my mind & in my emotions. Much of it has not been in a clear direction, but has been on a winding road with lots of twists and turns – nor has it been level or stable, but more like a roller-coaster.

I have been sorting boxes & more boxes. I have accomplished small goals – like reducing the pile of boxes – but I still feel overwhelmed at times. Or I think that I’m feeling good at times, rather proud of myself – and suddenly… Boom! I fall apart; I blow up. I show evidence of internal turmoil.

Some days I feel ambitious & energetic; other days I can barely force myself to tackle one small pile. Some hours I can only convince myself to deal with one item. All the letting go takes a toll. The multitudinous decisions wear me down. I want to be rid of the stuff, but it’s hard to let go.

I can’t be objective. Some days I can see the progress; other days I can’t see beyond the remaining piles.

But I am consciously committed to movement. Each day I choose to move – to move my body, my person, myself – and my stuff.

Gift

Five-minute Friday The word is gift. The rules are simple. Write for 5 minutes. No editing, no over-thinking, no back tracking... just write. Go. ... Gift I have received lots of gifts. I have taken good care of them, have been a good steward of most of them. I have enjoyed them & celebrated them. But sometimes the time comes to let go of a gift. I don’t do that so well. It feels wrong, feels like I’m no longer a good steward, no longer grateful. It’s hard to mourn the death of a gift, to accept that the expiration time approaches. I realize that I can’t receive more good gifts when my hands are so full of the previous ones, but it’s so hard to let go. There are tears, tantrums even, triggers for grief that catch me off-guard. As I admit that I must let go of the old gift to make room for the new, I still want some control. I want to let go of that old cherished thing on my terms – one piece at a time or in the way that I want to do it. I say that I want to be rid of the old, but I don’t want to let go of the control over it. It’s so hard. It hurts so bad. Time’s up. Ouch.

Loud

I've seen the Five-Minute Friday challenge before & thought it looked interesting. My friend posted one today and on a whim I decided to give it a try, too.

Here's how it works. You write for 5 minutes, no editing, no over-thinking, no back-tracking...
Today's word is 'Loud'... Go.

...

LOUD
I remember so many days (mornings often) when I realized that I was loud. As a teenager, I’d have a ball at youth meeting, just a great time & then in the morning I’d begin to think “why do I have to be so loud?” I would feel embarrassed. Yuck.

Was I louder than the people around me? I don’t know. But I didn’t always like it.

Am I still loud? Sometimes. Maybe not so much in volume, but I sure tend to talk a lot. Again I might be having an awesome time – enjoying heart-to-heart with someone - & later realize that I did all of the talking. Oops. Embarrassing again. Yes, I feel embarrassed, but also rather ashamed. Dominating a conversation seems to be really inconsiderate & immature & insensitive. Yuck. Yep, I don’t like it very much. So why do I do it? Is it just the way I am? Do I have no self-control? Have I honestly sincerely tried to improve? Should I continue to try to get better? If so, how? What can I really do about it? Drats!! Double-drats!

Time’s up.
...and my man is calling me.
Gonna’ walk to the mailbox with him…

Appropriate apology

Troubling it is – this latest rancor coming from the Christian right. It saddens me to hear our president labeled as anti-American for sending an apology to President Karzai about the burning of Korans that has led to such violence. To the contrary, his apology was at least partly for the sake of protecting American lives in Afghanistan. Referencing a somewhat similar incident for which President George Bush apologized to the president of Iraq, White House spokesman Jay Carney explained, "…that's appropriate for the same reason, because our concern -- this president's concern, as was surely the case with President Bush, is the safety and security of our men and women in uniform, as well as our civilians in Afghanistan. …one of the reasons that it's appropriate to express our sincere apologies for this incident is that the kind of reaction that it can cause risks putting our men and women in harm's way, or in further risk than they already are. So I think that precedent is a useful one to look at."

Besides closely following the precedent established by past administrations, this apology is also in line with the foreign policy changes promised by President Obama. His plan to repair U.S. relations with the rest of the world was one of the things that first impressed me about him and is one area where he has, in my opinion, followed through with reason, wisdom and sensitivity.

Much of the ill will toward America from the rest of the world can be linked to the perception that we are arrogant and insensitive bullies. Recent presidents including Ronald Reagan and George Bush have seen the wisdom for some measure of humility and compassion and have both issued apologies to other countries for unfortunate events that happened on their watch. It would seem that some of the candidates currently battling for the high office would prefer to go back to a path of brash power that leaves no room for apology or sensitivity. I admit that that path is very scary to me.